A Little Fantasy Chapter 1: A New Beginning

From my blogsite

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Prologue HERE Thanks to Aquamarine for helping me in my prologue.

Here's the continuation of this chapter

Please critique both versions if you can
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CHAPTER 1 A New Beginning

ALEX

August 29 2014

The sun's rays glistening on my window woke me up from sleep. I open my eyes, still blurry, and see that the time is about 9:00 am. I have my sick leave today and remembering that almost made my eyes close again when a promise rushes to my head. A promise that I swore to uphold no matter what. That I have to start moving on. As my eyes close droopingly, I notice the date, August 29, 2014, a Friday. I clench my right fist and let out a deep sigh. Great, I had to remind myself that it has been exactly five years since we first met, three years since we broke up, and exactly one month since she married someone else, since Karen left me for someone else.

This day just can't get any worse for me. Today, I am moving on. Today, is a new day. I just really wonder if I can really move on right here, right now. I got to try, I have to try no matter what. I can't let myself live in the past, living the same moments of happiness only to wake up to a nightmare. I got to move on or else I'll die like this: in a bed, alone, and can't even get up to answer the phone...the phone? Who'd be calling me at this time of day?

I get up, notice the whole bedroom's a mess and I leave it like that. I got to be thankful that the phone's located across the living room, or else I'd still be bedridden.

The ringing won't stop, this better be good. If this is my boss calling me on my sick leave, I already have my sick voice prepared so there's no way their getting me to work today.

As pick up the phone and say a very groggy:

"Hello...?"

A woman's voice, a very excited one at that, replied with a very enthusiastic:

"Hey Alex! It's me!"

I struggled to identify the voice just as my ears recover from the deafening first-thing-you-hear-in-the-morning surprise it currently has a hard time recuperating. I can't believe anyone can be this loud first thing in the morning. I feel irate from trying to think so I just ask:

"Who...is this?"

The voice answered:

"It's me! Hannah!"

Hannah...Could this be Hannah from college? Now this is a surprise.

"Hannah Sinclair?"

"Yeah! It's me alright!"

Wow...it's been so long since I've heard from her.

"Oh! Hannah! How ya been?"

Hannah was my classmate in college. We're really close being that she was Karen's best friend in class. She's the nicest woman I have ever met. So nice in fact that she was voted the nicest person in the whole classroom during our farewell party. It was a no-brainer after all. Who else would be more than willing to listen to every story anyone would just suddenly feel like telling anytime, anyplace? Just her, only her. She's also very close with God, being that she's very uptight about her religion and the faith she has to it. In line with that, she'd really hate it when she would see our classmates do a little bit of cheating now and then. Even when she's forced into a corner, she'd never cheat, ever. Talk about martyrdom.

Not only is she nice but she's very smart too. She has quite the high grades in class. I'd like to think that her past times and hobbies had made a very good and sturdy foundation on her I.Q.: Playing with puzzles, solving crossword problems, make tricks with a Rubik's Cube, and play number games like Sudoku. She's not a nerd though, she's a cool girl with lots of friends everywhere. It goes hand-in-hand with the niceness she posses.

Did I mention how beautiful she is? She's no beauty queen but guys would go for her had she allowed them to do so. She didn't want any form of romantic relationship with anyone stating that she wanted to focus more on her studies. I tried asking her once if there were other reasons but she declined my interview. She's open to everyone's problems but not to her own feelings. For us, classmates, we're just glad we have at least one set of ears willing to listen to whatever crazy story we might feel telling someone.

It's been about four years since I last saw her, four years after graduation. I can't help but reminisce on how she looked like the last time I saw her. I remember her having silky white skin, long wavy black hair, big, round, hazelnut eyes, a slim figure, a perfect set of white teeth, and very soft hands. I'd normally fall for women like her, but I had my eyes set on someone else, and whenever that certain someone and I have problems, her hands would always calm me down and make me feel all light and well. I tell you, with her being religious and all, she must have the hands of God there.

