After Words: Chpt 1 (Ania) part 1

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"Get off me!" I screamed, trying to wriggle out of the iron grasp of Jim. He just laughed.

Four strong hands grabbed my legs and pushed me backwards, over the railing. I felt their sweaty hands on my ankles, saw the group of guys below me distracted by big chested girls in skimpy outfits. Disgusting. And then I didnt feel anything holding on to me, only the air catching my breath away as I fell. Suddenly, instead of looking at the ground rushing towards me, I was looking up. Up into Sam's yellow-green eyes. And I looked deep into those eyes until pain swept over me with such force that I lost hold of myself.


I woke up to find myself laying in the middle of a wet road. I looked up to see rain pouring from an ink black sky. I slowly stood, confused by my surroundings. I was in the middle of a small city, people frozen in akward positions. They were all staring at me.


"Newcomer."

The word was whispered around me. Where was I? Why wasn't I at the mall? Then I remembered. Jim. Sam. Falling.


God.


I spun around, trying to see if I could recognize any part of this strange city, any of these people. I failed. I was in a strange place, with strange people. I should've had injuries, but I felt fine, and I had no idea how I got here.


Then he appeared.




(sam)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All I could remember where her eyes, staring up at me, and then I was standing next to her, looking into those bottomless brown eyes. "Ania?" I asked uncertaintly. I had seen her fall. How was she alright?

She was alright. I sighed in relief. She hadn't been hurt.

I looked up and saw she had a surrised look on her delicate face. She masked it by turning from me and running off into the staring crowd surrounding us.


I ran after her, desperate to see her.

(ania)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ania!" He was calling after me.

God! I thought How could he be here? And where was I?!

I kept on running, confussed and shocked faces surrounding me. I pushed on, block after block, his voice starting to fade behind me. I guess all those years of track and soccer would come in handy, after all.

Suddenly an old woman appeared in front of me. "Move!" I growled at her. She just grabbed my arm with unexpected stranght and dragged me into a small, dark building. And there was Sam, struggling in the grasp of an old man.

"Let go!" He grunted. "She's getting away! Let GO!"


He stopped when he saw me






Ok, that's it. Sorry for any confusion - I know I'm bad at keeping the same tense among other things. I'm working on it! This is just part of Chpt 1. It'll take a while to get through chpt 1, it's kinda long, and the perspective often changes. Please keep reviewing it, and I'll start on an edited draft. Thank you guys! :wink:
Is he dancing with a little boy in spandex?!

~Papa Doorbell




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Ooh! Just reviewed the intro and was wondering when you were going to post the first chapter. Then I look, and here it is! Woo! Haha.


Grammar:

I felt their sweaty hands on my ankles, saw the group of guys below me, distracted by big-chested girls in skimpy outfits. Disgusting. And then I didn't feel anything holding on to me, only the air catching my breath away as I fell. Suddenly, instead of looking at the ground rushing towards me, I was looking up. Up into Sam's yellow-green eyes. And I looked deep into those eyes until pain swept over me with such force that I lost hold of myself.
Question: It seems as if the boy telling Sam to get the phone was a bit of a "leader", if I may, of the group. Is that Jim? And if so, wouldn't she be staring at Jim? Or was it Sam's idea? I'm not sure if I necessarily want an explanation, I'm just saying. :wink:


I woke up to find myself laying in the middle of a wet road. I looked up [s]to see[/s]and saw rain pouring from an ink black sky. I slowly stood, confused by my surroundings. I was in the middle of a small city, people frozen in [s]akward[/s]awkward positions.


All I could remember where her eyes, staring up at me, and then I was standing next to her, looking into those bottomless, brown eyes. "Ania?" I asked uncertain[s]t[/s]ly.


I looked up and saw [s]she had[/s] a [s]surrised[/s]surprised look on her delicate face.


God! I thought. How could he be here? And where was I?!


I kept on running, confu[s]s[/s]sed and shocked faces surrounding me. I pushed on, block after block[s],[/s] as his voice [s]starting[/s] started to fade behind me.


Suddenly, an old woman appeared in front of me. "Move!" I growled at her. She just grabbed my arm with unexpected [s]stranght[/s]strength and dragged me into a small, dark building.


"Let go!" He grunted. "She's getting away! Let [s]GO[/s] go!"


He stopped when he saw me.



Language Usage: I thought it was pretty good. It got a little immature and repetitive at points, so make sure you re-read and re-phrase when necessary! Also, don't forget to spell check before posting! I'm pretty sure I got the spelling mistakes taken care of. :)
Watch those tenses! I advise you re-read carefully and edit it yourself, as well as post it here for others to edit. You're doing fine!


