Over His Head

Over His Head

He tempts fate when he walks out the front door.
The back door has been destroyed in his war.
He's still a child somewhere deep in his mind.
I would pity him, but I'm not the pitying kind


To how many girls has he pledged his love?
One too many - he still doesn't have enough.
Each one different and yet all the same,
In the way they weep tears of incurable pain.


All their diary entries state "He is the most handsome man ever".
I fell for his trap when I promised I'd never.
But what's done is done, what's been said is said.
I'm just another girl that went over his head.

No reviews! Well, we'll have to fix that

So you didn't add much punctiation, so I will read add some for you. They will be underlined. Ex. ,

Over His Head

He tempts fate when he walks out the front door.
The back door already been destroyed in his war.I deleted something in here. at the end of door you had an is conjunction. I believe it sounds better without it, what do you think?
He's still a child somewhere deep in his mind.
I would pity him, but I'm not the pitying kind.I absolutely love this line! Don't change it no matter what anyone says

To how many girls has he pledged his love?
One too many - he still doesn't have enough.So I changed this a lot. I deleted the and and added the italisized.
Each one different and yet all the same i added an 'all,' it just sounded right.
In the way they weep tears of incurable pain.

All their diary entries state "He is the most handsome man ever"I think man sounds more sophisticated and brilliant.
Would did I fall into that trap? I wish I could say "Never,"I don't like this. It makes the line too long and doesn't fit!
But what's done is done, what's been said is said.
I'm just another girl that went over his headSo, this is an outstanding way to end this poem. It pulled the entire work together.

Overall
I liked this! I havn't read anything like this on this site before, so bravo for that. The feelings of teh narrator are clear and beautiful. great job
~Classy

Thanks! I made some adjustments.
I hope it sounds better.

love it! love it! love it! thats all i have to say. It sounded really good, it flowed real nicely, and overall, i just loved it =P

I liked the last line. and the part about how you fell for it, even though you said you'd never. I just liked it. there's not one specific thing i can say about it, or whats wrong with it. i find nothing.

That's very kind, thankyou.