Calling All Heroes

Calling All Heroes
_
There's a boy who stands against the wall
smoking away his days.
He doesn't love;
and doesn't care.
Someone beat that out of him
somewhere along the way.
_
He'll look at you with eyes of hostility,
and when the day ends he clenches his fists
to fight his way through the night.
_
Maybe if someone had said
that crying isn't a sin,
that life is full of second chances,
he might not be fighting his way to the grave.
_
So I'm calling all heroes
to guide the lost,
and stand upright
for we who have already fallen.*
_
There's the girl who sits alone
down by the end of the pier.
She's twenty one;
looks thirty two,
and behind the smudged mascara
lie the dry and stale tears.
_
She'll smile at you, though her eyes never will,
and when the day ends she bows her head
for tonight will be as cold and perverse as the last.
_
Maybe if someone had told her
that she'll always be beautiful,
that innocence is to treasure,
she might not keep running in all the wrong directions.
_
So I'm calling all heroes
to show us the way.
To stand upright
for we who have already fallen.
To guide the lost
and lead us back to life.


_
**(That's where I'm going to stick something else in to take away the repitition, and make the poem grow? Either way, that verse will hopefully not be there.)

(I've got all the ideas but I've really struggled to put this one into writing. Suggestions are much appreciated.)

Hi, its infinite reality. This poem really was full of strong emotion. this is only my second critique but ill try to give some helpful info.

One thing that really broke the flow was this line

" and stand for we
who have already fallen."

Maybe like
"And stand upright
for those who have fallen"

Your poem not mine, but that kind of annoyed me. Also this line seemed a little out of place.

"To save the world"

It seemed like the poem was saying that little things can make a big difference and this line really killed that. Maybe like,

"To save and guide the lost"

there you go. It was really good though, Critique mine please, Its "Fire burns deep" in fantasy.

Hey there! I do like your poem honestly but for a forewarning this review will be harsh. Just a little helpful critism.

No down to business.

Okay so what was your ideal rhyme scheme?
Stanzas 1 and 5 flowed well but then if you tried and put that patterns to the others your readers missed it because the others don't flow at all.

And the way you repeated your

So I'm calling all heroes
to guide the lost,
and stand upright
for we who have already fallen.

Bluck. It seemed a bit filler-ish. Like you were trying to write verses and this was the chorus.

Also, your poem only travelled, it did not grow. All poems must grow. Or at least convey and emotion. Or tell a story. Or do something. Yours described two people. Maybe there was a little sympathy. But seriously? What were you trying to accomplish when you wrote this?

I did like it-- honest to God.
Sorry if I was too harsh, just another honest review.

You are probably fuming right now, but hey, you're welcome!

Hi, I'm Jas and I'll be your reviewer this evening. I'm going to do this in two sections; the first will address what you have here, and the second will address different angles you could explore for the rewrite.

1)
Rhythm
Stanza one: The first part of this flows well, but I think that the last two lines are too long. I'd read this aloud so that you can get a sense of the sound of the poem, and then I'd shorten them, perhaps by cutting "somewhere".

Stanza two: I think that the first line is too long, as is the second, and that the third is too short. Maybe try something like;
"He'll look at you through hostile eyes (I'd try through because then you have the repetition of the "oo" sound from "you.")
when the day ends he'll clench his fists
to fight his way through the night." I'd change "the" to a two syllable adjective like bitter or hostile and then capitalize the "N" so it's personified.

Stanza three: This stanza is rather bumpy to my mind. The last line is much too long. I'd read it aloud so you can hear how it sounds. Personally I'd try something like;
Maybe if someone had told him
crying isn't a sin,
life is full of second chances,"
and I'd rewrite the last line completely to something short.

_
Stanza Four: Can't see anything majorly wrong with the flow of this verse.

Stanza Five: I'd put an adjective of two syllables before "Pier", and I'd cut "the" and "and stale".


Stanza six: I'd cut "at you", and "and" and also rewrite the last line to a shorter one with rhyme.

Stanza Seven: I'd cut "all" and make "directions" singular.

Stanza Eight: This flows perfectly.

2) Personally I find this a tad pedantic.I like your imagery but the narrator irked me more than inspired me to change anything. I think it may be more effective to show things as you see them without directly attempting to instigate a change.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Oh my gosh, that was a beautiful poem. I can picture it in my mind, the boy smoking, the girl sitting alone on the pier. I know how it feels, being rather emo myself. You must know something about it too, since you wrote such a powerful, sensitive poem. I applaud you.

