Paper Piano-Chap. Two

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7036
Reviews 53
Before you read this one, I suggest that you read Paper Piano-Chap. One first. Enjoy!

********

“Oh, it’s perfect!” A black, grand piano stood in the middle of the café with the white keys shining in the spotlights.

“I thought since your piano is a piace of crap-”

“Hey! It is not. It’s just very tempermental.”

“Anyway, I thought that you could play here when your piano has a bad day.”

“Thank you. Did I tell you? I have a recital tomorrow.”

“Awesome! Where?”

“Central Hall.” I bit my lip. What if I mess up while he’s there? I shouldn’t have told him!

“When? You know, you should always tell me when you have these things. I want to support you in everything you do.” He said, as if reading my mind.

“It’s at two-thirty. I know, I guess I didn’t think about it.” We were both quiet for a moment. Now I have to make sure I don’t mess up! You haven’t even practiced, Emma!

“I wanted to bring you here this morning, when Dad bought it, but someone had to be stubborn.” His full lips pulled up into a mocking grin, making butterflies flutter around in my stomach.

“Why exactly did your Dad buy a resturaunt?” I asked, looking around at the faded yellow walls, the white tile floor, and torn up brown booths.

“For the sake of food, of course.” Logan said matter-of-fact.

“I guess that’s a good enough reason.” I laughed, humored by his sarcasm.

“Can I play?” I asked. He didn’t say anything, just simply pulled me over to the bench.

I glanced at him, eager to sneak another look into his blue eyes, but they were closed. Seeing him so peaceful calmed my nerves from sneaking out. For a moment. I sat there, my eyes taking in every ounce of his features. His fly away blond hair, strong jaw line, and his toned shoulders. Suddenly, his eyes flew open, as if asking why I wasn’t playing.

“Play.” He whisperd, his breath caressing my face.

I forced my eyes off of him, then took a deep breath. My fingers started gently playing the notes of Moonlight Sonata as if I had played this song a thousand times. Oddly enough, I didn’t feel any of the pressure I thought I was going to. His presense calmed me more than anything. I played all the songs I was scheduled to play tomorrow, until suddenly I remembered that we were in an old café, alone, at midnight. Emma. Get home right now. One part of my inner voice commanded. Play, girl, play! The other part said. I pictured two little angels, one on each of my shoulders.

You know you shouldn’t be here.

Your in love! Live you life, Emma.

Go home!

Stay.

“What’s wrong?” Logan asked, pulling me into his arms.

“Um-nothing. I was thinking of something.” I gently pulled away. We shouldn’t be here.

“Well, you started playing really loudly, like you were at a rock concert,” he laughed.

“Sorry.” I got up, finally agreeing with my conscience.

“Were are you going?” He asked, grabbing my hand.

“Take me home, please. I really enjoyed playing, but Logan- I need you to think. Couldn’t this have waited until tomorrow? My dad wouldn’t have cared that you brought me here. But he would care that you brought me here at midnight.” I saw his mouth open to argue, but I put my hand up. “I’m not finished. You know that I don’t like to disobey my parents. And you also know that I love being with you. So, please, don’t make this so difficult on me.” Why doesn’t he think?

“I’m sorry, Emma. I thought you would think it was fun.” His forehead was creased in either frustration, or confusion, I don’t know.

“No, Logan. I do not think sneaking out is fun.” I pushed pass him, and started walking towards his car.

“Okay, fine then. I won’t try to get you to do anything fun.” He was right behind me. I could feel his eyes on my back.

“That’s not it!” I turned around with a incredulous look on my face. “I want to have fun, Logan. The problem is, is that you don’t know how to tell right from wrong.”

“So I am a problem?” He asked, clenching his keys in his hands.

“Can you please unlock the car?” I asked. We both stood on opposite sides of the car.

“Not until you tell me whether or not I’m the problem.” Anger flew through me at his words, and I kicked his tire. I wish I could kick him.

“Okay, fine! You know what, Logan? You are the problem. We wouldn’t get into these fights if you wouldn’t try to get me to disobey my parents all the time!”

“No, we wouldn’t fight if you would just relax a little. Your so stuck up sometimes”

“What? I am not!” He was pushing me to my limits. My face was hot from anger, and so was his.

“Yes, you are. Your always telling me what to do to.”

“Well, maybe we just shouldn’t be together then.” No! What did you just say, Emma? I take it back! You love him! He didn’t say anything, just stood there. Words were screaming in my head, but I couldn’t say them. Again, one part of me wanted to leave him, the other didn’t.

“If that’s what you want.”
Last edited by wonderingkate on Wed Nov 25, 2009 3:51 am, edited 3 times in total.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 83957
Reviews 1464
Hi again! Thought I'd come back while I'm on break. ;D

That was sad. Actually, that frustrated me. xD Logan is a problem. I almost want to say Logan went too far, but they've been together longer than your story.

Ooh! Maybe you could give a few flashbacks in either/or the first and second chapter. Like maybe one time Emma disobeyed her parents for Logan and she got into serious trouble. Or when Logan disrespected her wishes for the umpteenth time. It could be in dialogue or dreams or wherever, but I think that would help prepare the reader for this sudden argument.

