Bother Oh the people you bother, You sister, your father, Your brother, Your mother, And they always say, "GO OUT AND PLAY!!" And I say no "What if it'll snow?" No one will know Until the next day. Oh the people you bother, Your sister, your father, You brother, Your mother, And they leave the room. So I take out the vacuum. I sucked up their cheeks, and I sucked up their nose, I went outside and squirt them with a hose. And then they say, "GO OUT AND PLAY!!!" And I say no "What if it will snow?" No one, no thee, No more than three, Will know until the next day.
Your name is so cute! Is it inspired by the dance duo?
This poem is cute, as well. I read it aloud to my older sister and she really liked it. It reminds her of a poem that was featured in a magazine before.
I would just say not to use caps in writing. I know that it shows that people are shouting, but it's kind of a distraction! You can use exclamation points to show excitement or loudness.
I like your rhyme, too. It's pretty good.
Nice work, Monkey. Keep it up.
June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
I like the poem as a whole, although I was a bit confused towards the end. How does one suck up their cheeks? And to what purpose does this action serve? If you have just vaccumed them up, how are they able to tell you to go outside? Your rhyme works, but at times it did feel a little forced.
As for structure, I would've liked it if you had broken this up into stanzas, instead of leaving it in paragraph form. I think it would have not only looked better, but might have also helped the flow, as well.
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.
Hi there CheekyMonkey97. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
So, I have to admit that I didn't really follow this poem very well. I think the major obstacle that stood in my path was that I couldn't get past the way that this was written. I do understand that a little experimentation in literature is good, but in this instance I think that it hurts your piece more than helps it. Consider breaking this up a bit more traditionally, and I think you will clear up quite a few problems.
It's a good start. You just need to tinker with it a little bit more. Send me a PM if you have any questions or comments.
I wonder if people felt the freedom in our culture to love louder, if they'd be quicker to say "I miss you" when the absence of someone is felt instead of just thinking it. — soundofmind
that is a good poem CheekyMonkey97
