Chessa & Aidenn

It's been a while since I have posted anything from my Glimmer book, I have been fixing and retouching things, and this is my newly written stuff, so please as always read and enjoy
P.S I didn't know where to place these two, it was between Fantasy Fiction and Romance..you decide!

My mother let out an exasperated sigh. “She doesn't believe me.” she said to the older man.
He smiled, “And can you blame her, we'll just have to show her, Aidenn do you mind?” he asked the young man.
“Me?” Aidenn asked, his dark eyebrows rose in surprise and a hint of pleasure.
The elder man nodded. “Better you then us.”
“Alright.” he agreed. “Chessa, come with me would you?” he extended his hand.
The sound of my name on his lips was like an aphrodisiac, my heart quickened and my mouth grew dry. What was I thinking! I didn't even know this guy for all I know he could be a serial killer, or worse.
But like the idiot I was I took his hand and followed him outside away from the grown ups. Outside to the fresh air, maybe it would be so kind as to blow the cobwebs away, and allow me to think rationally.
As we stepped out onto the wrap around porch I spotted something odd in my front yard. Sitting in the driveway behind my mom's black sapphire pearl Lexus IS, was a brand new 2009 Jaguar XF, it's ebony color sparkled in the sunlight.
My jaw slacked; I didn't do sports, I laughed at cheerleaders, I felt like a retard when I took ballet, I couldn't do any school activities, nothing. I was the girl, who sat in the back hoping to not be picked. But I did know my cars, and boy was I envious!
Ever since I was ten I had my heart set on an Astin Martin, you know the whole James Bond, bad ass vibe the car gave off, yea I wanted it bad. But the Jaguar always had a special place in my heart, the way the motor purred gave me chills, it's luxurious lines and pristine outlook. Everyone knew who you were if you had a Jag!
Seeing this exquisite car in my driveway, made me think of my own pet project. Wondering how my baby must be doing, with all this neglect.
Aidenn lead me towards the expensive car, he opened the passenger door like a gentlemen, I slid in all hot and bothered now, good looks and manners, this guy is so not real.
“So. . .” I mumbled, watching him slid in next to me my mouth started to water as I took in his broad chest muscles bulging beneath the wispy cotton material that is known as a shirt.
I was horrified at my thoughts towards this guy, I never wanted to reach out and touch a guy so badly, it was a good thing I sat on my hands. He was like a God, a Grecian God, from his flaming hair to the soles of his feet.
“So. . .” he copied me, his voice holding a hint of laughter, as he flashed me his funny lop-sided smile.
My heart slammed against my chest, voices in my head told me to reach out and take him, to make sure that he is real. I have never reacted so strongly to the opposite sex before, sure there are some fine looking boys back at school, but nothing like this.
Aidenn was better then chocolate, better then Brad Pitt, even better then Edward Cullen. Even I have a hard time believing this, Edward is a God, a chiseled Angel. But Aidenn, well I don't frankly know what Aidenn is, but he's better.
His eyebrows suddenly furrowed and his lips formed in a tight line. “Are you afraid of me?” he asked.
I opened my mouth to tell him that I was more afraid of a eight-hundred pound bear then him. Before I made my ridiculous statement, I noticed that I had scooted as far away from him as possible without noticing. My mouth snapped quickly together, before I could sound stupid.
He chuckled at me, his copper-gold eyes warm and breath taking. “Should I take that as a yes?” he asked relaxing back into the soft leather seats. I shook my head. “Good, because I'm not scary at all, a kitten is scarier then me.” I smiled and maybe scooted closer to him, only because the door handle had been digging into my lower back.
I could have enjoyed a little more sweet talk from the handsome fellow to my right, but my darn curiosity got the best of me. “What are you supposed to convince me of?” I asked, remembering what the elder man had said.
My question caught him off guard, his smile fell for a quick second and then was forced back, his eyes hardened while his brain configured my question. “I am to convince you that I am real.” he gave a short hard laugh, pointing to himself.
“How are you going to do that?” I asked, truly interested. If he could prove to me that he's real then I will believe one-hundred percent everything my mother has said.
His warm smile was back, as he slid closer to me. I could feel the very heat coming from his body, and that should tell me that he was real, but I was much to busy with his nearness to even think of that.
“Well there are two ways.” he held up two fingers as if I was five, I didn't mind. “One: the hard way that will be very difficult to explain. Two: the easy way that would just be nicer for the both of us.” he waited for me to pick.
“The hard way.” I boldly proclaimed, my lips curving in a smile.
“Are you sure?” he looked surprised.
I nodded my head.
“Alright then.” he shrugged his wide shoulders and held out his palm and began to concentrate really hard on it.
Great! I thought. He's either going to fart, or spontaneously com-bust.

