well you certianely make it hard for me to critique things. I've sat here at least two different times trying to come up with something sensible to say. Third times a charm, or so it's said.
The splitting of the word "lightning" the third and fourth lines from the end of the second stanza I really like.. I find it almost morbid when read with the proceeding and succeding lines as well..
i can't really find anything that could be considered wrong. The first stanza, the first time I read it, sounded awkward due to the line break between the first two lines, but its a visual of "awkward running" to me, and upon several more readings, I think it works.
"and I wanted to
tell John Andy to swim, to show
how a cupped hand can move
water faster than memories."
That's going to stick for awhile.
meh, quite good, and quite over my head, and what I did understand (or thought I did) wow. bravo.
just wondering.. was the switch between second and third person intentional? It rather changes perspective if they are..
