Silence: Chapter 3

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5214
Reviews 150
The classroom was quiet when the redhead and I went back in.
I didn’t meet any of the curious stares, just sat down and got out a piece of paper. Let them think what they liked.
The redhead sat down next to me. She gestured for the piece of paper. I gave it to her and watched her write. Her cursive was smooth and elegant, the pen point never leaving the page. She handed the paper back to me.
Connor is learning sign language. He is registered for a full year of ASL and ASL 2 at BCC. It would be good to fill your time if you could help him practice.
I glanced up at Connor. He was staring at me. But when our gazes locked, he ducked his head.
Can’t he just use the internet? I replied in my scrawl.
The redhead smirked as she wrote her reply, The class requires you communicate with deaf people and involve yourself in the culture. You’re the closest thing we’ve got here.
I rolled my eyes, pushed the paper away, “The closest thing isn’t always good,”
The redhead shrugged, putting her pen down as she replied, “But it’s good enough.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Why?”
“Just because I’m deaf doesn’t mean I live like I’m deaf. I can speak. Many deaf people, who truly immerse themselves in the culture, can’t. Many deaf people who know ASL as their first language, don’t have as proficient English skills as I do. Deaf and hearing people are different. I’m deaf, but I might as well be a hearing person by the way I act.”
The redhead had no reply. I snatched the paper back and threw it in the trash.

-

“Hey, Ayden.”
I looked up when Connor said my name twenty minutes later.
“Why don’t you help me?”
“Because what’s the point? It’s not like you’re gonna become super-dedicated to it.”
Connor shrugged. “I could.”
I snorted. “Right. And pigs will fly.”
“Why do you have a hard time believing me?”
“Because usually, people who wanna ‘learn’ stick with the program for two weeks, maximum, and then give up.”
“Well, you can always encourage me.”
“Tried that. Didn’t work. Find another person. I’m not gonna be your guinea pig.”
“Will you guys stop talking and get to work?” the redhead piped up.
Connor ignored her. “Look, trust me.”
I shook my head, smirked, “No.”
“Are you really that sure of me?”
“When there’ve been about twenty other jocks-slash-bad boys like you, yes.”
“I’m not a jock.”
“You’re either one or the other. You gotta be to be in Study Hall.”
“So what are you?”
I shrugged, “Disabled.”
“That’s bull.”
“Run with it, then. I’m full of shit.”
“You two!” the redhead barked. “Stop talking. Stop swearing! Get to work!”
I focused on the sheet of paper. Didn’t hear another peep out of Connor again. Thank God.

-

“So, tell me,” a girl sat next to me on the bus, all sparkling blue eyes and beaming smile. “What on God’s green earth possessed you to move to one of the snobbiest schools in Washington State?”
“Academic and social reasons.”
“Anything specific?”
“Not really.”
“Oh, it’s personal.”
I nodded. She said something just as the bus started up.
“Hmm?” I asked her.
“Does it have to do with any bullying or anything?” the girl spoke up.
I could only stare at her in surprise.
She grinned ruefully, speaking over the engines, “The same thing happened to me. I transferred in the middle of freshman year. I’m Sara Fox, by the way. I’m in your sixth-period Study Hall.”
I remembered Sara. She was a peppy dark-haired junior, all optimism and spunk.
“So am I right?” Sara said.
“Mm-hmm.”
“Let me guess, because you’re deaf?”
I shook my head, “No.”
“Why?”
“I’m not gonna tell a stranger my personal life.”
“Fair enough. I apologize.”
“It’s okay. It was pretty bad. So I’m still trying to…eh, you know?”
“How bad?” Sara asked. “I mean, if you wanna tell…”
“On a scale of one to ten, it was an 8.”
“Oh, my God. That bad.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, well. Wow.”
“I don’t really wanna talk about it.”
Sara nodded silently and changed the subject.
And we'll be a dream...

"Dee Dubbleyou." - BigBadBear




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1250
Reviews 38
:roll: You've done it yet again!

One thing that bothered me right away is that you don't know right away what's being written or thought. Maybe for what they write, change it to Italics (she wrote This is Connor or if you can't then put just a single astrophe (she wrote 'This is Connor') on each side.

What seemed a bit odd to me is that Ayden has met Connor before... And he had almost no reaction when they met. Yes, Connor ducked his head when they locked gazes but it seemed odd that Ayden wasn't like "Oh nooooo, it's HIM."

This is getting extremely nitpicky but it's all in love, I promise! You may want to explain what BCC is before you start using an abbreviation for it. Yeah sure, Washingtonians know what you're talking about but other people probably don't.

Otherwise, I love it! Keep up the good work!
One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 189
I didn’t meet any of the curious stares,(; instead of comma?) just sat down and got out a piece of paper. I Let them think what they liked.

I think "I" would make the last sentence sound better. :P (I also like how you just call that one lady "redhead"...it's funny.)


Connor is learning sign language. He is registered for a full year of ASL and ASL 2 at BCC. It would be good to fill your time if you could help him practice.

Put this in italicsor something so we know this is her writing. Also, the last line is a bit...awkward. Try, "It would be great of you to help him." Or something like that...

"Can’t he just use the internet?" I replied in mya scrawl.

The redhead smirked as she wrote her reply, The class requires you communicate with deaf people and involve yourself in the culture. You’re the closest thing we’ve got here.




“Why do you have a hard time believing me?”

“Well, you can always encourage me.”

Connor ignored her. “Look, trust me.”

“Okay, well. Wow.”

(These are a list of some dialouge you use. Some of your speech sounds a little too forced...or like the person really wouldn't say it. Take the last quote for example...a person wouldn't really say "Okay, well. Wow" in a situation like that. They would most likely just look at their feet or raise their eye-brows in sympathy, almost. :P

The biggest problem with this was the reactions of some of the characters...they just didn't seem to fit really; or, they could have fit better.

(Overall, I liked it.)

You should also add a little more detail to the atmosphere of the study hall room. What does the floor look like? What does the redhead smell like? (Also add in how he glimpses Sara...so when they're on the bus, we already know who she is, and you don't have to introduce her all at once and have her start talking randomly. Put in some back-ground info in earlier. (The study ahll room would be the best place to do that. Maybe have Ayden have a though about her...)








“Oh, it’s personal.?



I could only stare at her in surprise.

Why would it be surprise? It would be more...*looking upwards* to avoid the question/statement. Surprise would be if she were a fortune teller and she guessed right. ;D

“Oh, my God. That bad.[b]?” [/b]
You like to put periods where you need question marks. :P


Sorry I wasn't of much help...I haven't reviewed Prose in a while...:/


I liked it, overall...I want to see more interaction with Ayden and the 'coffee-spiller'. ;D


*You minx*


-Jon
Gay Writing/Support Group. Gay or not, spread the word!

Support GLBT people -- God does.

Got YWS?



I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney