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C1


Catching the signal from one of her friends, Angela brushes her skirt, takes a deep breath and walks towards where he is sitting.

Sitting down next to him very carefully she turns her head to look at him.

"Hello Brad" His eyes don't even flinch to look at her. "I don't understand why you hate me so much. What happened to forever?" His eyes flick to her briefly and then are gone again. Only long enough for her to see their light green beauty.

They sit there silently for some time.

"I don't hate you." Brad finally says startling Angela.

"Wha...?" Angela could only stare. Brad turns his head to look at her. His green eyes piercing her soul. His sandy blonde hair as messily, sexily styled as ever.

"I don't hate you, I never have. I just didn't want to be around you and hurt you anymore." Angela stares in dismay at his voice, gravely but soft.

"You never hurt me, ever." Angela blabbers out. "I'm so confused. Brad I don't understand. What made you think you were hurting me?"

"Anges." She flinches at his use of his nickname for her. "My life was falling apart around me and it was dragging me in too. I was a wreck. I still am." He turns his entire body and puts his hands on her shoulders. "You don't want me. I'm defective. I'm not normal. If you knew what was good for you you would leave me alone and forget about me."

"You know I cant. I never could. I love you." She starts tearing up. "I have to go."

She turns to get up and he grabs her arm.

"I love you too." His eyes passionate and show that he is telling the truth entirely.

Angela pulls free and runs to the womens restroom to dry away the tears. Her friends burst in the door behind her.

"How did it go....Ang?" Lillian realizes that Angela has been crying. "Angela what happened? What did that boy do to you? I swear I will kill him if he hurt you again!"

Angela drys her tears and sniffles "He didn't hurt me, seriously. Don't worry I'm fine." Pasting on a smile, "Lets go party like we came here to do."

Her friends give her a concerned look. "Lets go. Who needs boys anyways?!" Elizabethe squealed. Emma jabs her elbow into Elizabethe's ribs.

Angela smiles fakely. "Let's go."

Angela and her friends join all the other sweaty bodies on the dance floor and join in on the insane jumping up and down to the beat of "Down" by Jay Sean. Angela clearly not enjoying herself.

"Angie, lets go get a pizza from Italiano's. This is getting boring and I'm hungry." Elizabethe yells over the music.

Angela just shook her head yes.

Sitting in the back booth of Italiano's, Lillian orders a medium veggie pizza with extra broccoli. The lean blonde waitress takes a look at Angela's puffy red eyes and leaves them alone with no further questions.

When Angela pushes her slice of her favorite pizza away her friends know something was wrong.

"Angela if you don't tell us what is wrong we can't help you. What did Brad say?" Elizabethe clearly getting irritated by Angela's mini depression.

Angela got pushed over the edge by Elizabethe's comment. She stormes out of the restaurant as her friends just stare out the window watching her. The waitress peeles her eyes off the window after Angela's temper tantrum and askes the girls if they wanted their bill.

Elizabethe jammed the money to pay into the waitresses hand and stormed out the door on the opposite direction. Lillian picked up another slice of pizza and took a bite.

"Mmm this is good pizza." She smiles at the waitress. The waitress just rolls her eyes and walks away.

C2

Angela was sitting on her black quilted bed typing on her Macbook when there was a knock on her bedroom door.

"What?" She called crabbily. The door creaked open and a blonde head popped through the opening.

"Hey Anges. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out for a while but I see your busy." As he heads for the door Angela bounces off her bed and grabs his wrist and spins him around to face her.

"I am busy right now but...tomorrow, seven o'clock at the club on West Street." She blushes releasing her grip on his arm.

"Are you...asking me on a...date?" He stared at her baffled. "Angela. I..." Defeated, he agrees.

"I, uh, better get back to work. I have a lot to do, ya know?"

"Ya. I remember from last time you were writing. Busy, busy. See ya." She watched as he bounds down the stairs and listens to the back door slam.

She flopped down on her bed and sighed. She was remembering the reason she loved him so much. It wasn't just his gorgeous eyes or perfectly messy hair, but his caring, loving, modest personality.

*BUZZZZZZ BUZZ BUZZZ BU BUZZZZZ*

Flick! She flicked open her phone quickly only to realize it was a text. From Elizabethe. She flipped her phone closed without reading it and flopped back down, closing her eyes imagining the date.

The music is pounding out a heavy beat. Angela is dancing in a silver sequined top and black semi fitted pants. Brad in a white dress shirt and black jeans dancing close to her. He gets pushed into her and she catches and steadies him. She lets go of him. She feels a warm wet substance on her hand. She looks at the front of his shirt. There was a huge red blood stain on his shirt. She screams.

She sits up abruptly in the bed and realizes it is dark outside. She looks at the clock on her night stand. 5:46 AM.

