Full Eclipse

This is my second try at this, after trying to make it more detailed. Enjoy, and please comment.

~*~

I feel the rush of heat
That lifts our dancing feet
Once our eyes briefely meet
The song begins.

Our bodies dance as one
As the song is sung
But before it’s even done
I begin to miss your warmth.

Once, we were complete
Once, our love was sweet
But then I saw you cheat,
I saw the dirty picture.

Your hungry smile
Oh, sweet denial,
Be there no trial
For me to overcome.

It can't be true
That the picture was you
Don't let my world turn gray and blue
My fragile lover.

The way your eyes
Told me of your lies
Showed that the lows and highs,
Must equal each other.

It was clear that we
Were meant to be
But now I see
I’m not good enough.

The lovely sounding lies
My heart slowly dies
And I watch in no surprise
As you kiss her in front of me.

When up is suddenly down,
A smile becomes a frown.
No lights illuminating thistown
I begin to see the fleeting stars.

They say cheaters never win
So now I must begin
To stop the awful spin
And move on.

A cracking heart
Can have no part
In budding starts
And so I start to tremble.

Moving on is oh so dreary
My mind is dark and weary
You left me with no fury
Only memories like broken records.

So take your lying lips,
The girl on your dirty hips,
Your full eclipse
And leave me be.

I am now standing strong
Your words that once were wrong
Have helped me all along
In strengthening my resolve.

You’re finally gone
The song is sung
My heart is young

And I am freed.

This was good, especially for your first try at poetry. I thought you relayed the message fairly clearly, though I might have used a bit more imagery, which is hard when you have such short lines and stanzas.

I also thought it was a bit dry so far as emotion goes. You told me how you felt, but I couldn't feel it. Does that make sense? Like, you were basically saying that since he cheated, you felt broken, but I didn't know how it felt to be broken.

Another thing I would suggest is adding more punctuation. Just a few commas here and there to smoothen things out.

Once compete,

I think you meant "complete".

This was good, it just needed a bit more emotion and imagery. And for future reference, I would suggest having longer lines and stanzas. That will make it easier to have longer descriptions.

Very Nice Poem..it sounds like it's your first poem, which isn't a bad thing but isn't relatively good either. I liiked it, and gave it a golden star because of your effort, and clarity of the message within the poem. Very nicely presented and it was easy to understand. Thumbs up!

Silversun, this is so sweet! It was a bit long but very emotional and through the the rhyme scheme it was executed beautifully! There where a few grammar/ spelling things not 100% right but I'm not going to nitpick. If you read it over you should see them.

The title fits perfectly. It's very descriptive of the poem it's self and what is happening, very creative of you!

There's not much more I can say, Congrats!

Awake

wow. I read this and was just like, wow. It was wonderful. I liked how the first three lines would rhyme, then the fourth would go into more detail about what the first three lines were about. AND I could relate to it also. I mean, when I first began, I couldn't but as I kept reading, I realized how similar the poem was to my experiences. The words once being wrong, but then helping you? That's how I felt too.

I loved this though, it was good ^_^