A Little Fantasy Chapter 1 continuation

Here's the final update of my chapter 1.

Here's the prologue

And here's the current chapter 1

Please critique the works above as well if you have time.

The following will be added to finally finish my chapter 1. I've been helped by many people here and I am very grateful to them.

Please review my work even to the tiniest details. Thank you for reading.

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KAREN


July 30 2014

I’m married now and there is nothing I can do about it. The first thing that comes to mind just a day after our wedding. It’s a very sunny day in Paris. The sun’s light penetrates through the pearl white curtains made of silk. God ’s simple way of reminding everyone that a new day is risen; that a new day is found and a new beginning is here. I’m not ready yet. God, please stall time. I lean towards the right and I see David, my husband. He sleeps so peacefully as if there’s not a problem in the world.

During our wedding, I tried so hard not to cry out of sorrow. I kept telling myself I’m supposed to be happy, don’t forget that. I still cried, but everyone thought it was out of joy. I could never forgive myself if I somehow hinted regret during a time where people are happy for me. I didn’t want to break David’s heart. In place of his I broke someone else’s, Alex’s. How I wish he would somehow forgive me for the wrong I did him. If only he knew why I left him, why I chose this path.

The sun rose even higher, I look at the Victorian wall clock and see that it’s almost 8 am. I sit up and see the room’s grandeur. David wants our honeymoon to be very memorable both in experience and in price, especially the price. David’s the type to over spend on luxuries such as cars, perfumes, food, traveling, and now, hotels. We’re staying at the Belle Etoile Suite at the Hotel Meurice, located on the Rue de Rivoli. Just looking at this room makes me assume that David’s spending thousands and thousands of dollars per day, again. It has to be up there with the rest of the “World’s Most Expensive Hotel Rooms in the World’s Most Expensive Hotels”. This room has it all: The full view of the beauty of Paris, a restaurant decorated and furnished in the image of Versailles, massive crystal chandeliers and gilt and marble surrounds and two, almost three, Michelin stars as the hotel pamphlet said. This room, this hotel, represents the luxurious life of Parisians.

This hotel is very much the opposite of the apartment Alex and I used to stay in. That place was "just okay" for me. Located near the city, not too big, not too small, not a great view, no chandeliers, no diamonds nor gold, that apartment used to be my castle. Now I'm sleeping inside one of the world's most expensive rooms. I skipped the evolution process.

I stand to drag myself to the bathroom and lock the door using the gold knob that seems to protrude itself with diamond-like stones. As I turn around, I am amazed at the caliber of this little girl’s room. It’s a white-marbled bathroom with double sinks and a round Jacuzzi tub, as well as a panoramic view of the city. Just looking at the bathroom makes a woman feel like a queen here. David, you have outdone yourself once more. I look at the bathroom mirror and I see myself. Am I happy? Because if I am happy, why don’t I look happy? I’m a lucky woman, married to a wonderful and rich man, staying at one of the most expensive places in the world and yet it doesn’t feel right. I see a woman, a very beautiful woman. So you’re beautiful, so what? Is this what you wanted?

I check the sleep dress I'm wearing. It's very sexy that it's really meant for "sleeping". It's really loose and reveals the curves of my chest very well. It's also barely below my upper thighs. Alex would'nt want me prancing around in this, he'd like it but otherwise have it removed or have me change. He would often choose the former. It's pink, and laced. I take it off and pause for a second.

I notice how my long, straight, black hair compliments my chest. Their not very big, but at the very least their a handful. I miss how Alex touches my breasts, so eager yet so calm; grasping them with such lust but with gentleness at the same time. Alex knows how to please a woman right, making me want more at start and shaking with satisfaction in the end. That’s one sacrifice I’ll just have to live with. Damn.

I touch myself, around the breasts, around and between my thighs. I’ll never be touched the same way again. If there is one thing I’ll surely miss it will be his hands. The way those hands make me feel like a woman every time they feel around my body. Their warmth, their firmness, the many pleasures they bring me. If only David had his hands, last night would’ve been more, a lot more, satisfying. I guess I want to feel them whenever David and I would have sex. I can’t believe I’m sexually frustrated and brooding over a bunch of hands.

I glance at the mirror once more and my vision blurs. I’m crying. Ha! I couldn’t fake it after all! Normally, tears are meant to be wiped but I just want these tears to stay in my eyes as they flow down my face, my chin, my chest, and as they reach where my feet plant themselves. I try my best to wrap my arms around my body, trying to fill the emptiness it feels, to ease the pain and the guilt I made it have. I wanna leave this place! I want that old crummy apartment! I want to live and love there! I silently scream these words as I fall to the floor, as if crawling towards a place I cannot see.