I sat in the cold stuffy car, waiting for something amazing to happen, or really for something to happen. But so far nothing had happened, and I began to wonder if this Aidenn, was in fact a serial killer, and not the gorgeous foreign model, I thought him to be.
I looked up at him, his concentration so definite, I almost regretted interrupting him. But I was already 0 for twelve for being a bitch this morning, I figured I might as well continue my reign.
“Well, this has been a terrible blast.” I sighed, reaching for the door handle. “But I do believe that I hear my mom calling me, so if you don't mind...” I pulled on the handle, the door popped open and a spark ignited out of the corner of my eye.
I screamed, looking over my shoulder Aidenn's palm was on fire! On fire, how could this be, I hadn't seen him light himself on fire, what idiot would light himself on fire anyways!
“Aidenn!” I shouted, unsure of what to do myself, his hand was on fire, on fire god dammit! And he wasn't screaming bloody murder, like what the hell.
“Shh...” he whispered, the orange flames licking at his fingertips. “It's ok, I have it under control, come look.” he floated his hand over towards me.
I was mesmerized by the blue underbelly of the fire, I reached my hand towards the haunting flame, Aidenn's quiet foreign tongue whispering things gently into my ear.
Good thing common sense kicked in, and I was able to come out of my state of hypnotism. Before something terrible happened, like the whole car catching on fire or exploding, something terrible like that.
Pushing back against the door, I fell out landing on my rear end, feeling not so foolish because of the danger I was just in.
“You sick son of a bitch!” I shouted, standing to my feet, my limbs shaking uncontrollably. “You could have killed us both, with that little stunt in there!”
Aidenn jumped out of the car, the mesmerizing flame was smothered in his firm fist. “Chessa, you wanted to know weather I was real or not, and might I add you picked the hard way.” he countered, flipping his bangs out of his heated eyes.
“Well, what the hell was the easy way?” I yelled throwing my arms up in the air, not knowing what I was asking for.
Was this kid, seriously for real, setting his hand on fire in a closed compartment, a closed compartment that is extremely flammable.
In one quick movement Aidenn was inside the invisible bubble known as my space, his fingers brushed up my arms taking hold of them with utmost care. He leaned down and kissed me fully on the mouth. His lips tasted as sweet as honey, the best I have ever experienced.
He came up for air first, making me yearn for more. I had never known anything to be as precious as that kiss, it was so delicate and pure. I couldn't believe it, I was speechless.
And that scared me.
“That's the easy way.” he breathed, running his finger down from my temple to my jaw line. His eyes were liquid gold, his smile oddly crooked.
I stepped back, unable to conceive what just happened, I had kissed a total stranger, and I had liked it. So many thoughts raced through my head, too many of them were angry, and my breath was coming in sharp gasps, I had to get away.
I frowned, hoping it was an angry frown. “Fuck you.” I told him, giving him a good kick in the knee I ran back towards the house.
I looked over my shoulder, hoping beyond hope that he was cursing up a storm and jumping up and down at my childish behavior towards his poor shin. But he was gone, had he fallen over? Should I turn around to make sure I hadn't fatally injured him?
“Screw him.” I decided with a wicked smile, turning back around in that short amount of time a shadow flew in front of me.
I screamed, man had I turned into a screamer the past several hours or what. The shadow that had passed me was Aidenn, how he got in front of me when I clearly had a good head start and I clearly had broken his shin bone, I will never know.
“Jesus Christ!” I gasped, skidding to a stop at the front door, where Aidenn stood, quite heinously.

