Chicago

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Gender Female
Points 1134
Reviews 15
Chicago...
overwhelming, beautiful
city.
everything is new to me
it's easy to find color
hiding in between the big,
gray buildings trying to reach the sky.
there's love here, too
because everywhere i look
couples are holding hands
or kissing
right there in public
not something you see in
my small town.
And the shops! everywhere,
i could go anywhere and buy
anything. Grab something
from Chanel, if I wanted to.
The people here add to the
atmosphere,
this windy city.
Obviously they are everywhere,
walking kissing holding hands
smoking by the window with the
blinds up, for the
whole world to see,
or making bacon shirtless
while the cat claws at the window,
wanting back
in.
Last edited by KaatiieBugg on Sat Dec 12, 2009 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Writing: My Anti-Drug




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 49345
Reviews 547
KaatiieBugg wrote:Chicago...
overwhelming, beautiful
city.
Everything is new to me
it's easy to find color
hiding in between the big,
gray buildings trying to reach the sky.
There's love here, too,
because everywhere I look
couples are holding hands
or kissing
right there in public.
It's not something you see in
my small town.
And the shops! Everywhere,
I could go anywhere and buy
anything. Grab something
from Chanel, if I wanted to.
The people here add to the
scenery of the city,
this windy city.Quick comment: You are saying city too much, and sadly, this line doesn't make sense. I would replace city with 'atmosphere,' or something close to it.
Onviously they are everywhere,I don't know what this word is...
walkingkissingholdinghands.Why is it typed like this? By mistake? I hope so.
Smoking by the window with the
blinds up for the
whole world to see.
Or making bacon shirtless
while the cat claws at the window,
wanting back in.


So, if my corrections sound right to you, please change them. But, if not, then your poem doesn't make much sense.
I mean, I like it. It tells your opinion of the beautiful city you live in, but, where is the imagery? If I were you, I would toss in some lines that make your poem stand out so it doesn't just sound like a paragraph.
Chao!
~Classy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1134
Reviews 15
hey, thanks for reading my poem...

thanks for pointing out my usage of the word city... I think I need some different words that mean the same thing.
and those words without spaces was a mistake. haha, i'll run and fix it.
Writing: My Anti-Drug




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 49345
Reviews 547
No problem. If you are not getting reviews on other works of yours feel free to PM me.



they say money can't buy happiness, but what they don't realize is that money *can* buy novelty socks.
— blueca