Let Me Tell You A Story About Me....

This is a poem inspired by the phrase, "tickled to death".

The grave-digger grows fat off my family;
Took my folks and dog but hasn't got me
How they died is a long list I'll show you
Just to prove my story is true

My mom climbed the Grand Canyon
Unfortunantly she fell off of it
My dad was a hard worker and never stopped to breath
And loss of air can't get fixed by a first aid kit
Grandma was a bad driver
She got crashed into a car
Grandpa was a golfer
That nasty four par
Nana loved animals
She got killed by feeding a squirrel
Papa needed a gift for nana
He got murdered by a clam for that pearl
My uncles were in a jazz band; Uncle Bob and Uncle Joe
They ran out of breath playing the oboe
I had a very playful Aunt Beth
She got tickled to death
Aunt Sal rode a horse
Nasty ride!
And me, I'm way too sad
So I'm thinking suicide


copyright March 24, 2010 maegardens

Hi maegardens,

This doesn't make any sense. I know that it's probably a "fun" poem that isn't supposed to be logical, but even in it's own world it doesn't make sense and fails to be effective or humorous in any way.

maegardens wrote:Let me tell you a story about me
Every one's dead in my family

How is that a story about you? Also, beginning any piece with "Let me..." or "Hi, I'm..." and such opening lines is tacky and immediately puts the reader on the defensive.

Mom fell off of a cliff
Dad died taking the night shift...

How? "The night shift" isn't telling us anything, and the reader is left wondering why he should care about the fact that the father was working the night shift in the first place.

Grandma died crashing into a car
Grandpa loved golf; that nasty four par
Nana died feeding a squirrel...
Papa got killed by a clam; he loved pearls
Uncle Bob and Uncle Joe ran out of breath playing the oboe
Aunt Beth got tickled to death
Aunt Sal had a horse; nasty ride!
And me, I'm thinking suicide

This is boring. The squirrel part isn't funny, unless you happen to be one of those people who finds humor when someone randomly says "Kitty!" or "Random!". Most aren't.

The rest of this is just odd. If this was written for yourself because you were bored, then fine. But that's not an excuse to post it on a forum, thereby implicitly asking people to review it.

Please ask a moderator to move this in the Randomness forum where it belongs.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Galerius, thank you for your constructive criticism, and I'll keep it in mind. But, I don't understand. If you know it's supposed to be a random and non-logical poem, then why are you complaining about it being random and non-logical? Also, it's not really supposed to be funny and it isn't a story about me, it's from a different person's point of view.

I really enjoyed this poem, I thought it was funny, in a morbid sort of way. I liked the creative way that everyone died, and I really thought it was good that the speaker was considering suicide. Who wouldn't consider it if everyone in their family was dead?

Grandma got crashed in a car

I would get rid of got.

Uncle Bob and Uncle Joe ran out of breath playing the oboe
Aunt Beth got tickled to death

Up until this line, your rhyme pattern has been flawless. But here it gets messed up. Sure you have words that rhyme like Joe and oboe and Beth and death, but it isn't consistent with the rest of the rhymes. If you notice it is the end of each line that rhymes. (Cliff/shift, car/par, squirrel/pearl, ride/suicide) See what I mean? Oboe/death? Perhaps you could reword it, so that the sentence ends with breath instead of oboe.

Hey there! Love the idea behind this poem, it has the potential to be morbidly amusing but you're not quite there yet. There's a few rough edges you might want to polish up, here's a few comments and suggestions:

Let me tell you a story about me

I have a feeling this line serves only the purpose of rhyming with the next. It would be more effective for the narrator to plough straight into the story, much more dramatic. Like you could have something along the lines of:
'The grave-digger grows fat off my family;
buried my folks and my dog but he didn't get me'
That's just a quick example but both lines add something to the poem. The first introduces the theme of death while the second supports it and implies that the reader is the only survivor.

The next thing is how short these deaths are, I'd love to see you dedicate at least two lines to each. Some of them intrigue me and I think it would be nice if you can slip in some imagery as well to give the reader a hint of what sort of people these wer and how they came to die in such ways.

I like your ending, not much of a twist but it's funny. However, I'd like to see more of a work up to it. I'd like to get more of a feel for your persona than his/ her sense of humour and I'd like to be able to estimate how serious they're being.

Good luck with the writing,

Heather xx

Hi there! I'm not quite sure what to make of this poem. It's not poorly written, actually very well written, but I can't tell if this is supposed to be whimsical or serious. Don't get me wrong- I enjoyed reading it! It's very similar to something Shell Silverstein would come up with, and I always loved his books. It's just that I personally am confused. Anyway, I'm ranting here. Nice poem! Keep up the good work! :]

Hi there, maegardens! I'm Conrad, and I will be your reviewer for today.

So, I have a hard time seeing just what this poem is trying to do. It seems as though you're trying to make it a "fun" poem, but for some reason I'm not really getting that fun feeling from it. It might be the subject matter of it, but I'm not completely for sure on that part either. It just seems to be missing a bit of substance from it. Try adding a bit more of a flair to it. I think that might help your cause out a bit.

This is a good start, don't get me wrong. You just need to tinker with it a little. Send me a PM if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

hmmm this is very random...that's all I can say.