"I'm fine of course! I just called to ask you that myself! Hahaha"

My train of thought breaks the moment she practically screamed on the phone out of sheer excitement.

"Well, I'm just fine myself! Hahaha. Sorry if I answered the phone like that. I just woke up and I'm sick. "

"Oh, you're sick? that's too bad. How is it? getting any better?"

I think her question is about Karen but I think otherwise.

"Yeah! I feel like I just recovered. I've been sick since three days ago and right now, I think can go out and have some fun, soaking up the morning sun!"

I guess I'm no longer sick.

"That's great! Uh listen, you wanna hang out later this afternoon? Let's go to TriNoMa! They have this new movie coming out that I just want to watch with someone."

I ponder why she would invite me and of all the places, TriNoMa. So I have to ask.

"How about your friends?"

"They all have work today. I'm on a half-day today so I was thinking of watching a movie to end my day today. So how about it? You joining me?"

I figured I needed some form of entertainment today.

"Sure. Why not. What time?"

"2:30 pm sharp as a knife!"

"OK then, I'll be seeing ya. Thanks!"

"No prob! Alrighty then! Laters!"

How the heck did she know I'm available today?

"Wait! Don't hang up!"

"..."

Great, I'll just have to ask her later then.

I put the phone back in place and I see my reflection on the mirror opposite my bedroom. It was a tall standing mirror with a ovular shape. It's about six foot tall, about my height.

I see myself in the mirror, I check my height and I think I'm about six feet. I see the way my body has lost it's former glory, what were once abs is now a flat slab. Depression really got me. I step closer to check my face and I find myself looking pale. My brown eyes still squinting because of stress and noticeable eyebags. I guess I lack sleep. I check my short hair. I never grow my hair beyond the back of the neck, with bangs reaching just below the eyes. I don't look like one of those emo guys though, I just like having my hair have that right length. I style my hair in a way that it's on right side with the left having a "lift" look, thanks to hair wax of course. I search for some white hair. It's still black, phew! I thought the stress was making my hair all gray.

I look through the window and see the sun's rays hitting me on the face, blinding me for a moment. It made me remember Hannah's phone call. That's the one good thing that happened to me this week. I feel all energized now. Her excitement, even after four years, is still contagious. I smirk a little when my stomach gets mad reminding me to something every normal human being should do first thing in the morning, eat breakfast. I go to the kitchen, get food from the fridge, cook rice, and fry eggs. For the first time in weeks, I finally have something to look forward to.



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Now tear it apart my dear critiques! Thanks for reading if you reach this sentence. Otherwise, no thanks LOL

EDIT: The indention kinda messes up my work. Oh well.
EDIT2: Edited after Mo's review! I can't believe I missed those errors!
EDIT 3: Added some more things after being reviewed by amber and yasmin

Hello! Here's my review!

The sun’s rays glistening on my window woke me up from sleep. I open my eyes, still blurry, and see that the time is about an hour past 8:00 am.

AN hour past eight? I think it would be a lot easier if you just wrote 9.

I have my sick leave today and remembering that almost made my eyes close again. Then I remember that I have to start moving on.

Remember this, remember that. - A bit too much repetition there, try using synonyms.

Just before my eyes shut, I catch a glimpse of the calendar. It’s a friday morning, August 29 2014. I clench my right fist and let out a deep sigh.

In this, y7you're doing a bit more telling than showing. Instead of: Just before my eyes shut, I catch a glimpse of the calendar. Try something like: As my eyes close droopingly, I notice the date, August 29, 2014.

Great, I had to remind myself that it has been exactly five years since we first met, three years since we broke up, and exactly one month since she married someone else, since Karen left me for someone else.

Thoughts go in italics.

Good thing I decided last week to start moving on the moment the calendar hits the 29th.

This doesn't make much sense. Try instead: Today, I am moving on. Today ,is a new day.

I just really wonder if I can really move on starting today.