My mother let out an exasperated sigh. “She doesn't believe me.” she said to the older man.
He smiled, “And can you blame her, we'll just have to show her, Aidenn do you mind?” he asked the young man.
“Me?” Aidenn asked, his dark eyebrows rose in surprise and a hint of pleasure.
The elder man nodded. “Better you then us.”
“Alright.” he agreed. “Chessa, come with me(,) would you?” he extended his hand.
The sound of my name on his lips was like an aphrodisiac, my heart quickened and my mouth grew dry. What was I thinking! (?) I didn't even know this guy (end of sentence?) for all I know he could be a serial killer, or worse.
But like the idiot I was (,)I took his hand and followed him outside (,) away from the grown ups. Outside to the fresh air, maybe it would be so kind as to blow the cobwebs away,doesn't flow...change sentence structure) and allow me to think rationally.
As we stepped out onto the wrap around porch I spotted something odd in my front yard. Sitting in the driveway behind my mom's black sapphire pearl Lexus IS, was a brand new 2009 Jaguar XF, (;) it's ebony color sparkled in the sunlight.
My jaw slacked; (.)I didn't do sports, I laughed at cheerleaders, I felt like a retard is your character really that rude and harsh? doesn't seem to fit with your character as I see them so far...)when I took ballet, I couldn't do any school activities, nothing.Perhaps would be poignant to have "Nothing." as a stand-alone word...more emotive) I was the girl, who sat in the back hoping to not be picked (hoping not to be picked?). But I did know my cars, and boy was I envious! need to know what your envious of...it isn't obvious enough to be conveyed in a short phrase
Ever since I was ten I had my heart set on an Astin Martin, you know the whole James Bond, bad ass vibe the car gave off, yea I wanted it bad eeeek...if you're going to adopt colloquial speech, do it throughout...not in parts . But the Jaguar always had a special place in my heart, (.) the way the motor purred gave me chills, it's luxurious lines and pristine outlook. Everyone knew who you were if you had a Jag!
Seeing this exquisite car in my driveway, made me think of my own pet project. Wondering how my baby must be doing, with all this neglect.
Aidenn lead led me towards the expensive car, he opened the passenger door like a gentlemen opening the passenger door like a gentleman, I slid in all hot and bothered now now all hot and bothered, good looks and manners, this guy is so not real needs different emphasis as needs to be re-read to be understood.
“So. . .” I mumbled, watching him slid slide in next to me (.) my mouth started to water as I took in his broad chest muscles bulging beneath the wispy cotton material that is known as a shirteveryone knows its a shirt!!! Re-phrase...sounds silly.
I was horrified at my thoughts towards this guy, (.) I never wanted to reach out and touch a guy so badly, it was a good thing I sat on my hands. He was like a God, a Grecian God, from his flaming hair to the soles of his feet.
“So. . .” he copied me, his voice holding a hint of laughter, as he flashed me his funny lop-sided smile.
My heart slammed against my chest, voices in my head told me to reach out and take him, to make sure that he is real. I have never reacted so strongly to the opposite sex before, sure there are some fine looking boys back at school Lapsing back to colloquial speech again which makes the punctuation seem to be in the wrong place, but nothing like this.
Aidenn was better then chocolate, better then Brad Pitt, even better then Edward Cullen. Even I have a hard time believing this, Edward is a God, a chiseled Angel. But Aidenn, well I don't frankly know what Aidenn is, but he's better.
His eyebrows suddenly furrowed and his lips formed in a tight line. “Are you afraid of me?” he asked.
I opened my mouth to tell him that I was more afraid of a eight-hundred pound bear then him. Before I made my ridiculous statement, I noticed that I had scooted as far away from him as possible without noticing. My mouth snapped quickly together, before I could sound stupid.
He chuckled at me, his copper-gold eyes warm and breath taking. “Should I take that as a yes?” he asked relaxing back into the soft leather seats. I shook my head. “Good, because I'm not scary at all, a kitten is scarier then me.” I smiled and maybe scooted closer to him, only because the door handle had been digging into my lower back.
I could have enjoyed a little more sweet talk from the handsome fellow to my right, but my darn curiosity got the best of me. “What are you supposed to convince me of?” I asked, remembering what the elder man had said.
My question caught him off guard, his smile fell for a quick second and then was forced back, his eyes hardened while his brain configured my question. “I am to convince you that I am real.” he gave a short hard laugh, pointing to himself.
“How are you going to do that?” I asked, truly interested. If he could prove to me that he's real then I will believe one-hundred percent everything my mother has said.
His warm smile was back, as he slid closer to me. I could feel the very heat coming from his body, and that should tell me that he was real, but I was much to busy with his nearness to even think of that.
“Well there are two ways.” he held up two fingers as if I was five, I didn't mind. “One: the hard way that will be very difficult to explain. Two: the easy way that would just be nicer for the both of us.” he waited for me to pick.
“The hard way.” I boldly proclaimed, my lips curving in a smile.
“Are you sure?” he looked surprised.
I nodded my head.
“Alright then.” he shrugged his wide shoulders and held out his palm and began to concentrate really hard on it.
Great! I thought. He's either going to fart, or spontaneously com-bust.