"Ugh" She rolls over in her bed and crawls under the covers to go back to sleep.

C3

"I don't know what he wanted to do. I was busy writing so I didn't bother asking. I didn't have time to go out and I didn't want to tempt myself." Angela says into her cell phone while ruffling through her closet.

"Elizabethe do you know where my red blouse is?." She pauses. "Ya the silky one. Do you still have it?" She pauses listening to Elizabethe's response. "Can you bring it over real fast? I need it for tonight...yes tonight....what do you mean details???? I haven't gone yet! If you bring my blouse over I promise that you will get a play by play...yes promise....Okay thank you!!! See you soon...Uh huh. Bye."

She pulls a pair of dark wash skinny jeans out of her dresser closet, laying it on her bed. She kneels down and looks under her bed. She pulls out her silver thong sandals.

"Ugh...I need to go shopping." She pulls out her phone and texts Lillian for a shopping spree on Saturday. Within less than a minute she gets a text back.

"TOTALLY!! Meet me @ central park at 11."

There is a knock on her bedroom door seconds later.

"Come in!" Elizabethe walks in and stares at her friend, hair in curlers, ratty old tank top, and purple striped pajama pants.

"Did you get hit by a train? I thought you would even wear nice clothing to sleep in, guess not." Elizabethe sets the blouse down on the bed. "Your lucky you didn't need it sooner, it was in the dryer and it just finished drying."

"Oh gosh I don't know what I would have done then." Angela grabs the outfit and goes into her bathroom.

"What are you going to do with your face?" Elizabethe shouts through the door. "I could help you. Even better yet you could go get your face done at a salon. Ooh I like that idea!" Angela comes out of the bathroom hair out of curlers and dressed. She walks over to her mirror with lip gloss in hand.

"I'm not really doing anything with my face. Just a brush of brown eye shadow and mascara. He likes my natural face. I just cant stand au naturale" Angela looks at Elizabethe in the mirror. "Ya know?"

"Ya I know." Angela grabbs her hand bag after pulling her sandals on and ran down the stairs, Elizabethe in tow.

"Okay have fun!" As she walks to her car she makes a 'call me' sign to Angela and smile. Angela just rolls her eyes and gets in her car.

"Here we go again!"
Last edited by Jessey on Fri Feb 26, 2010 11:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Bonjour, Jessey! I thought this was pretty good. Although, you have things you need to practice on. This is just me, but I would watch your grammar. Too many grammar mistakes can really turn people off immediately. There are quite a bit of grammar mistakes, and I suggest you fix them. If you read this out loud, I think it will help you a lot. You have tense issues as well. Make sure you decided what person (first, second, third) you want to write in, then stick with it and make sure you maintain subject verb agreement. A few things you may want to clarify: Where are they in the beginning? Why does everyone live with Angela? What is wrong with Brad? Go back through and clarify the grammar and setting problems. I don't mean this in any way shape or form to be rude, but this reminded me a lot of Twilight. Just my opinion. If your reading it, or are thinking about how Stephenie writes, then that is probably why. Also, there is a 2:1 ratio. Review at least two stories before posting your own. Keep in mind, stories longer than 1000 words don't get as many reviews!

Keep writing! Good luck!

-Kate :elephant:

P.S. Sorry if this sounded harsh. I am only trying to help. Practice makes perfect! Please PM me if you have any questions.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

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Hi there!

I found this story a very easy read, which can be good every once in a while!

First of all, grammar and spelling need to be in top condition to increase reader attraction. Here, the most basic grammar rules have been broken: capitalizing the first letter of your sentence, to/two/too, and others. Check out our Writing Tibs KB (found at the top under Writing Resources) for articles that can help you with such rules.

Now concerning the material of your story, your characters seem very cardboard cut-out to me. I didn't really feel for either of them, except for maybe Angela's friends because I was very much confused and wanted to know what was happening too. To help with this, you will want to spend more time on their actions, their words, how they say things, their habits, etc. The little things that makes a human being human. This way, it's easier to relate with the characters.

A lot more description could have helped you as well. I found myself skimming parts of this (or just reading too quickly to comprehend) because my mind was uninterested in what was happening. Describe the setting, the atmosphere, use all five senses (taste, hear, smell, see, touch) to help you out, and just talk about things.

The dialogue is a bit weak, but that's going back to my point on characters. Most of your dialogue is actually very realistic, it's just how your characters say it and what they're doing while they say it that's the problem. So take your time explaining these things.

Hopefully that helped you somewhat. Glad to see you're here on YWS, and I hope you're enjoying your stay! If you have any questions concerning anything, send a PM my way!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!


Last bumped by Jessey on Fri Feb 26, 2010 11:05 pm.
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I went to confront noisy neighbours, only to find the windows dark, stuck with two notes. The ghost, too, had "gone fishing". Something still whistled.
— Liminality