I am crying so hard that I can hear echoes of my wails bounce off the floor and walls. It is when knocks on the door catch me by surprise and make me suddenly stop and wash my face. At least try and look fresh. I want to wash away the evidence of lament.

“Karen, sweetie, you there?”

I force myself to stop sobbing.

“Yeah! I’m here honey!”

” Why is the door locked? Is everything okay?“

That question surprised me. Was he eavesdropping on me the whole time?

“Yeah, just using the little girls room. Why?”

“Nothing, just that you’ve been in there for quite some time and…”

Was I gone that long? I didn’t think I was gone long enough to make him ask that question.

“Honey, I’m fine! It’s just a little stomach upset!”

Great, now he thinks I’m gastronomically unstable.

“Okay! Sorry for that! Where do you want breakfast? Here or outside?”

“Anywhere’s fine!”

“Okay! After that, get dressed and we’ll eat out, okay?”

After that?

“Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Got it!”

I shower, grab my towel and cover myself. I stand in front of the mirror again. Karen, let’s do this. Come on! One day at a time! Just one day at a time.

Just one day at a time.

God ’s simple way of reminding everyone that a new day is risen, that a new day is found and a new beginning is here.

So... I'm pretty sure instead of a comma after risen you'll need a semi colon. Semi colons seperate two different thoughts in one sentence. Rigggght? Yeah.

During our marriage, I tried so hard not to cry out of sorrow.

I have a slight question. You said that they were on their honeymoon. During our marriage sounds like she was married and then got divorced or separated. Did you happen to mean during the wedding ceremony?

David wants our honeymoon to be very memorable both in experience and in price, specially the price.

Specially should have an E at the beginning.

Just looking at this room makes me assume that David’s spending thousands and thousands of dollars per day, again.

Dollars is the American currency. I would research what money is called in France and use that instead of dollars. This could just be me, but it'll make more sense. It's just a suggestion.

Located near the city, not too big, not too small, not a great view, no chandeliers, no diamonds nor gold, that apartment used to be my castle.

This could be me once again, but I don't think commas should be separated at descriptions. For not to big, not too small is okay. But for the rest? I would revise that part.

David, you have outdone yourself once more. I look at the bathroom mirror and I see myself.

The first sentence is a thought. I'm sure of it.

If there is one thing I’ll surely miss it will be his hands, the way they make me feel like a woman every time they feel around my body.

After hands I would place a period not a comma. Don't forget to capitalize the afterwords.

...my chin, my chest, and as they reach where my feet plants itself.

My feet plants itself? This is worded wrong. I would use themselves, not itself. Unless, you know, you're talking about one foot.

“Yeah! I’m here honey!”

Comma after honey.

“Yeah, yeah, okay, okay, got it!”

Period after the second yeah. Capitalize okay, add a period instead of the comma after the second one. Capitalize the G in got. [[:

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That's all I found. They're just simple little things that can be fixed quickly. Your dialogue. What is she doing while she's talking to him? Is she washing her face? Standing in front of the door? What's his voice sound like? Is it worried? You can probably see where I'm headed. Add actions to your dialogue. We're good to go! This is really good, but not my type of read.

-kaykel

I've read the prologue, Ch.1, and Ch.1 continuation. I think it will be easier if I rate them all at once here. The prologue rambles on about how heartbroken Karen and Alex are at being separated. In Ch.1, the reader suspects that Alex has a crush on Hannah and will fall in love with her, thus breaking Karen's heart. The continuation is better. It shows Karen's situation and gives more background, but still the moping continues. I see what you were trying to do. You want an emotionally powerful writing. You want us as readers to share in the sorrow of Karen and Alex, to root for them getting back together. However you start the story with the characters sobbing and expect us readers to feel sorry for them. You must earn the reader's sorrow. Start the story showing the characters in a good light. Show them when they were together all the while hinting at the doom that will occur. Then later on when the reader's familiar with the characters, show them in their hurting. The readers will relate better since they know the characters better.

Also, don't drown the reader in the character's grief. Reader's grow bored of that. Be subtle. Readers are very observant and can sense the character's emotions from the slightest of clues. Also make the characters stronger. It's disgusting to see characters laying around moping, not doing any thing to improve their situation. The reader will not care if the character's situation improves if the character behaves in such a manner.