Try putting this into thoughts, instead of saying I wondered whether this... or this... It makes it much more interesting to know the exact thoughts when you are writing like this.

I gotta try, I have to try no matter what.

If you are writing "gotta" then it needs to be a thought, in italics and have something like "I thought" after it.

I gotta move on or else I’ll die like this: in a bed, alone, dying of loneliness, and can’t even get up to answer the phone…the phone? Who’d be calling me at this time of day?

Again, these are thoughts, and you need to indicate so. Also, He'd die dying? Maybe: in a bed, alone. (you don't need loneliness after stating he's alone.

I gotta be thankful that the phone’s located across the living room, or else I’d still be bedridden. The ringing won’t stop, this better be good. If this is my boss calling me on my sick leave, I already have my sick voice prepared so there’s no way their getting me to work today.

Proper English is not "gotta", but "got to" or "have to". A new paragraph after the first sentence, because you mention a new, completely different topic in the sentence above.

As pick up the phone and say a very groggy “Hello…?” a woman’s voice, a very excited one at that, replied with a very enthusiastic “Hey Alex! It’s me!”. I struggled to identify the voice just as my ears recover from the deafening first-thing-you-hear-in-the-morning surprise it currently has a hard time recuperating. I can’t believe anyone can be this loud first thing in the morning. I feel irate from trying to think so I just ask “Who…is this?” the voice answered “It’s me! Hannah!”.

Line space between every form of speech.

“Oh! Hannah! How ya been?” Hannah’s my classmate in college. We’re really close being that she is Karen’s best friend in class. She’s the nicest woman I have ever met being that she’s very uptight about her religion and the faith she has to it. Not only is she nice but she’s very smart too. She likes to play with puzzles, solve crossword problems, and play number games like Sudoku. She’s not a nerd though. She’s a cool girl with lots of friends in college. Did I mention how beautiful she is? It’s been about four years since I last saw her, four years after graduation.

You're being very straightforward about her whole character. It's an information dump. Try to slowly, and more inconspicuously explain her, slowly revealing new parts of her personality.

I’m suddenly reminded on what she looks like. I remember her having silky white skin, long wavy black hair, big round eyes, a slim figure, and very soft hands. How I miss those hands that used to hold me when I felt like crap.

This seems like he's crushing on her, after not knowing her for four years. It doesn't fit well with the rest of the scenario.

“I’m fine of course! I just called to ask you that myself! Hahaha” My train of thought breaks the moment she practically screamed on the phone out of sheer excitement. “Well, I’m just fine myself! Hahaha. Sorry if I answered the phone very rudely. I just woke up and I’m sick. “Oh, you’re sick? that’s too bad. How is it? getting any better?” I think her question is about Karen but I think otherwise. “Yeah! I feel like I just recovered. I’ve been sick since three days ago and right now, I think can go out and have some fun, soaking up the morning sun!” I guess I’m no longer sick. “That’s great! Uh listen, you wanna hang out later this afternoon? Let’s go to TriNoMa! They have this new movie coming out that I just want to watch with someone” I ponder why she would invite me and of all the places, TriNoMa. So I have to ask.

Again, new line for every bit of speech. Also, whats TriNoMa?

“How about your friends?”

“They all have work today. I’m on a half-day today so I was thinking of watching a movie to end my day today. So how about it? You joining me?”

I figured I needed some form of entertainment today.

“Sure. Why not. What time?”

“2:30 pm sharp as a knife!”

“OK then, I’ll be seeing ya. Thanks!”

“No prob! Alrighty then! Laters!”

See, like this, what made you do it differently here?

She hangs up. That’s the one good thing that happened to me this week. I feel all energized now. Her excitement, even after four years, is still contagious. I smirk a little then my stomach got mad. I remember I haven’t had breakfast yet. I go for the fridge, cook rice, and fry eggs. I finally have something to look forward to.

My stomach got mad? You have changed tenses a little here. Try to fix that up, making sure your whole story is thorough in tense.

