Battlefields Eulogy

Next year, in April, I'm going on a tour of World War One battlefields with the other Year 10 history students. We are holding a memorial ceremony at Delville Wood. I asked the English teacher who is coming with us if I could write a poem, and she said yes, so I wrote this. Any feedback is welcome, as I want it to be perfect for April. Thanks.

______________________________

It’s 1916,
The Battle of the Somme,
I sit here in this shell-hole,
The battle rages on.
My boots are caked in mud,
My feet are soaking wet,
My hands are cold as ice,
I’m bathed in cold sweat.
I struggle to my feet,
And peering through rifle sights,
I clamber forward slowly,
Into the smoky night.
A sharp pain in my chest,
I look and see the blood,
A perfect shot, it seems,
I fall into the mud.
My eyes fix on the stars,
Through gaps in the smoke,
Think of my girl back home,
And how her heart’ll be broke.
The pain is burning my chest,
I know it’s time to go,
Farewell Mother and Father,
Sarah and little Joe.
I hear a frantic shout,
My vision starts to curl,
I’m too far gone, too late,
Farewell, sweet world.
It’s 1931,
She’s standing by my grave,
Two children by her side,
The legacy I made.
There are tears in their eyes,
Poppies in their hands,
As, indeed, are everywhere,
Here in this foreign land.
It’s 2010,
You are standing there,
Clipboards in your hands,
Raindrops in your hair.
With you one long ago child,
Her child, and then you,
Generations of my family,
If only I’d pulled through.

_____________________________

Thanks again!

Mia x

Hi there, Mia. June here.

I think that this is a decent effort. As with any piece of writing, it has its rough edges that could stand to go. I'm going to point out a few things I noticed as I went along.

> Language

Of my most common pet peeves in poetry, I often find myself telling writers to create a poetic language and work with that. Right now, the only thing distinguishing your poem from a normal story is the fact that you have line breaks throughout. Your language is so clear and simple that it doesn't sound poetic.

Of ways you could remedy this, you could vary your word choice. Instead of using every day words, use 'prettier' words. Use words in other contexts, use verbs in interesting ways. You don't have to, but if you avoid adverbs and try to tell your story with detail, chances are you'll have an improved poem.

Also, I'm not too sure how I like the first person narrative. It seems a bit out of place, and sometimes it's better to avoid first person in poetry, dear. It is only my opinion, but I feel that this would be more appreciative if you did choose another voice to speak in.

> Events

Highlight important ones, only.

The cold, wet, muddy stuff in the beginning is stuff we can know. It's not important, but I don't think you should eliminate that all the way. I would say to combine them, dearie, because as you have them spread out here, it looks like a waste of space.

Combining them would make your poem more concise. By eliminating trivial events you have more room for the bigger ones and can elaborate more on 'big ideas'. Here, your poem lays on the fence between important and not, because here we have a soldiers suffering that's should be heartfelt, but is a little rough to grasp the fact.



Overall, I can honestly say that you have a good start here. I would recommend working on this now, and then again after April. Experiencing the remnants first hand is an excellent way to better reflect.

Hope that helped some! Best of luck writing. Should you need anything else from me, you do know where to find me.

June

Absolutely beautiful! My history teacher would love this! It reminds me of the poems I read for school last year about soilders, I wanted to write one ever since then and this one as inspired me even more to write my own. Even though you lost me at the end when you said it was 2010 whenat the beging you said the solider was wounded in I 1930 something I think.

Hey there! Here as requested!

Nitpicks

It’s 1916,
The Battle of the Somme,
I sit here in this shell-hole,
The battle rages on.

I have two small nitpicks with these lines. Number one is the rhythm, which feels off in the first and last lines. The next is your second line; I feel that it could be a lot more poetic then it is. One way you could make it better is turn "shell" to "hell". This is pretty simple, but immediately packs more of a punch then just the fact itself. Another is changing the line so that it describes the hole instead. ("A rotten, hellish shell-hole" ...) Well, you can think of something a lot better than that!

My boots are caked in mud,
My feet are soaking wet,
My hands are cold as ice,
I’m bathed in cold sweat.

Again, you could do so much more with this part. I think June's already said this, but you need to make your vocabulary and description much less factual and much more poetic. Instead of just saying "My feet are soaking wet" you can say something like "Squelching in stagnant pools." The problem that also arises is your rhyme scheme, there's nothing at fault with it now, but if you changed the lines to involve more imagery then you'd also need to switch your rhyme scheme around. This might not be a problem, but you don't want to compromise your poetry by having a rhyme scheme.

A sharp pain in my chest,
I look and see the blood,
A perfect shot, it seems,
I fall into the mud.

We need more emotions in this poem! Again, it's just factual. But what the reader needs to do here is empathise and really feel what they should be feeling in the poem. As of now, it just seems a little clinical and detatched from the reader.

I hear a frantic shout,
My vision starts to curl,
I’m too far gone, too late,
Farewell, sweet world.

The second line just makes no sense to me. It feels like you've forced the rhyme here a little bit.

Overall
Well, I think that I've mostly said what I feel throughout the nitpicks. What you need to do it make your poem emotional and touching. The subject of your poem is such a great one, and I think that you need to stretch your poetic legs and really give it something. Expand your vocabulary, bring in some imagery and just make the readers feel what they should be feeling. You've got a really good start, and you've got a good rhyme scheme going!

Hope this helps!

~Amy

Sarah Pass wrote:Even though you lost me at the end when you said it was 2010 whenat the beging you said the solider was wounded in I 1930 something I think.

It's the passing of time: he's buried, and in 1931, his wife and children visit his grave, and in 2010, his child, grandchild and great-grandchild visit his grave.

OK?

Mia x

Hey Mia,

My favourite part about this poem was the so-called time travel; I liked how the soldier's viewpoint carried the story throughout the poem. I also always appreciate it when the author takes time to make their poetry rhyme, even though as often the rhymes need a little polishing. That was the case in this poem, too, but overall your rhymes worked quite well and weren't sounding too forced.

One thing I would like to see more in the poem is emotions. You've done a good try in showing-not-telling, but most of this poem is still a bit too informative. You want to make the reader feel what the soldier feels, not just read about it.

My boots are caked in mud,
My feet are soaking wet,
My hands are cold as ice,
I’m bathed in cold sweat.

This is an example of a part where you could do with more complex description. Soaking wet, ice cold, bathing in sweat, all of these are concepts everyone knows and thus don't bring anything new to the work. Surprise yourself with trying out new words and expressions. Also, you're using the word cold twice, which makes it sound repetitive, which is better to avoid.

That's all I have to say for now. Keep writing!


Demeter
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