Between the Chimneys: Script for Class, please review!

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I was supposed to write a short screenplay set in the industrial revolution. Here goes...

Between the Chimneys:

The stage opens to London in 1850; a backdrop of greys, browns and blues helps to depict the mood, while the actors stand frozen in position.
Baker’s shop; a man behind a counter, and a woman in the shop. The woman is dressed in faded wool and wears a torn shawl. Her hair is messy and falling out of a bun atop her head.

Narrator: It was just as any other winter day in 19th century London, with mud in the streets and smoke in the air from the towering factories that took in hungry people and churned out cloth and other products. Rebecca Jameson was at the Baker’s shop….
Lights shift to focus on Rebecca and the Baker.
Baker (standing at back stage left behind counter, holding paper package) : I know, miss. I wish I could lower the price a bit. But the owner of the shop will send me packing if I did, miss.
Rebecca(angrily): But my children are hungry. It’s cold, and I don’t have another penny in my hands. I can’t send them to work at that factory! Where infants lose limbs and their lives.

Baker (reluctantly puts another roll in the package, sighs, frustrated) : I’ll be generous this once. But don’t go telling people. I can’t do this for everyone.

Rebecca (hands Baker coins, takes the package and quickly makes way towards street) Thankyou so, and Good Day.
Lights fade out as Rebecca walks offstage to the left.
…………….
Lights open focused on a well-dressed young boy sitting in a plush armchair. There is an oriental rug on the floor before him, and a woman servant stands at attention.
Narrator: Across town from Rebecca’s home and the Bakery, lives the wealthy factory owner, Sir Henry, and his family in a brick mansion over the Thames. His son Thomas sits speaking to their servant woman, Jimena.
Jimena (gently): Master Thomas, your father would like to see you.
Thomas (restless): Tell him I don’t want to see him. (crosses his arms, closes a book he was reading)
Jimena (concerned): Thomas, what shall I say to him? He wishes to see you, Master.
Thomas (annoyed): I don’t care what you say to him. Don’t say anything at all if you care.
Jimena (guardedly reproachful): Master Thomas, your father ordered you to see him. Now go!
Thomas (outraged, jumps to his feet): You are mad! You do not order me about! I will tell my father to send you away. I don’t know what he was thinking. You are a Jew at that. I don’t know why he ever hired you!

Jimena (turns away, takes off apron, sadly): You are right, Thomas. I am a Jew, and Christians in London do not like my people. But we all believe in one God. Tell me now, Thomas, if we believe in the same God, what is so different?
Thomas (slowly, unsure): I don’t know. But I’ve always been told that Jews like you are not to be trusted. Thieves, liars, sinners. What ever inspired my father to employ a Jew?
Sir Henry (enters room, standing slightly aloof): Jimena, what is amiss?
Jimena (fearfully): Oh, Sir, nothing sir. Pardon my error, please, Sir.
Thomas (unsure, turning to face his father): Father, what is the difference between Jews and Christians? Why did you hire Jimena if she is a Jew and wears the Star of David around her neck?

Sir Henry (slowly, gently, turns to Jimena): Miss, whatever my son has told you is not so. You will have your place in my house as long as I see fit. And all I see in you is a hardworking, trustworthy woman. You may take the rest of the day off, as it is already late.
Jimena (grateful): Thankyou, sir! I shall go home now, thankyou!
Jimena exits stage, back right.
Sir Henry: I employ Jimena because she is a hard worker and a loyal woman. Her family is poor, and her parents worked for my father just as she works for me. Many people have treated her family badly, but I feel that she is but another person, a Jew or not a Jew, she has worked harder than many Christians I have met.

Lights fade out quickly, set changes
Narrator: But not all men were so kind to their employees as Sir Henry. Rebecca Jameson rented her home from a landlord who was not so lenient.

Lights fade in to show a shack with four people standing in it, including Rebecca Jameson.
Narrator: This is the Jameson home, in the slums, which costs a pound a month, payed by Bertram and Rebecca, who worked all but Sundays to keep their children, Jenny and Samuel fed, and out of the factories and mines.

Rebecca ( to youngest child sitting at table): Jenny, how have you been today?
Jenny (hugging her mother tightly): Doing the wash for Ms. Willow was cold. Now I’m wet through.
Rebecca: Wrap yourself in that spare quilt.
Bertram: Your mother and I would like to make an announcement. We’re moving. We’re going to..
Rebecca, (smiling): We’re going to America, children! Bertram and I have been saving money for tickets for almost a year now. We decided just yesterday that we would tell you.
Jenny: Where will we live?
Rebecca: We plan to move South there, where there are cotton fields as far as you can see, and fresh air and trees. Your aunt has written us from a place there called Georgia, and she says there is land and food and warm air.
Samuel: Really? There’s trees there?
Bertram: That’s what your aunt and uncle there have told us in their letters. We’re leaving in two weeks.
Bertram and Rebecca hug each other.
Rebecca: Just think, America, it will be warm, with food, and land we can farm ourselves. Just wait and see, it will be wonderful.
Lights fade out and set is in darkness.
Narrator: The Jamesons set out for America where they would find a new life, leaving behind the smoke and mud of England. Years into the future, they would farm the land while Jemina and others like her would work in the homes and factories of the great city of London.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 11393
Reviews 113
Hello.

I thought this was a good, well told piece, and I didn't see an grammatical errors. The only thing I found, was that when Rebbecca talks to her children about moving to America, it seems a bit too sudden. Also, her mood isn't consistent, if she is so tight for money, how does she have the money to go to America? I assume that she would be happy all day, due to this, but she cannot fork out an extra penny for some bread?
That was the only confusing bit. Apart from that, it was really good, and I liked it.

Good job. I think I'll star it. :D

~Mo.
Mo. was here. :) mwahahaha




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 11393
Reviews 113
Hello.

I thought this was a good, well told piece, and I didn't see an grammatical errors. The only thing I found, was that when Rebbecca talks to her children about moving to America, it seems a bit too sudden. Also, her mood isn't consistent, if she is so tight for money, how does she have the money to go to America? I assume that she would be happy all day, due to this, but she cannot fork out an extra penny for some bread?
That was the only confusing bit. Apart from that, it was really good, and I liked it.

Good job. I think I'll star it. :D

~Mo.
Mo. was here. :) mwahahaha



"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore