Hi Kyo, it's Leza. ^^ Well done, but I still found it a little heavy on the eyes. You could do with separating the single paragraphs into multiple, shorter paragraphs, so it makes it more easy to read. One thing I found difficult about the pacing was how...plain everything seems to be. There isn't anything that stands out in the descriptions - of the rooms, the objects, etc. Make it a little more interesting.
There also isn't much activity. Your characters talk too much without describing much, and not much happens at all. As usual with most starting writers, you seem to have told too much, not shown. The first rule of fiction is to 'show, not tell'. Other than that, your characterizations seem to be a little off. Perhaps it's the gender problem you're having, but one moment Diana loses her temper and the next she cools down. Relax. Girls aren't different from boys. Let Diana have her temper. Let her rave, let her kick the suitcase over if she really is angry, let her have some time to cool down.
Sorry if I sound so critical, but that's my job. ^^ Sorry if I sound too harsh?
Robyn.
I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes. I am the audience that witnesses history. - Carl Sandburg, I am the People, the Mob
Okay then, so here I go. Like Leza said, it might be a good idea to separate the story into a bit more of paragraphs, 'cause it might seem really long and that gets people's interest off, sometimes.
Other than that I only saw one thing that bothered me. If these two are just starting high school, they should be more nervous. You know, hope to meet nice guys/girls to go out with, afraid to look weird, try to act cool, stuff like that. It would seem a bit more realistic since teengers normally fuss about almost everything (I know I did).
That's all I had to say, when you get the rest out, feel free to PM me. Spitfire
Thanks to the LezeleanWitch's help, the prologue final fix is done and posted ( I edited whole first post by the newer version ). Now I believe I need to go and study how to write that good, so I won't disappoint ^^
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~ -Formerly Shinda
( I edited whole first post by the newer version ). Now I believe I need to go and study how to write that good, so I won't disappoint ^^
