A Rain Trio

(Please move if this should be posted in a different forum, I couldn't decide what it should be classified)


Rain


storm
shaking
flashes thunder
in stifled heat
stillness waiting
for
one
drop
making dust
into mud

Boston
red
brick laid bumpy
running puddles
splishing drains and
splats off umbrellas
faces hurry
as hair uncurls
in wet
each missing
simple beauty
stars
rising
from rain splashes
on red brick pavement

fall
lashes
weighted
each blink
flying showering drops
water drips
on dry lips
open delight
wetting
till streams run down
your face
of tasting
autumn

Hi! =) Any kind of poetry can go in "other poetry"; I always put it there if I'm not sure where it should go, so you're fine.

I like your setup here, first of all. Bolded words don't usually belong in poetry, at least in my opinion, but here you're using them to separate those words from the body of the poem, to make them sort of titles for each section. I like that.
I really like your entire structure, really: the short lines are sort of illustrative of rain. Maybe this wasn't intentional but if I look at the poem as a whole (the shape of it, not the words), it gives me the idea of falling, like rain.

What I think you could work on further are some words or phrases that need either punctuation, or a separate line, to keep your meaning clear. Using no punctuation can be tricky and for the most part you did it well. I did notice some spots however.

shaking
flashes thunder
in stifled heat
stillness waiting

First of all "flashes thunder". Is it supposed to be read "shaking, flashes, thunder"? Or read this way, which is how it looks: "Shaking, flashes thunder". The second way doesn't really make sense. I'd suggest just adding commas in there. Commas in a list are different from periods and other things, when you're using no poetry; I think you can just use a couple here and there and be okay.
And then: "stillness waiting". Same thing there. Is it supposed to be read: "Stillness, waiting"? Again, I think you should put a comma between the words.

each missing simple beauty

Your poem is rather ambiguous, which is good for this, but the "each" is a little bit too vague I think. I would use a more concrete noun, such as 'passerby', 'people', or something with a good soggy adjective to fit with the rain. =)

The last stanza needs the most work I think. I mentioned how I liked your short lines, how they're a little abrupt. In this stanza you have some that seem too abrupt.
"lashes
weighted
each blink" The first two lines here are connected, but the 3'rd is saying something new, and only in two words. We can't get a clear idea of what you're saying. You say 'lashes', and then 'each blink' which both suggests eyes, but they're still not connected in any way that we can figure out.
"flying showering drops" Again, I think a comma would be your best friend here, in-between 'flying' and 'showering'.
"open delight": opened in delight?
"wetting": wetting what? It's too incomplete a thought.
"till streams run down
your face
of tasting
autumn" If you read that like you would a prose sentence, it's incoherent:
Till streams run down your face of tasting autumn.
Would "from tasting autumn" still give it the meaning you want? I'm not sure what these lines were supposed to mean, so it's hard to suggest how you might change it.

I did like this poem very much, though; you have a very unique structure, like I said, I like the words you used, and you have some nice imagery.
I hope what I said helps. =)

-Adna

Hi there!
Lovely poetry dear! It has very nice imagery! Very nice.

My biggest problem with this right now is the fact that there no punctuation in the poems at all.
It makes it look like a giant shopping list.
Comma to separate the adjectives. Periods to give the reader a breath.
This Poem, I feel, should have periods at the end of every line.

So an example with one part:

Boston
Red.
Brick laid bumpy.
Running puddles.
Splishing drains and
splats off umbrellas.
Faces hurry
as hair uncurls
in wet. *Note This part confuses me*
Each missing
simple beauty.
Stars
rising
from rain splashes
on red brick pavement.

Note: If I cut off parts where they weren't supposed to end, I apologize.

Otherwise, lovely imagery you gave us.

Hi there! Nice poems. I really enjoyed the first one, I thought it very well-written and had beautiful imagery. The stifled heat reminded me of a time that I was in Florida. It was right before a rain storm and it seemed as if there were no temperature at all.

As for the second one it didn't quite flow as well as the first. It felt as if it had broken the pattern of the first with more words to each line. I think punctuation might help this. Also it bugged me that you used red brick twice in the poem, since you didn't use that same redundancy in the other two poems.

Finally the third was probably my least favorite of the three. No doubt you weaved together the words beautifully and I really liked the line about water drips on dry lips, opening delight. But I wondered what any of that had to do with fall. It sounded more like the weather we experience in the spring, so I am sure that is probably why it didn't work for me. And while it is a bit cliched, perhaps you could add something about the changing of the leaves or jack o' lanterns. Perhaps the sound of summer abandoned as children return to school. I don't know, something, that makes it tie in more strongly with autumn than a rain storm.

Hi starlit! I really enjoyed reading this poem. The words you used created images in my head, and I love it when the 'story' someone tries to tell is clear in my mind like this. I grew up just outside of Boston, and the descriptions you use, like the red brick "laid bumpy," made me smile, because I always noticed the same thing. Good work!

Hi there starlite.isle. I'm Conrad, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, this is an interesting thing you've got going here. I think that I might like it more if the three pieces of this poem were all better tied together. As it is, I can't really believe that they're all part of the same poem. They're too dissimilar. Go through and find ways to tie them together better. That will improve this poem a great deal, I believe.

You've got a good start here, but you've still got work to do. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice