Nothing Beats A Water Fall

I had to see that she was okay. She was my best friend, through thick and thin. Who else would help me find my puppy in a rain shower at 3am? Besides, she had just found out her sister got into a car crash. She may never wake up from her coma. It had been a few weeks, she hadn't returned any of my calls. But, I knew that if I showed up at her house then she wouldn't refuse me. She was never able to say no to me. I grinned at the thought. Jenny needed to see me. It was her only way of cheering up right now.


I walked towards her gateway, passing the many colors from the garden as I made my way to her door. I knocked hesitantly and waited for a reply.


"Hey Austen. How are you?" She smiled, obviously not expecting me.

"Oh, you know me. Always smiling." I laughed lightly.

"I'm really sorry I didn't return any of your calls," she spoke softly. "Everything seems a little too much and I didn't really feel like talking."

"It's okay, Jen. Actually, I wanted to take you somewhere. Put this on." I unraveled the blind fold and handed it to her. She nodded obediently, grinned and then put it on.

I took her hand and led her down towards the short cut in the fields. She didn't complain once. Allthough, she did try to take off the blind fold for a preview. Unsuccessfully, of course.

"Alright, hold on tight here Jenny. These rocks are a little slippy." I directed.

"I'll fall!" She gasped as she grasped the back of my shirt. I let out a light chuckle.

"You'll survive. Trust me."

She held on tight to my shirt and I directed us both up the slippery rocks and sat us both down.

"What's that sound?" She wondered, taking off the blind fold before giving me the chance to respond.

"Whoa!" She gasped, taking in the thick fall of glittering, blue water that gushed down in front of us.

"Cool right?"

"It's beautiful!"

The clear blue water was only to be described as beautiful. If nothing else, that is. Through it, you could see another cliff ahead, covered with bright pink,flowers and incredibly green grass. Just like a fresh Summer day should be. It was breath-taking.

"Why'd you do all this? It really cheered me up. You didn't have to." She said, looking up at me through her hazel eyes. Her long red hair glittered through the effect of the water.

"I know." I smiled brightly.

"Then why'd you do it?" She asked.

"Well, Jenny. Nothing beats a water fall." For the rest of the evening we didn't say a word. We just sat and stared straight at the water fall.

I think for what it is, it's pretty good I have to say. This seems like just an excerpt so I won't stress this point but who was your narrator? Was it a she or he? I mean to me Austen could go either way. Was he or she in love with Jenny or was it just a simple friendship thing? I mean I have friends and when their low I do try to cheer them up but I think this character's motivation seems more romantic, just from the way you wrote it all. And if that's the case I feel since it is a narrative you could have Austen be a lot more descriptive about his/her feelings for Jenny. I mean narration is inside your character's head after all. It's not like Jenny can her him/her thinking about how beautiful she is and how much he/she wants her. I'm working on a couple of things now, neither has narration but I do look forward to writing something like that soon. If for no other reason than that you get to be so much more animated in your wording because it's someone's thoughts and the way they talk. There really are no rules in terms of slang and stuff like that. Get it? I hope that came across. Anyway I like it, keep going.

First of all, I was really intrigued by the title of your piece and enjoyed reading it! There are a few little things I picked up on though so I'll just give you my opinion, not that you have to accept them of course.

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:I had to see that she was okay. She was my best friend, through thick and thin. Who else would help me find my puppy in a rain shower at 3am? Besides, she had just found out her sister got into a car crash. She may never wake up from her comma coma, this also seems a little blunt - how long has she been in a coma, what was Jenny's reaction? Just a little too much to spring on the audience?. Jenny needed to see me. It was her only way of cheering up right now.

It is interesting and straight away you show how close they both are, but the short sentences keep the reader from connecting with either character and feeling any emotion for them - so a little development could show a really great friendship which I think would be lovely to read.
Secondly, I think this character is really kind hearted and lovely but the "Jenny needed to see me. It was her only way of cheering up right now." seems almost pompous?
Also, if Jenny couldn't answer one of Austen's calls or send him a text to let him know she's ok - why would she go out with him on a whim?
Then the image of them walking down to the waterfall could be really romanticised, assuming they do have feelings for each other? So you could describe the setting in between the dialogue and her expression as she's being pulled along to a place she has no idea about - curiosity, excitement, worry?

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:The clear blue water was only to be described as beautiful. If nothing else, that is. Through it, you could see another cliff ahead, covered with flowers and grass. It was breath-taking.

Like here for example, you could really have developed this into this beautiful picture, 'flowers and grass' seems a little basic - what the audience would expect anyway?

Overall though, I enjoyed it - it would just be nice to read into their friendship/relationship a little more and have some more description to add to the story