Vulnerable

Hi Kat,

Welcome to Yws! I hope you like it here.


This was to the point, which was good.

The first thing I noticed about this was the font-I felt it was a bit distracting and I'd just use regular font unless you have a specific reason for not doing so, but that's partly personal taste I think.

"You" before "mind" is a typo. If you want to fix it you just click the "edit" button. Also "its" before "like" should be "it's".

I think some imagery would be interesting. Try to describe how the speaker looks as she or he deals with these emotions, rather than stating them outright. I think it's helpful when you have a first draft to get a pen and cross out anything that sounds like something you've heard/read somewhere before, and then replace it with a more specific line, preferably one which draws on imagery.

I think the best thing you can do is read poetry. Some of my favourites are Heather Sellers, Sylvia Plath, Seamus Heaney, Maya Angelou and Langston Hughes, but an anthology can be a great place to start as it introduces you to loads of poets and then you can go look for the selected/collected poems of the ones you like best in the library or a bookshop. There are also some great poets around here and I find that reading and critiquing others helps you develop and improve your own style a lot.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Hi there Kat Jackson. I'm Conrad.

So, I feel really bad saying what I'm about to say. I've always said that a large part of poetry comes from the heart of the writer. It's why I feel good when I see a lot of love poems by people. It lets me know that a lot of people feel love.

That being said, this is a somewhat generic love poem. Especially the part comparing loving someone to being addicted to something, via the withdrawal reference. It's been used a great deal before, and you are going to have to do something really stellar with the rest of the poem if you want to be able to keep it.

In this case, I would advise you to ditch the short length of this poem and go for some good description. Paint us some beautiful pictures in this poem. That will make the generic nature of what you're going for less obvious, and improve the poem overall, in my opinion.

You've got a nice base that you can build off of here. Now you just need to construct something more upon it. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Conrad is completely right. It is a generic love poem and we want some imagery. Focus on all five senses. How does this person make the speaker feel when they are around? What do they see, smell, hear, taste, and touch when in the vicinty of this person? How is all of that intoxicating? Now when we remove all of that, how does it feel? Get creative. Maybe make a list of all the emotions love can make us feel.

And why is this love? What has this person done that makes them worthy of the speaker's adoration? Simply being there as a shoulder to cry on or a person to hold their hand is not enough. That's not love. Doing something for someone else, without expecting anything in return. That's love. Accepting someone for who they are, flaws and all. That's love. Explore this in your poem and you will have broken the mold.

Moriah said it all (again!). I do want to add, though, that you might want to expand on the story a tad. Why does she feel this way? What gave her the inspiration? It may just be me, so you don't have to pay much attention to this.

I would like to say, though, that the way you've written this makes it sound like the narrator wants to "be there for him" for her benefit. Does that make sense? Almost as if she cares only when there's an ear to hear her talk all about it. If that's not clear and it probably isn't, I mean that it sounds selfish. Love, true love, is anything but, and that's not the impression I got with this. :/

Kat Jackson wrote:Constantly feeling the same; vulnerable and hopeless.
Like your soul isn’t even there.
Your body is moving, but you mind is trapped in the past.
So oblivious, but when you hear his name, it's like coming back to life.
The one you feel horrible without, incomplete.
Like withdrawal.
Constantly wanting him there with you.
Holding his hand through everything.
Wanting to be with him, forever, no doubt.

I see these as a series of statements on love, not a poem about them. It lacks inspiration I feel- though I have no doubt you felt this way about someone, it seems like you should have so much more to say about that person. Think of specifics-- the incidences, the moments, the time of day, the five senses, as always.
Also, you Dramatic Capitals didn't work so well in this piece, so I lowercase them. Feel free to take this advice how you wish.
Keep writing,
Empress