I'm concerned about where this story's headed. Karen better have a really good reason for marrying David, because, if she doesn't, the story won't work. If Alex falls for Hannah as it appears he's doing, it will probably ruin the entire story. I can't be sure without seeing your plot outline. Him falling for Hannah may turn out to be the perfect thing. But, without me knowing the entire plot I can only say what I sense, which is it probably won't work. Also at this point in the story, make sure you jump into the action.

I realize that I am very nit-picky, but I try to give my best advice which sometimes involves that. I'm not best selling author, or even a published author, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Keep on writing. The fact that you can show characters thoughts in first person, can transition between sentences and paragraphs as you do, and use such complex sentence structures shows that your years of writing is paying off. Despite all my comments in the previous paragraphs, I sense a passion in your writing. Keep practicing.

@kaykel: wow! didn't notice them the misuse of words, terms, and punctuations! thank you for pinpointing them! I was really confused at whether to use marriage or wedding that I just wanted to push my luck earlier @_@ I feel so illiterate now .-.

>.< I knew this one was too sad as well LOL. I promise it would be more interesting by chapter 2-3.

@viviel: just for fun, I just started writing 2 months ago. So I really thank you for mistaking me for a long time writer LOL. I'm still a student I feel old now haha

and about the sad plot, I really wanted you opinions first before I proceeded with the next chapter. I really felt that the prologue and 1st chapter were too sad. I wondered if I should make the next chapter a happy one or just prolong the sadness THEN give a happy chapter when everything's down for the count.

Thank you for reading the "official" versions of this little work of mine.

And yes, Karen has a good reason, and as for Alex and Hannah...what you said would happen BUT that won't be the ending, that's not even the main "plan" or whatever you may call it. In fact, there would be lots and lots of twists 8D

i've never written anything with so many twists that i'm so excited to publish chapters 3-5 already

THANK YOU for the time and effort. I will now proceed to edit things out and improve on them.

Hi there anima…um…again. Haha. I just won’t leave you alone, will I?
Once again, it seems like the little things have already been picked apart but I do want to still give you a general overview. It never hurts after all.

Description
Something about this feels very bare bones. You’re giving us a very basic idea of the setting. But even a few little details, the pattern of the bedding or the color of the curtains. You spend a lot of time talking about the bathroom but the room just feels like a room. What’s shape is the room and how high up is it? The little details can make the biggest impact.

Karen
Honestly, I’m not liking her yet. I think it’s because she’s so…normal. Characters really do need to have something that makes them distinct. They fall flat and become rather uninteresting without unique characteristics.

Paris!!
Okay, I’m just going to warn you ahead of time that because you’re setting at least a small part of the story in Paris, then you’re going to want to really look into maps and other tourist attractions. Look for blogs and pictures to use as inspiration.

Hope I was helpful.
~lilymoore

I love Paris! I've never been there but I have my own ideas of what Paris is like based on what I read. I really planned on using a country or places I've never been into as a challenge.

Once again, I know I am poor in character development. I really have this tendency to focus the best of the characters in the selected parts of the story.

Do not fret! I will strive my best to make chapter 1 as beautiful as possible.

I heart you

Hey there! Nearly finished ...

Nitpicks:

Am I happy? Because if I am happy, why don’t I look happy?

She knows that she isn't happy, really. There isn't really much question about it. Maybe she should be trying to make herself happy or something?

using the gold knob that seems to protrude itself with diamond-like stones.

Not a good way to describe it. Maybe use something like "studded with diamond-like stones"?

It's very sexy -considering- that it's really meant for "sleeping"

Possibly add in "considering" so that it makes sense.

Alex would'nt want me prancing around in this,

"Wouldn't". Oh, and it would be better if you then followed it up with why he wouldn't.

Their not very big, but at the very least their a handful.

"their" should be "they're".

Normally, tears are meant to be wiped but I just want these tears to stay in my eyes as they flow down my face, my chin, my chest, and as they reach where my feet plant themselves.

I like the idea of this sentence, but I don't like the way that you've ended it. You'll want something more emotional and ... nice than "planted themselves". You want this to be beautiful, right?

Ok, that's it for nitpicks!

Again, you really need to watch out for TYPOS. They're a big occurence, but you should do your best to eradicate as many as possible before posting. Yes, we are here to review for you, but it's not a bad thing to proofread for yourself, right?

Hope this helps!

~Amy