There were some grammar/spelling mistakes in there, such as mixing up your/you're and where/were. A simple edit will get that taken care of though.

Definitely describe the piano and her playing some more. Or even the restaurant! I don't really know what that restaurant looks like. I think Logan should also tell us more about that. We only know his dad's opening up a restaurant. Perhaps explain why the sudden idea of opening a restaurant or what his job is, etc. Emma can ask questions or Logan can just have a monologue. I dun really care as long as it fits. ;D

Those are the only points I found. Excellent chapter! I can see this story going far, so I hope you continue this and that it works out for you.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2840
Reviews 14
wonderingkate wrote:“Oh, it’s perfect!” A black, grand, piano stood in the middle of the café with white keys shining in the spotlights.

“I wanted to bring you here this morning, when dad Proper nouns need to be capitalized. bought it, but someone had to be stubborn.” His full lips pulled up into a mocking grin, making butterflies flutter around in my stomach.

“Can I play?” I asked. He didn’t say anything, just simply pulled me over to the bench.

I glanced at him, eager to sneak another look into his blue eyes, but they were closed. Seeing him so peaceful calmed my nerves from sneaking out. For a moment. I sat there, my eyes taking in every ounce of his features. His fly away blond hair, strong jaw line, and his toned shoulders. Suddenly, his eyes flew open, as if asking why I wasn’t playing.

“Play.” He whispered, his breath caressing my face.

I forced my eyes off of him, then took a deep breath. My fingers started gently playing the notes of Moonlight Sonata as if I had played this song a thousand times.

Emma. Get home right now. One part of my inner voice commanded. Play, girl, play! The other part said. I pictured two little angels, one on each of my shoulders.

You know you shouldn’t be here.

Your This should be "you're" in love! Live your life, Emma.

Go home!

Stay.


“What’s wrong?” Logan asked, pulling me into his arms.

“Um-nothing Instead of a dash, this should be an ellipsis (...). I was thinking of something.” I gently pulled away. We shouldn’t be here.

“Well, you started playing really loudly, like you were at a rock concert,” he laughed.

“Sorry.” I got up, finally agreeing with my conscience.

“Were This should be "where" are you going?” He asked, grabbing my hand.

“Take me home, please. I really enjoyed playing, but Logan- I need you to think. Couldn’t this have waited until tomorrow? My dad wouldn’t have cared that you brought me here. But he would care that you brought me here at midnight.” I saw his mouth open to argue, but I put my hand up. “I’m not finished. You know that I don’t like to disobey my parents. And you also know that I love being with you. So, please, don’t make this so difficult on me.” Why doesn’t he think? This should be a new paragraph because it's a new speaker.“I’m sorry, Emma. I thought you would think it was fun.” His forehead was creased in either frustration, or confusion,Period I don’t know.

“No, Logan. I do not think sneaking out is fun.” I pushed pass him, and started walking towards his car.

“Okay, fine then. I won’t try to get you to do anything fun.” He was right behind me. I could feel his eyes on my back.

“That’s not it!” I turned around with a incredulous look on my face. “I want to have fun, Logan. The problem is, is that you don’t know how to tell right from wrong.”

“So I am a problem?” He asked, clenching his keys in his hands.

“Can you please unlock the car?” I asked. We both stood on opposite sides of the car. Just a comment, but repeating the word "car" here sounds a bit weird. Probably because of the closeness.

“Not until you tell me whether or not I’m the problem.” Anger flew through me at his words, and I kicked his tire. I wish I could kick him.

“Okay, fine! You know what, Logan? You are the problem. We wouldn’t get into these fights if you wouldn’t try to get me to disobey my parents all the time!”

“No, we wouldn’t fight if you would just relax a little. Your so stuck up sometimes period

“What? I am not!” He was pushing me to my limits. My face was hot from anger, and so was his.

“Yes, you are. Your This should be "you're" because that "your" is possesive. always telling me what to do to.”

“Well, maybe we just shouldn’t be together then.” No! What did you just say, Emma? I take it back! You love him! He didn’t say anything, just stood there. Words were screaming in my head, but I couldn’t say them. Again, one part of me wanted to leave him, the other didn’t. Just a comment here. Don't you usually use italics when it's her thoughts talking? Why didn't you use them here?

“If that’s what you want.”


Overall, this isn't bad. You need to brush up on your word usage (your vs. you're). Also, the last line is good, but maybe it could be improved if you added how he said it. An example is "he said coldly". It would tell the reader how he's feeling. Plus, if someone got really into this, they would react to the way he says it. Fun fact: when interpreting what one is saying 7% is verbal (what they say), 55% is body language, and 38% is tone (how they say it).
PM me if you have any questions. :)
"All I want is to be loved."

This quote isn't from a romance novel or a couple breaking up. It isn't about a girl desperately wanting to find love or a promiscuous boy finally breaking down. No, this is from a much sadder story. It's an eighteen year-old boy crying about his mother.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3888
Reviews 41
Aww, this made me sad :( It's a cute story, and I didn't really expect the fight, but then, I guess thats why I liked it lol. They pretty much caught all of your errors, keep writing more, this is a good story!
I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. - Conan O'Brien



Gravity was a mistake.
— Till Nowak