Plot & Continuity: The only question I had about continuity was posted in part of the "grammar" section. Also, I'm really confused as to what's going to happen next! I'm wondering where they are and why old people are strangling them [...?]. Haha. I suppose that could be a good thing, my wondering. Just make sure you don't forget to explain to the reader at some point!


Imagery & Emotion: I don't think you had enough of either. I'd really like to feel more emotion out of the characters- more of the confusion, more of the betrayal they should be feeling. After all, their "friends" basically murdered them. Shouldn't they be wondering why and feeling, well, to be repetitive- betrayed?


I'm really enjoying this, darling! As I've said, please notify me with each post!


Love,
Music
Click-ity click! Reviews here. :)
The Completely Evil Plan.

"You treat me badly; I love you madly."
Formerly known as music_lover_7311.




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Hey =]

I'm back to review this part for ya'

Nit-piks first;

"Get off me!" I screamed, trying to wriggle out of the iron grasp of Jim. He just laughed. - I'd maybe add in how Jim looked. You say that he laughed, but we have no idea how he laughed. Was it happily? Maliciously? Psychotically? An example; 'He just laughed. A malicious grin appearing on his thin lips.' Or 'He laughed Maliciously'

Where was I? Why wasn't I at the mall? Then I remembered. Jim. Sam. Falling.
God.
- As this is her thoughts, I'd put it into italics.

Suddenly an old woman appeared in front of me. - I'd add in some description here. What did she look like? Grey hair, glasses, wrinkles? Small snippets of description helps the reader to picture what is happening more clearly.

Overall;

This story is still intriguing me and I really want to find out what happens next. Are they dead or just dazed? And who are the old people lol

Can you PM me when you post the next part, please?

xDudettex
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This is extremly good!!!!!!!

I'm not even joking!!!

(Not that I would in the first place, but you get my point)

I really like this part
Newcomer."

The word was whispered around me. Where was I? Why wasn't I at the mall? Then I remembered. Jim. Sam. Falling.


God.


I spun around, trying to see if I could recognize any part of this strange city, any of these people. I failed. I was in a strange place, with strange people. I should've had injuries, but I felt fine, and I had no idea how I got here.


Then he appeared.


Like I said before, it's really good!!!!
Please pm me when more is up! =)
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I Really loved your story, it was great. The only thing that i would really change is more Description about your characters and maybe a little of what going on.
~BP_FCOH~




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Thank you guys SOSOSOSOSOSO much!!! I'm glad you guys like it - i'll try to post more parts, but you know how the last semester of school is. I'll try to find more time, but I usually only have time on the weekends. I'll try to get edited versions up, too. Thank you guys so much! <3 <3 loves!
Is he dancing with a little boy in spandex?!

~Papa Doorbell




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Music:

I just re-read your review and actuallt got it this time XD ignore that, but anyway, VERy good advice, although I'm afraid my spell checkey thingy has been acting weird and won't actually work. try to ignore the typoes - after all, this is just (one of) the very first draft(s)!!!

and as for the jim/sam thing, Jim is the 'leader', but it's Sam who she actually has....some...emotion towards....OK, it's really hard to keep the beginning confusing (cause it's sposed to be!) and not give everything away. Ok, fine....

SPOILER BELOW!!!!

sheactuallydoeslikesamandhefindsouthelikesherbutthenjattheyshowsupandmesseseverythingupandsamgoesslightlyinsane/depressed!!!

there, I gave stuff away.
Is he dancing with a little boy in spandex?!

~Papa Doorbell




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Hi Nutty!!

Just randomly found this, saw it was from you, and clicked! GO INTERNET!

ok:

I like this! Its very suspensful and I get the feeling that Sam is that nice character you love but is incredibly misunderstood and you will wind up standing up on the top of your bed screaming to Ania that hes the good guy and threatening to kill her if she doesn't see it soon....or is that just me? :|

*shrugs* Wouldn't be the first time, anyway, I saw a few spelling errors but I like JUST saw your comment below and I took my mouse away from the "quote" button :smt005

So again! Awesome job!!

Keep up the good work Nutty!

-Irish :elephant:
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I don't have much to say since everyone else said what it had to be changed and revised. All I will say is story wise it is good. Got to me as I started to read and made me confused in the good way when you want to find out more of what is going to come, and where are they now.
Keep writing and listening to the people that advised you so good ^^




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I loved this, and im REALLY curious. i see that you posted it in April are you going to continue it? Please do!




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I'm kinda confused. I don't really get the point.....:(
"Hello, is this thing on?"




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Ah, color me curious...simple and intriguing, I liked this piece. Keep writing!



Nouns can verb very well actually, they verb better than some verbs do.
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