Lovely Flowers

Lips of blue and yellow,
cups of nectar sweet;
standing on green stilts,
blooming with intensity.

Lovely and powerful,
they stand in the rain,
collecting the water;
beauty in nature's glory.

Patches of them grow,
until sundresses come,
pulled from their safety,
roots untied; bare in light...

Carried in cold hands,
soft and young;
some will be tortured,
fancied among humans.

A flower stood tall,
beautiful and bright,
until a young man lifted it,
and caressed it; though strong.

Carried to the hilltop,
the tulip growing weak;
held in coarse hands,
twirled in cold night.

The silhouette of a girl,
no, a young woman rose,
and unmoving to the man,
she greeted him, "Hello."

The young man put
his hand on her shoulder,
twirled her around,
like the tulip he held.

He handed it to her,
the blossom, so sweet,
looked into her eyes,
silently, with meaning.

Not a word was spoken,
from the man with so many words,
none could be projected,
for none had any worth.

All the lovely flowers,
brilliant petals surround;
swaying in the wind,
no words murmured among.

Lips of blue and yellow,
cups of nectar sweet;
standing on green stilts,
blooming with intensity.

Hallo, Fixed!


I didn't know you did poetry! It's certainly good to see that. I do think this poem is fairly decent -- there are some things I like of your imagery, and a few things in here that I didn't like. I really like the image of blue and yellow lips on green stilts in the first stanza.

The only problem is that, in poetry, once you describe something, very rarely can you describe it again without it being boring. The second stanza is more description about these when we're ready to move on to the next part.

I'd also like to throw out there that it might be better in some cases to not use such narrative terms -- not necessarily verbs, but excess words like "the" or, I dunno, little words that can be done without, because it makes it sound all like a story -- if you cut the line breaks and such (enjambment) it'd sound like a story, and you want to distinguish this from regular prose.

So, good job! Keep writing, and if you ever want a review in the future, give me a heads up.

All the best,

June

that was really beautiful, fixed.

icanbefixed wrote:Carried to the hilltop,
the tulip growing weak,
held in coarse hands,
twirled in cold night.

random nitpick, but I'd rather the tulip part be in the stanza where you introduced te flower, and hace this read as
The flower growing weak.
Besides that and June's comment about nixing the extra "little words" I thought you had a great piece here.
Great job and keep writing,
Empress

Hey there!

I loved this. My favourite parts were most of the parts in italic, they were kind of beautiful.
I don't know whether this'll sound strange, as I've spent the last few days stopping people from doing this, but have you ever thought about rhyming? There were a couple of points in your poem when you had accidental imperfect rhymes, and they sounded lovely in the poem. Just a thought, though.

~Amy

hi!
I simply loved the poem! The main idea was beautiful.It could use a nice rhyming scheme the other small mistakes were pointed out by the others so I just want to say is keep writing.

...july....

Pecan! You are a lovely follower on my story, I thought I should start to repay you. (plus you asked on chat)

blooming with intensity.

This line doesn't really fit with the previous lines. Can you replace 'intensity' with something gentler?

fancied among humans

Can you put an 'or' at the beginning of this?

no, a young woman rose,

Did you mean to pun this up? I love it, even if you didn't do it on purpose. And bcause of this, I can actually picture her as a rose.

silently, with meaning.

Again, I don't really like this as an ending to a stanza.

Lips of blue and yellow,

I love this, such beautiful imagery.


I love this entire concept! Just like a poem I reviewed before today, you add love in here, but in a not-so-obvious way. You have a great extending metaphor, and as I said up there ^ you have a pun. Yes, it is a pun, whether you meant it to be or not. Lots of love for you beautiful poem.

Classy

Hi, I'm Grin.

Well, I really liked this. It was really sweet and some of your imagery is absolutely lovely.

I won't nitpick your punctuation, because there's so much to go through and I'm sure it would get quite irritating, but you should go over it. There's only a couple of mistakes, but just reading through it a couple more times now you've left it a couple of days should give you some fresh insight.

June, Empress and Classy have all the details I can think of that you could fix here. And Amy's right - the couple of rhymes did work really well. This is a lovely poem and you can do so much with it. Well done.

Hope I helped.
~Grin

Hey Fixed! Very lovely poem you have here . I really liked it, my favorite part was this stanza.

Not a word was spoken,
from the man with so many words,
none could be projected,
for none had any worth.

I did have a little confusion about the part about cold hands, but that was about it. You have a very interesting way of writing and I really enjoy it . Keep writing!