Dying Love

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Okay guys, tear it apart! Enjoy!

******

Whether it was from the warm, purple twilight, the sweet smell of roses, or the sounds of the little, brown finches fluttering around on the wood beneath her, Stella wasn’t sure. All she knew was that her heart was pounding, her stomach was fluttering, just like the finches, and her lips couldn’t turn up any further. She replayed the memories in her mind from moments before, continuously. His dark, blue eyes staring into hers, the nervous chuckle he gave as he wobbled down to one knee, and his hands shaking as though there was an earthquake. Timothy had been her best friend since she could remember. He grew from the annoying boy that strutted around, trying desperately to get her attention, to the caring, young man who was always there when she needed him, to now a grown man who loved her more than she thought she deserved.

Stella jolted herself from her porch swing; just to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. She leisurely headed to her bedroom, humming the song that she and Timothy had danced to at their first prom. As she sat on the edge of her bed, gazing at her extraordinarily beautiful ring, Timothy was humming the same song, as he strolled along the lamp lit streets, soaking in the moonlight.

He had a bounce in his step, a tune in his heart, and a beautiful fiance that he was sure he didn’t deserve. His hands were still shaking, just as much as they were when he awkwardly stumbled to one knee. He was the luckiest man in the world, and he knew it. Stella wasn’t only beautiful, she was kind, loving, forgiving, caring, and most of all his best friend.

Calling a cab seemed only too easy. As he slid into the back seat, his ears hallowed in on the locking doors, his heart gave a sudden leap, and not due to the thought of his beloved. The driver turned around in his seat, letting Timothy soak in the black, ski mask and the gun a few inches away.

“Please!” Timothy yelled. “Don’t hurt me. I’ll give you anything you want.”

“Shut up!” The criminal yelled. “Just-Just give me your money!”

Timothy searched his pockets. Nothing. He scanned his mind, thinking of a way-anyway-he could survive this.

“Now!” The other one shouted.

“I-I don’t have anything. I promise. Search me!”

“Liar!”

“No! Please!”

Timothy stripped off his denim jacket, unbuckled his gold watch, and pulled off his shoes. The driver seemed to be satisfied with these items, and the second Timothy heard the doors unlock, he jumped from the already moving cab, onto the black pavement. He glanced around nervously, until he saw a phone booth on the corner. He began running as fast as he could, thinking only of Stella. As he reached the booth, the smell of burning rubber and the screeching of grinding tires, raced toward him. BANG. He stood there, dazed a moment, not feeling this much pain in his life. The pain of not knowing if he’ll see her again.

Stella rested her head peacefully against her cold pillow, thinking of her best friend. How in the morning, she would be calling everyone one of her family members, and spending every waking moment with the man that would forever treasure her. And as she fell in and out of unconsciousness, she kept their song playing through her head, as her body finally allowed her sleep.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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Whether it was from the warm, purple twilight, the sweet smell of roses, or the sounds of the little, brown finches fluttering around on the wood beneath her, Stella wasn’t sure.

This doesn't flow well, and I'm not sure if it's a full sentence or not. But I do know that for a beginning sentence it should be alot smoother and grab our attention right away.

His dark, blue eyes staring into hers, the nervous chuckle he gave as he wobbled down to one knee, and his hands shaking as though there was an earthquake.

i love the description here, great job :)

He grew from the annoying boy that strutted around, trying desperately to get her attention, to the caring, young man who was always there when she needed him, to now a grown man who loved her more than she thought she deserved.

This seems to me as a run-on sentence, maybe chop it up into three different sentences, or something along those lines.

Stella jolted herself from her porch swing; just to make sure she wasn’t dreaming.

i understand you want Stella to be jerking out of her daydream, but I don't think that jolting is the right word to use here. Maybe shaking of her head as she stand up or something. Play with it a little more

As she sat on the edge of her bed, gazing at her extraordinarily beautiful ring; Timothy was humming the same song, as he strolled along the lamp lit streets, soaking in the moonlight.

If you still want this to be one long sentence a semicolon needs to be in place of the comma after the word ring.

He had a bounce in his step, a tune in his heart, and a beautiful fiance that he was sure he didn’t deserve.

So romantic, I love it! :smt003

As he slid into the back seat, his ears hallowed in on the locking doors, his heart gave a sudden leap, and not due to the thought of his beloved.

Great description

The driver turned around in his seat, letting Timothy soak in the black, ski mask and the gun a few inches away.

there shouldn't be a comma after the word black

He scanned his mind, thinking of a way-anyway-he could survive this.

There should be commas around the word anyway instead of -

As he reached the booth, the smell of burning rubber and the screeching of grinding tires, raced toward him. BANG. He stood there, dazed a moment, not feeling this much pain in his life.

Awesome description once again bravo

How in the morning, she would be calling everyone one of her family members, and spending every waking moment with the man that would forever treasure her.

after everyone the word one is not needed

Over all:
This was a great story, and I hope there will be more. if there is please PM me I would love to read it. I didn't see anything major wrong except for the few nitpicky things i pointed out :) Please PM if you have any other questions.

Also awesome characters I really felt connected to them. I was so not expecting for him to get shot I was rooting him to not get shot. Hopefully there will be more because that is such a cliff hanger.

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




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Great Work!! I loved it so much. I cant wait for you to finish it. My favorite part is when the robber was telling the clerk for the money. I cant wait for the rest! :elephant:




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I really liked this story! It had me hooked from almost the beginning,though at first I was kind of confused.There should be more of a development of the couple's relationship. Where they always just good friends and then one day he popped the big question? Or were they good friends who had started dating and then he popped the big question? Over all great effort!
Giving in is easy,fighting for what you believe in is the hard part.




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Hey guys! Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it. I don't have any intentions to continue this either. Although, I may change my mind.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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Hey Kate! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Whether it was from the warm, purple twilight, the sweet smell of roses, or the sounds of the little, brown finches fluttering around on the wood beneath her, Stella wasn’t sure.


So I'm thinking because might sound better than from. Also, are they on wood or undergrowth?

He grew from the annoying boy that strutted around,


If he was annoying, was he really her best friend?

and a beautiful fiance


it's fiancée because she's a woman, if she was a man she would be his fiancé. Just... yeah...

Alright...

II. CHARACTERS

I know this is a short story, and therefore character development doesn't have to be so extensive as if it was longer. However, my English teacher used to tell us don't kill a character in a short story as your readers haven't had time to get to know them to feel for them. I disagree. I think you can do it, as long as you let us know your characters before hand. Here, you've only spent about two lines description on each and no other development, and that's my main issue. Timothy dying, it's just sort of "myeh, I don't care."

If you're going to kill him, make him a real person. Sometimes dialogue is a good way to do this, and you've cut all that out. Don't be afraid to use some to flesh out your characters, this is so short you definitely have room too!

III. OVERALL

This was good. I felt that the characters and the conflict could have been done a little better, but your prose is very nice!

Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



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