Time

Silent as the grave
It consumes us all
Nothing is safe
From towering mountains
To the gentlest rose
All with suffer the same fate
A restless enemy
Waging a war which we cannot win
Victory is impossible
The only weapon we have
Is our strength to move on,
And even that won’t last forever
Time is a silent killer

Hi again
The lack of punctuation is basically the only problem here, I've included it in bold , any other problem words I've put in bold with my explanation or suggestion in brackets.

AunnaLea wrote:Silent as the grave,
It consumes us all.
Nothing is safe;
From towering mountains
To the gentlest rose.
All with (I'm assuming you meant "will") suffer the same fate;
A restless enemy
Waging a war which we cannot win.
Victory is impossible.
The only weapon we have
Is our strength to move on,
And even that won’t last forever.
Time is a silent killer.

Good poem though, I like it
Just a word of caution: you have four posts and no reviews. It is appropriate to keep the 3:1 ratio - 3 reviews for every post.
Best wishes!

Hi Auna,

I'm June, your critic for the moment. This isn't a bad start to a poem, though I think it could stand to some improvement.

To begin, I've heard a quote before with a similar wording-- not to say that you have copied it, but for me, reading this felt like reading the quote. I understood the point that was being made, but I didn't really enjoy reading it, you know? I really appreciate poetry that makes me think about what's being said, words that grab my interest and make me want to finish reading the poem.


In story writing, structure doesn't matter so much, as it's just a background sort of affair. In poetry, though, the way you arrange the words on the page matter just as much as the words you're using. Cut down on the capital letters; keep the rule of sentencing and only capitalize the beginning of a new sentence or something-- the capitalized lines need to be used sparingly, because it makes us feel like we need to pause and then begin again, if that makes any sense at all.


Again, not a bad start. I would recommend a bit of clipping down excess words and narrative phrases that drag your poem. When you elaborate, try not to restate the same idea, as it grows pretty stale.

Best of luck writing, dear! Any questions? Send a PM my way.

June

Hey there! I really enjoyed this poem. It is so true, we can do nothing to stop time from passing. I don't think we are really victims of time, if we use the time we are given wisely. However, if we waste what little time we do have, then we are more than just helpless victims. My only criticism for this poem is that you should punctuate poetry just like you would normal prose. If you were to write this out in paragraph form you would put periods and commas where it is most natural and don't need to capitalise each line unless it follows a period, question mark, or exclamation point. Other than that, good job!

Hi Auna! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today!

So, I am really digging this poem. I like what you're trying to say here, about how we are all subject to the passage of time and everything.

But, I really think that you could expand your vocabulary and find other ways to describe this. As it is, this sounds almost cliche. Try finding some new ways to talk about the progression of time, ways that resonate with you on a personal, daily level. If you can get the poem to better reflect you like that, it will probably turn out even better.

So, a good start, but you can still work on it a little. Thank you for sharing this with us! PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice