Daphne

Apollo and Daphne- Bernini. Baroque.



-

The whiteness at the centre of the noon sun
the glow that attacks your eyes and makes them
scrunch up in defence; that is her skin.
-

The sound of home: the call of a mother's voice
the warmth of a fire, the softness of a
pillow on your cheek; that is her voice.
-

The grey of a brooding day, a heavy day
when the wind is strong and the clouds sit
dark and angry over you; that is the colour of her eyes.
-

The smell of the first day of summer, lost in
the midst of a confused spring, fresh as the
cry of a newborn babe; that is her smell.
-

The shatter as the glass, dropped, hits the ground;
The soft pat as a bird falls, dead, to earth;
The screams of a widow who was a wife;
The thud as her knees hit the floor;
This, this is my heart. Oh
cursed arrow, you waste yourself in me.

Hello, CF/Freak here

Nitpicks:
This beginning starts out kind of boring, you need to catch the readers attention; just a note.

Punctuation-

The whiteness at the centre of the noon sun, the glow that attacks your eyes and makes them scrunch up in defence

Forgot the comma, this is listing something.

The sound of home ; the call of a mother's voice

This, instead, should be a comma since, again, it is listing something.

Etc-

The grey of a brooding day, a heavy day when the wind is strong and the clouds sit
dark and angry over you

the rhythm of this is sort of unbalanced only because you used "Day" twice, try to keep a rhythm, plus since you are listing it sounds kind of weird to list the same thing twice.

Other than those this is a very elegant poem and I like it. Keep writing and awesome job. *Thumbs up*

Hi there flit!

I don't understand why stanza's don't separate when we post, but I've learned to add a dash between them to show their separation.

I really love your piece here, and have very little to suggest.

Good job!

Flit wrote:Apollo and Daphne- Bernini. Baroque.





The whiteness at the centre of the noon sun
the glow that attacks your eyes and makes them
scrunch up in defence; that is her skin.
-

The sound of home: the call of a mother's voice,
the warmth of a fire, the softness of a
pillow on your cheek; that is her voice.
-

The grey of a brooding day, a heavy day
when the wind is strong and the clouds sit
dark and angry over you; that is the colour of her eyes.
-

The smell of the first day of summer, lost in
the midst of a confused spring, fresh as the
cry of a newborn babe; that is her smell.
-

The shatter as the glass, dropped, hits the ground;
The soft pat as a bird falls, dead, to earth;
I would use 'as dropped glass hits the ground' and 'as a dead bird falls to the ground'
The screams of a widow who was a wife;
The thud as her knees hit the floor;
This, this is my heart. Oh
cursed arrow, you waste yourself in me.

Hey Flit! I thought this piece was excellent. Something about it reminded me a great deal of Shakespeare, and I love it. I have a few little tiny things to point out, besides what Red pointed out.

The grey of a brooding day, a heavy day when the wind is strong and the clouds sit dark and angry over you; that is the colour of her eyes

Instead of "A brooding day, a heavy day", I would put either "A heavy brooding day", or "A brooding, heavy day"...or something to that extent. Anyway, I loved it, and I can't wait to read more of your stuff! Keep up the good work!

Hey Flit!

This is sort of a beautiful poem! It flowed seamlessly, which was a lovely thing to read. You have a great writing style, and it shows here. I actually have no problems with this. Your story throughout is wonderful and your imagery great. I've been reviewing a lot of poetry recently (believe me, a lot) and yours stands out, here.

~Amy

Hiya Flit!
This is a half/half beautiful poem--a sort of. It flowed very well, which makes it easy to read and very enjoyable. The writing style you use is spectacular, really practiced. You can tell you're a very good poet. The imagery is amazing. I honestly have no critiques. This is great. I'll remember this one.
Tata!
-Mizzle

This is a great piece, and I like the reference. Nice to see you put up a picture before the piece, or else it wouldn't make any sense. There's just one thing I'd change in this piece.

I'm a little annoyed that you had this pattern of 3 lined stanzas, but you break it in the end for a double length verse. I wouldn't divide the last into two shorter stanzas, because the verse works pretty well. I say it'd be best to abandon the visual stanza; make the whole poem appear as one giant stanza, with no space in between any of the lines. It makes the whole thing more connected and balanced.

Woohoo! 25th review! Well, technically this is more of a suggestion than a review, but this website still considers it a review, so yay! Have a nice day!