silly girl

Silly girl
I know what you were thinking
Saw it in your eyes
That first time
Eyes like ice beneath that hair like night
I can remember your laugh
Laughing at me
Or with me
Is there even a difference?

Look at all the others
Much more of the same
Choose carefully, baby
It's your last chance
Choices made easy, now that I'm gone
But it was all so obvious
Clear as a crystal
I expected too much
Too much from such a silly girl

I like the idea of this poem and how it addresses girls who overlook certain guys.

At the same time though, I wish it would go more into what kind of guy this guy is. That way, it isn't just about what girls should be, but what guys should be as well.

Because we don't know what kind of guy we're talking about, some of the lines like "It's your last chance" become a lot more "stalkerish" in nature. Developing the character of the narrator will give us a better perspective on the message of this poem.

Reminds me too much of the 'rock' songs of today.
Yes girl overlooked boy, boy gives her a chance to redeem herself and she throws it away missing a great guy.

Whatever. It's old, and overused.

But ignoring that,

your language is weak in this poem. Kind of slang you would find in a song or a conversation. I expect something a little cleaner and less rough around the edges.
Tie up the loose string and it will be half a mile better.

Kamas

Finally! A poem that expresses how I feel. Girls over look a lot of guys who will proubly treat them good. Awesome dude! I like this poem a lot. Keep up the work. I love poetry that expresses what I've been through. I'll be looking for more of your work.

This poem to me came across as a little on the creepy side. Like an obsessive, Silence of the Lambs type guy. I don't know if that's what you meant to do, but it definitely seemed that way to me, like Grff said before. I don't know, that's just my thought.

I'm with the Bond here. When you don't give us anything about the narrator, the narrator seems pretty creepy. He, at the moment, is not a fleshed out person, the girl is. And if he is not a fleshed out person, if we cannot get a sense of him at all, then it's not very good having him as the narrator.

I like the idea, I really do, but the poem needs a lot of expansion and thought put into it. Right now, it's not very special. But you can make it special, you just need to take more time over it. The girl part is written, now write for the narrator.

~Amy