Overall
I really liked this. It needs a bit of work here and there, but it's really good, and I think it has great potential.

Hope I helped.

PM me when you write more!

~Mo.

“How about your friends?”

“They all have work today. I’m on a half-day today so I was thinking of watching a movie to end my day today. So how about it? You joining me?”

I figured I needed some form of entertainment today.

“Sure. Why not. What time?”

“2:30 pm sharp as a knife!”

“OK then, I’ll be seeing ya. Thanks!”

“No prob! Alrighty then! Laters!”

about this: while I was typing, I went to get my copy of The Time Traveler's Wife and saw how she did it. I wanted to see which one would fit better. And I guess her (Audrey's) version is better.

Trinoma = a very popular mall in our country.

and the "gotta" thing is how i wanted to build a certain character. I wanted to make "Alex" a character that doesn't really care about correct pronunciations.

I rushed this one this morning (GMT+8) before I left for school. I was hoping how many errors I would've made when I left! haha guess you caught them all, like them pokemons!

WOW! Thanks for this! I really appreciate your untimely efforts! You and Aquamarine are probably the best critiques that ever critiqued me! thanks lots!

Hey, thanks for inviting me to do your critique, I really appreciate it

ok, here goes.

Hannah's my classmate in college. We're really close being that she is Karen's best friend in class. She's the nicest woman I have ever met. So nice in fact that she was voted the nicest person in the whole classroom during our farewell party.

The way you're describing it here, it sounds like Alex is in college now, that they are so close. But then you say he hasn't seen her in four years. Can you really sat how close they are now if they haven't spoken in four years? Also, if it's been that long since they've spoken, would he know right away who 'Hannah' is or wouldn't he rack his brain a bit first?

Also, why is it they haven't spoken in four years. Why is it she called HIM when she had nothing do to? And I'm a little confused. Was he actually sick or not?

Those were my nitpicks and I hope it helped, I didn't want to sound harsh and I hope you will be encouraged by my comments. I would like for you to PM me when the next chapter comes out!

Thanks again for asking me to read!

Tanya

I found this peace to be very well written. The hero's feelings capture you immediately and your sumerged in the sympathy of a man who's lost someone he really cares about. One thing I did notice is that your description of the lady on the phone sort of over took the story. I can't remember her name but I know she's the smart, beautiful, shoulder-to-lean-on girl in the Hero's college class. Maybe more of the physical description should come when the Hero sees her, the rest should come in her actions and the way she makes the hero feel, comfort. She also seems too...perfect. Throw some flaws in to make her sound more interesting. Overall I give it a 3.5/5!! Great Job.

@born:

Thanks! I knew the tense in "Hannah's my classmate in college" sounded wrong LOL

and yeah, I SHOULD do a bit more elaborating on WHY she called HIM instead of some gay friend LOL.

about his sickness: yes and no. he is emotionally sick but physically, not at all. he has his sick leave because he really wanted to move on the day Karen and him met, which is the 29th of August.

He also knew it was Hannah when Hannah told him it was her LOL he "struggled" to try and remember the familiar voice being that he and Hannah were close friends in college.

I guess I should do more emphasis on Hannah's character? and Hannah told him that it was a Friday and most of her friends are at work. Come to think of it, how did she know that Alex wasn't working that day o_O. I am SO gonna fix it right now! THANKS!


@Yasmin: T_T 3.5/5! I guess it's better than a 0 LOL

Thanks for this. I'll keep that in mind. This one's in draft form anyway. I'll be sure to edit this about the physicals to come later in the story.

and the flaws: let's just say our hero prefers the imperfect version of this girl

PS: I also think i should add what the hero looks like LOL perhaps a "I look in the mirror" sentence is needed hahahaha

It's also an honor to be your first review



THANKS to the both of you!

It was a good start... I liked but i really wish i knew what the age of the people were. It would give me a better idea of what they looked like.
But over all, It was very, very good.

