jealousy

Jealousy of beauty is a pain like no other. Where it strikes your heart and forever corrupts your mind until you finally adjust to a dark feeling; that you'll never be anywhere near good enough for anyone who shall be so unworthy to set eyes on your rough features. This is why people shall cover their faces with hair and eyeliner; to hide the shame, the sadness, the ugly.

*Unoriginal*

Cliche and disappointing, to tell you the truth. I didn't think i 'd see a more 'emo' poem then the ones on Quizilla, till you actually put eyeliner into your piece.

Try again.

Ignore the person above me, she is a noob, to be quite honest, and doesn't know how we do things here on yws. Our aim, to remind everyone, is too constructively criticise, not to cut someone down with disparaging remarks.
I'd say it was ill-titled; it sounds more like the focal point in your poem is beauty or the fear of being ugly; not jealousy.
That being said, I titled my poem pancakes for grandma and it had absolutely nothing to do with a grandma or flapjacks.
Anyways..
I liked this poem as a thought you had, or as a sentence in a fiction piece. But it didn't really feel like poetry to me-- more like a stream of consciousness. That being said, I liked your idea. You might want to think about a different medium, however-- maybe constructing a short story around this idea, or expanding this and finding a rhythm.
But I don't know much about poetry; I wouldn've have commented at all if I hadn't been so aghast by the gentlewoman above me.
xoxoxoxoxox
******The Universe*******

empressoftheuniverse wrote:Ignore the person above me, she is a noob, to be quite honest, and doesn't know how we do things here on yws. Our aim, to remind everyone, is too constructively criticise, not to cut someone down with disparaging remarks.
I'd say it was ill-titled; it sounds more like the focal point in your poem is beauty or the fear of being ugly; not jealousy.
That being said, I titled my poem pancakes for grandma and it had absolutely nothing to do with a grandma or flapjacks.
Anyways..
I liked this poem as a thought you had, or as a sentence in a fiction piece. But it didn't really feel like poetry to me-- more like a stream of consciousness. That being said, I liked your idea. You might want to think about a different medium, however-- maybe constructing a short story around this idea, or expanding this and finding a rhythm.
But I don't know much about poetry; I wouldn've have commented at all if I hadn't been so aghast by the gentlewoman above me.
xoxoxoxoxox
******The Universe*******

Alright, i guess you have a point, but i comment the way i do because a year ago i wrote like this and it took someone's blunt opinion (to say the least) to get me to stop with my angst-y poetry. Saying to ignore me will not help the writer, and is a bit out of place for you to say, yes?
I'll critique again despite my being a 'noob' (whatever that has to do with this).
* I would say that you have potential but the topic is over-written, it feels as if i have read this before because of word choice, etc.
**Try breaking you poem up so the format looks like a poem
***"Where it strikes your heart and forever corrupts your mind until you finally adjust to a dark feeling" this sentence feels awkward. Pretty sure it's because of the way you broke this up.
**** after 'no other' put a comma and uncapitalize(is that a word? haha) 'where' then you can break up the sentence following it with commas, it should flow better.
***** "people shall cover" people already cover their faces with eyeliner and hair, i would change the word or delete it completely.

Kat Train, it was nice of you to redo your review.
And I've had the same situation as yours, but in reverse. Someone gave me a disparaging comment on a story I was writing, and told me to go in a different direction, so I dropped it completely... and it made me miserable for a while, because I had invested a lot of myself into the work. I still haven't picked it up.
And as for being a noob... in my opinion, some of the harshest critique-rs are the newest ones. I know, I was there, I would go on rants at some authors and pick fights with anyone who disagreed with me.
And if any of you want to see some really bad poetry, go check out my first (and possibly last) poem ever.
As far as levels of suckitude, I promise it won't disappoint.
Sorry for being so bad at reviewing poetry, caged heart.
******The Universe*********
One more thing to think about: Show, don't tell. Think about using your words to paint a picture.
And I've run out of lame advice.

That person who commented first is completely idiotic.
It is unbelivable that that some one would say something like that,
saying soething like that should not be allowed and be reported.

I love the poem, ignore idiots and keep writing!!!