I sat in the cold stuffy car, waiting for something amazing to happen, or really for something to happen. But so far nothing had happened, and I began to wonder if this Aidenn, was in fact a serial killer, and not the gorgeous foreign model, I thought him to be.
I looked up at him, his concentration so definite, I almost regretted interrupting him. But I was already 0 for twelve for being a bitch this morning, I figured I might as well continue my reign.
“Well, this has been a terrible blast.” I sighed, reaching for the door handle. “But I do believe that I hear my mom calling me, so if you don't mind...” I pulled on the handle, the door popped open and a spark ignited out of the corner of my eye.
I screamed, looking over my shoulder Aidenn's palm was on fire! On fire, how could this be, I hadn't seen him light himself on fire, what idiot would light himself on fire anyways!
“Aidenn!” I shouted, unsure of what to do myself, his hand was on fire, on fire god dammit! And he wasn't screaming bloody murder, like what the hell.
“Shh...” he whispered, the orange flames licking at his fingertips. “It's ok, I have it under control, come look.” he floated his hand over towards me.
I was mesmerized by the blue underbelly of the fire, I reached my hand towards the haunting flame, Aidenn's quiet foreign tongue whispering things gently into my ear.
Good thing common sense kicked in, and I was able to come out of my state of hypnotism. Before something terrible happened, like the whole car catching on fire or exploding, something terrible like that.
Pushing back against the door, I fell out landing on my rear end, feeling not so foolish because of the danger I was just in.
“You sick son of a bitch!” I shouted, standing to my feet, my limbs shaking uncontrollably. “You could have killed us both, with that little stunt in there!”
Aidenn jumped out of the car, the mesmerizing flame was smothered in his firm fist. “Chessa, you wanted to know weather I was real or not, and might I add you picked the hard way.” he countered, flipping his bangs out of his heated eyes.
“Well, what the hell was the easy way?” I yelled throwing my arms up in the air, not knowing what I was asking for.
Was this kid, seriously for real, setting his hand on fire in a closed compartment, a closed compartment that is extremely flammable.
In one quick movement Aidenn was inside the invisible bubble known as my space, his fingers brushed up my arms taking hold of them with utmost care. He leaned down and kissed me fully on the mouth. His lips tasted as sweet as honey, the best I have ever experienced.
He came up for air first, making me yearn for more. I had never known anything to be as precious as that kiss, it was so delicate and pure. I couldn't believe it, I was speechless.
And that scared me.
“That's the easy way.” he breathed, running his finger down from my temple to my jaw line. His eyes were liquid gold, his smile oddly crooked.
I stepped back, unable to conceive what just happened, I had kissed a total stranger, and I had liked it. So many thoughts raced through my head, too many of them were angry, and my breath was coming in sharp gasps, I had to get away.
I frowned, hoping it was an angry frown. “Fuck you.” I told him, giving him a good kick in the knee I ran back towards the house.
I looked over my shoulder, hoping beyond hope that he was cursing up a storm and jumping up and down at my childish behavior towards his poor shin. But he was gone, had he fallen over? Should I turn around to make sure I hadn't fatally injured him?
“Screw him.” I decided with a wicked smile, turning back around in that short amount of time a shadow flew in front of me.
I screamed, man had I turned into a screamer the past several hours or what. The shadow that had passed me was Aidenn, how he got in front of me when I clearly had a good head start and I clearly had broken his shin bone, I will never know.
“Jesus Christ!” I gasped, skidding to a stop at the front door, where Aidenn stood, quite heinously.
It's been a while since I have posted anything from my Glimmer book, I have been fixing and retouching things, and this is my newly written stuff, so please as always read and enjoy

If you want me to go through the rest doing the same type of thing I would be more than happy to do so, but since as a lot of it would be repetition I'll leave it with you...
Not at all sure where you are going with this, but hey, mystery is a good thing sometimes. I'm not a fan of the name dropping with the cars. I would much prefer for you to make up the names of the makes and models but be descriptive and make the reader see them...make sense?
Feel free to message me if you want any more comments

Hi Addawen!
I'll review this one for you today.

