My Weakness

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I tip the bottle to my lips
I stare at the picture on the bed

I say I will only take a couple sips
Its like they shot my veins with lead

My heart is aching
My life is breaking

I wrote the letter
With every quote

I just wish they would come

I through the bottle to the floor
I take the match from beside the door

I strike a spark
The flames spread throughout the room

I take another sip
As I glance at that picture
And walk out the door
Last edited by L!llY Masacre! on Sat Nov 28, 2009 12:37 am, edited 2 times in total.
L!llY Masacre!




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FIRST OFF: Read my sig please.

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I stare at the picture on the bed


It would be more dramatic if you made it "on my bed" :)

I say I will only take a couple sips

This one seems too long. Try "I say I'll take a few sips"

Its like they shot my veins with led


correct spelling is "lead"

I through the bottle to the floor

"Threw" and "on" are the words you're looking for. It should look like this
"I threw the bottle on the floor"

I take the match from beside the door

Omit "from"

The flames strike up around the room

I found this too wordy. Try "The flames spread throughout the room"

Over all:

Not bad really. I only wonder why the title's called "My weakness". Is it because the weakness was the picture and you wanted to destroy your weakness?
Last edited by anima9 on Sat Nov 28, 2009 1:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
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This is a very good poem! I loved it!
Giving in is easy,fighting for what you believe in is the hard part.



Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman