S.E.R.E.N.A

Sass, and class with all that jazz,
Everyday I’ll smile and wave
Run and skip around with friends
Enjoying the fun that never ends
No time to waste,
A seconds gone, the seconds keep ticking and I move on

Hi there, serenaceleste. I'm Conrad, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, I am really digging this poem. I can't remember the name of this kind of poem that you've done here, but I like how you've done it by making each letter be the first word of a line, rather than just an individual word, if you get my drift. Your poem actually seems to have more substance this way, which I can really get behind. Good job on that.

All in all, a pretty good poem. You might want to tighten up some word usage here and there, but in my opinion it won't make much of a difference. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Conrad Rice wrote:I can't remember the name of this kind of poem that you've done here

Unless I'm mistaken, it's called an acrostic, and it's very uncommon, but cases like this do it very well. Using a name as the base works very well, and it's good to see no noticable repetition, which is important in this type of poem.

If I could recommend one thing, it's that the N line is a bit short in comparison to the rest. I don't know exactly how, because it is a good line, but if you could re-work that line and maybe add in a few more syllables, this great piece would be even greater!

Have a nice day!

While I do think you did a good job with this poem, I wanted to know more about Serena and less about what she did. I don't know why, but I just felt like this would've been so much better if you had told us about your personality, your strengths and your weaknesses. I would've connected better to a poem like that. But you did good with what you have here.

Whoooo! I haven't seen an acrostic poem in a while, I love these things! It's an excellent place to start when writing poetry but you should play around with rhythm a little. Starting each line with a pre-destined letter is only a small challenge compared to making them fit a beat as well and it will help make your rhymes sound less forced though using half rhymes would add to that too. If you count the syllables in each line and try to make them all the same number that's a constant rhythm and it will make your poem flow more smoothly. That way it's easier to read aloud.

It's interesting that you've chosen your name as the word, I guess your intention is to tell people a little about yourself. That's cool. Maybe make the details you give more unique though, at the moment you could be any other teenage girl, you sum up yourself pretty well with 'all that jazz'. What is it that sets you apart from everyone else?

Run and skip around with friends
Enjoying the fun that never ends

Rhyming friends and ends is too obvious, it's workable in a children's poem but in general you should try to keep your rhymes a little more subtle. Like you could have:
Running and skipping about with friends,
Enjoying our time in our own neverlands
Or you could rhyme with pretends and many other words. If you can't think of a good word to rhyme with try browsing an online rhyming dictionary.

Happy writing!

Heather xx

Hey there Serena! I loved reading acrostic poems, and this one is no exception. I agree that using a name as a base is something that works better when you need to describe the subject like this. The first line is my favorite, most likely because I love the phrase "all that jazz." It adds personality to it in several ways, the first being it proves that the writer is sassy. When I read that, I thought of a girl describing herself, saying "Sass, class," then waving a hand and turning away like she's bored with the line and saying "and all that jazz." like she want to get on with the poem. The second reason I liked it was because you sum all traits that are similar to those in one line, and don't drag it on and on throughout the entire thing. If you had done that, it would have seemed self absorbed, almost as if you were staring in a mirror while you wrote. But luckily you didn't! And thirdly, it just made the poem more light-hearted.

The only thing I thought didn't go with the rest was the last line. You use "seconds" twice and very close to each other, and it reads awkwardly. Try taking away the second one, maybe changing it to "A second's gone; they keep on ticking and I move on."

But other than that one thing, I really enjoyed this! Keep it up!

I am also a huge sucker for acrostic poems, though some people say their simplistic and gimmicky. Though this poem was fun and sassy, and the end of the piece I still don't feel like I know you all that well.

serenaceleste wrote:Run and skip around with friends

For instance, do you really "skip" with your friends, or do you huddle with them, walk with them, something else? Word choice is really important in a short poem about yourself, every turn of phrase and usage counts.
I also really like the first line.
Awesome work and keep writing,
Empress

Thank You for all of your comments, Im going to take them all into mind while I start writing more.

Hello Serena,

I like this poem, its been a while since I have read an acrostic so this made a nice change. Gold Star for that.
I really liked the way you ended this with the last two lines running into each other and the cliffhanger ending. You could, if you wanted to add onto this poem use your middle name or last name to do another acrostic and then you could tell us more about Serena. I know I wasn't the only one who wanted to read more.

I thought this was very good overall!
Keep Writing
~Lydia

serenaceleste wrote:Sass, and class with all that jazz,
Everyday I’ll smile and wave
Run and skip around with friends
Enjoying the fun that never ends
No time to waste,
A seconds gone, the seconds keep ticking and I move on

hello!
is this called an acrostic? we had one in my sophomore year, and i really loved it. (actually, my name contains nine letters, so it's not that easy. )

i love how poems like these are made to express yourself using your name.
i'll be looking for more.

~telle

Hi Serena! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing this, okay?

So, I think you've done a really good job with this. It's a simple poem, but yet it has meaning to it and a sweet power. I have been ordered to right this kind of thing in class, last year, and I simply couldn't do something that flowed as easy as this.

I do have a few nit picks, though

A seconds gone, the seconds keep ticking and I move on

Here, you say 'a seconds'. Seconds is plural, that'd have to be 'the'. Maybe it was a typo and it was supposed to be singular? Hmmm.

No time to waste,
A seconds gone, the seconds keep ticking and I move on

In comparison, the first line is too short and the second too long compared to the others. This part ruins the flow a little bit. My suggestion would be for you to put the 'and I move on' in a new line. And so, I'm not much familiar with rules for this kind of poems, but if you put within parenthesis it wouldn't ruin it? Suggestion only

As I said, very simple and very lovely. I really enjoyed reading it. *clicks gold star*

Thanks for posting!
- Kat