This is so beautiful, simple yet deep. The emotions are really powerful and although we don't exactly why the girl and boy are in the situation that they are in, I felt like I could relate to both of them in one way or another. Brilliant job!

Okay look, judging by the amount of reviews you've gotten, everyone loves your poem. So if I were you... I'd redo it, much, much better and pray for gold stars. (Every child/teen/young adult wants gold stars )

Review:

TenYo wrote:There's a boy who stands against the wall
smoking away his days.
He doesn't love;
and doesn't care.
Someone beat that out of him
somewhere along the way.

Does this sound better (I'm not trying to re-do your poem I'm just bad at quoting individual lines and opinionizing):

TenYo wrote:There's a boy who stands against the wall
smoking his days away:
He doesn't love,
Doesn't care
That was beat out of him along the way.

TenYo wrote:He'll look at you with eyes of hostility,
and when the day ends he clenches his fists
to fight his way through the night.

TenYo wrote:Eyes of histility, a scowl and a scowl on his face.
When the day ends he clenches his fists
to fight his way through the night.

TenYo wrote:Maybe if someone had said
that crying isn't a sin,
that life is full of second chances,
he might not be fighting his way to the grave.

TenYo wrote:Maybe, had someone told him
that crying isn't a sin,
that life is full of second chances,
he might not be fighting his way to the grave.

Okay, I'm already picturing your character here. GREAT!

TenYo wrote:So I'm calling all heroes
to guide the lost,
and stand upright
for we who have already fallen.*

Brevity:

TenYo wrote:'m calling on heroes
to guide the lost,
and stand for we who have fallen.*

Rythmic no?

TenYo wrote:There's the girl who sits alone
down by the end of the pier.
She's twenty one;
looks thirty two,
and behind the smudged mascara
lie the dry and stale tears.

Or:

TenYo wrote:There's a lonely girl,
down by the end of the pier:
She's twenty one;
looks thirty two,
and behind the smudged mascara
lie the dry and stale tears.

Not much work on that one

TenYo wrote:She'll smile at you, though her eyes never will,
and when the day ends she bows her head
for tonight will be as cold and perverse as the last.
_
Maybe if someone had told her
that she'll always be beautiful,
that innocence is to treasure,
she might not keep running in all the wrong directions.
_
So I'm calling all heroes
to show us the way.
To stand upright
for we who have already fallen.
To guide the lost
and lead us back to life.

Might as well do them together to save space:

TenYo wrote:She'll smile at you, though her eyes never will,
The sun sets and she bows her head
for tonight will be as cold and perverse as the last.
_
Maybe if someone had told her
that she'll always be beautiful,
that innocence is to treasure,
she might not keep running in all the wrong directions. (That made me want to cry and rescue a puppy GREAT!)
_

So I'm calling all heroes
to show us the way:
Weather the storm
Shine in the dark
And lead us, the lost
Back to life...

That was a pleasure to review and I swear you will still get more reviews, it really was good.

I thought the premise was very good, and even in the rough stages, this poem had excellent imagery. I don't like long drawn out reviews when other people give them to me, so i'll try to be as short and concise as I can. Keep in your mind syllable count when your writing. Especially critical in a non-rhyming poem is syllable count. Since it dosen't have a ryhme to give it structure and flow, the lines itself have to provide that. They don't have to be shakseperan exact in order for the poem to work, but they need to be in the same ballpark. and its not just about the number of syallables, but how thay are placed. for example...

He'll look at you with eyes of hostility,
and when the day ends he clenches his fists
to fight his way through the night.

The syllable count is not that far off in these three lines, 11, 10, 7, which isn't bad. but the fact that you ended the first line with a four syllable word and then the other two lines ended in one syllable words bothered me a little. Plus, a few more syllables could have been added in the last line.

Just somthing to keep in mind!

Hi.
Your poem had really strong imagery. It was a powerful poem with strong emotions.

I perseved the boy as a teenager who is in a downward spiral and can't see any way out. That's why he's looking for a hero.

The girl on the pier thinks she has no self-worth and is ugly. It would be great to know why she is crying and who took the light out of her eyes.

Thanks for the read,
Woozey

I liked this poem. the chorus sounding part, it made it interesting to find. Made it seem like a song. Was that how it was meant? if so, it was really good. If was more of a poem, I don't think it's necessary for it to be in there.

other than that, I think it was good. The flow was nice, as well as the rhyme.