My mother let out an exasperated sigh. “She doesn't believe me.” she said to the older man.

Okay comma after me, instead of a period. Like this:
"She doesn't believe me," she said to the older man.
He sighed,"I don't understand."
She jumped up and yelled,"I love the circus!"
"Please," she whispered,"don't talk to me."
X:"She doesn't believe me." she said.

“Me?” Aidenn asked, his dark eyebrows rose in surprise and a hint of pleasure.

...in surprise with a hint of pleasure.

“Alright.” he agreed

Note the comma. "Alright," he agreed.

this guy is so not real.

Ahaha! I would think the same thing.

“Well there are two ways.” he held up two fingers as if I was five, I didn't mind.

Comma again.
_________________________
Okay so a few things I want to point out first.
Grammer:First of all, your commas. I suggest you brush up on some of the comma rules and when to use them.
Here a link that can teach you some of the basic comma rules and such. I think it might help you out for the future.
Secondly, I think you need to add more description. Remember to state feelings clearly. I think most of the time your character was confused and not aware of her own actions. I think you repeated a few things a few times. Like being afraid of Aidenn.
One tip I'm going to give you is about writing emotions. Don't say things like "She was scared" or "She was sad" too often. Try explaining the action that makes them feel that way.
Example: She looked at him with interest. His ebony eyes and curly hair made her heart skip a beat and send chills down her spine. His tender voice had beckoned her fingers to touch him softly, yet she forbid herself to do so.
Notice how I didn't state the emotion itself? Writing like this, your reader are more likely to feel with the character. I know this isn't the world's greatest example but hopefully you can understand what I was trying to say.
Plot I don't know what the plot is so far but I think you give enough mystery that it gives you flexibility to change the plot in the future. There wasn't much here so I can't exactly say anything else. But what you have so far is interesting!
Characters I believe I wasn't able to connect with these characters on a level that I would have liked. They do seem interesting but they feel so far away from me at the same time. I like Aidenn, he seems very attractive and cute. I also like the MC but again, I can't connect. I suggest you work on that one, I don't know how to help you with that though, sorry.
Flow Alright your flow is off. And I think it's because there seems to be a lot of things happening at once. Maybe you rushed a little or something but Some scenes are not flowing together. For example, the car scene. I didn't know whether they were driving or where they were going...But I think that's just because I haven't read the previous chapters or something. I have no background knowledge on that. But yeah, remember to tell us that he shifted into reverse and began driving down the street. Or he parked in her driveway or whatever. So we know what to imagine, so we know what's going on as you tell us your dialogue.

Okay well I think that's all!
I do like this though, I think it has some interesting potential. Mystery is always a good thing but try not to drag it out for too long. I think I might fall in love with Aidenn, I always love characters like him. lol
PM me if you need any help or have any questions or whatever.

~Pink

The other guys got the nitpicks, so I'm just here to say What the heck was that?

The funny thing is, I've done almost this exact same thing myself. A girl who has absolutely no character and nothing interesting about her, and then your dream guy, who for some reason has magical powers and is inexplicably attracted to her. It's a fun sort of story to write, but entirely impossible to read--pretty much. I mean, what kind of self-respecting girl likes this guy and then even when he's just lit his hand on fire lets him kiss her? I know she runs off afterwards, but I mean, she waits 'til after he pulls away to get mad and storm off. Slightly more plausible than going off to a hotel room with him, but even so, it's not realistic. I know I haven't read the whole story, but she says herself she's only known him a day, and what kind of creep lights his hand on fire and then kisses this stranger?

The story needs better structure, too. You state things like, "I was angry," but you're not showing enough. You're not describing anything besides this Aidenn guy's apparently perfect - yawn - face, and his amazing abs. It seriously annoys me when the author is too lazy to give the love interest some flaws once in a while. And I don't mean flaws as in, Oh, I messed up, I shouldn't be in love with you, I mean flaws that make him a human, a guy, a sometimes-idiot just like the rest of us.

Anyways, please fix it up so that Aidenn isn't perfect and Chessa isn't a faceless manikin of you that Aidenn can make out with. It was fun when I did it too, but it's not quite as fun to read and it really doesn't make for a good story.

I should go now, before I bring all the Twilight tweens running after me with pitchforks and knives. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest, and honestly, this story needs some work.

Good luck! I think I'd really like Aidenn if he wasn't so much like every other hot guy I've ever read about in books.

-SELA