Hi there anima…again.
It looks like people have definitely hit all of the issues as far as nitpicks but I’ll just do an overview if that’s okay.

Dialogue
I do have a problem with the ‘gotta’ thing. It’s one thing when it’s within Alex’s thoughts and dialogue. I’ve used it that way before, but when you’re writing actions or descriptions then it really isn’t considered appropriate. And by keeping gotta within dialogue and thought, it makes it distinctly a part of Alex’s personality, rather than just poor grammar skills on your part.

Plot
You have the idea down because you’ve started on an unusual day and than put Alex in a situation that will instigate action. Very good.

Characters
When you describe someone, be careful not to just tell us all of this stuff. In stead of just telling us that Hannah is a very religions person, wait until he meets up with her to reveal that: “She’s wearing the same gold cross that she had back in college. I don’t think I could ever forget the way it hung around her neck, contrasting against her pale skin.” It feeds the information to the reader gradually as opposed to just tossing it on top of them. This goes for the way that you went about describing Alex too. It’s what most people would call an info dump. But mostly, you should just remember to add the details slowly. It makes more of an impact.

Other
I think that telling over showing really is your biggest problem. But with a little practice, you’ll be able to see what is telling and what is showing and then learning how not to tell. It just takes a little time and a little learning.

lilymoore

Yes. I admit that "telling over showing" is my real problem. I've been trying my best to improve on this aspect by over describing things, as you noticed on my information dump.

I really find it hard to be subtle when I write. It's like my brain has this urge to just let it all out at once before I forget them.

Thanks for this. I'll take this advice to heart.

Hey Anima! I know that you only asked for chapter two, but I wanted to do it all.

Nitpicks

I get up, notice the whole bedroom's a mess and I leave it like that. I got to be thankful that the phone's located across the living room, or else I'd still be bedridden.

The first sentence it a bit of a mess. You've rushed it, and so it just sounds awkward. Remove the "I" from "I leave it like that", and then add in something along the lines of "not caring about the masses of -insert word such as "papers" or "mess" here- that I was wading through." Secondly, saying "I got to be" isn't grammatically correct and should be changed to "Have to be".

I already have my sick voice prepared so there's no way their getting me to work today.

"their" should be "they're".

I struggled to identify the voice just as my ears recover from the deafening first-thing-you-hear-in-the-morning surprise it currently has a hard time recuperating.

This doesn't make sense. Read it out and you'll see.

"Oh! Hannah! How ya been?"

That's a very quick transition from "ugh it's morning" to "ooh! Hi!", I reckon that he'd still be groggy. Perhaps he could be "attempting to inject some enthusiam" into his voice?

We're really close being that she was Karen's best friend in class.

If they're really close then why is it a surprise that she called him? And if they haven't spoken in ages then they can't be close. Perhaps swith this to past tense?

She's the nicest woman I have ever met. So nice in fact that she was voted the nicest person in the whole classroom during our farewell party.

That's a lot of nice ...

Even when she's forced into a corner, she'd never cheat, ever. Talk about martyrdom.

Tense mix up again! "even when she was forced into a corner".

"I'm fine of course! I just called to ask you that myself! Hahaha"

Putting "haha" really doesn't work. You might want to put something like "she let out a -insert adjective here- laugh". Or something ...


Well, that's pretty much it for the nitpicks. Again, I advise you to check through your work! There are so many little mistakes that can be so easily corrected if you just comb through it yourself. Just read it out loud to yourself and you'll catch a load.

You messed up on tenses a little here. It's not as bad as the prologue, but do remember to watch out for it.

My main problem here is the way that Alex seems to be described. I don't have too much of a problem with the way that he's portrayed, but the reader feels quite isolated from him and, to be honest, that means that they might not care for him as much as they otherwise would. Try to give us a real insight into Alex, rather than making him rather flat and rushing through descriptions.

Hope this helps!

~Amy

Thank you for this! I will make sure that this story gets your interest once I'm done with it.