A death that never dies

Feeling the pain of death that never dies.
Hearing the sounds of a million cries.
The truth hidden within your eyes.
under all the horrible lies.
Eating away your precious life.

Have you forgotten Christ?
Or is it that you think he is blind?
You can never hide your crime.

He sees everything.
How you try to fake a smile,
but truly you are miserable inside.

He sees your pain.
Even when you cry in the rain.
Don't hide behind your sins in shame.
It is never to late to change.

Except him as he has excepted you.
Your days will no longer feel like nights.
So let him guide you into the light.

He will lead you to the truth.
Just believe in him as he believes in you.

Happiness and love wait for you above.
Can't continue living without being forgiven.

Don't wait to long.
Before your chance is gone.
Is it worth your next life,
feeling the pain of a death that never dies?

Hello, kookie1993.

Just so you know, you're supposed to review at least two pieces for every poem or story you submit. Since you're new, it's no big deal that you didn't know that, but make sure that you go out and review a few things soon.

On to your poem:

It felt like preaching to me. Sorry.

Some religious poetry can be amazing. This one, frankly, isn't, because I don't feel any emotion in it. You're telling the reader to accept Christ, which is fine, but a poem is supposed to appeal to the reader's sense of beauty, and this one doesn't. You use a lot of cliche phrases: "the truth hidden within your eyes," "fake a smile," "cry in the rain." And your rhyming is weird and forced. "Blind" and "crime" don't rhyme. Neither do "rain," "shame" and "change." There's nothing wrong with half-rhymes and slant-rhymes, but these just didn't really work for me. Maybe you should try rewriting it with words that completely rhyme, or else with no rhymes at all.

Okay, line-by-line analysis below.

Feeling the pain of death that never dies.
Hearing the sounds of a million cries.
The truth hidden within your eyes.
under all the horrible lies. Under should be capitalized.
Eating away your precious life. Every single one of these is a fragment. Just because it's poetry doesn't mean that fragments are okay. They're just as annoying here as in regular prose. I think you should change them. Also, "life" doesn't rhyme.

Have you forgotten Christ?
Or is it that you think he is blind?
You can never hide your crime. This really turns me off to your poem. Just my opinion, but if you're trying to convince someone to accept Christ, this sounds pretty accusatory, and putting someone on the defensive right away is not the best persuasive technique.

He sees everything.
How you try to fake a smile,
but truly you are miserable inside. This is a fragment again, and it's not too original, either.

He sees your pain.
Even when you cry in the rain. This is another fragment.
Don't hide behind your sins in shame.
It is never to late to change. I think you mean too, not to.

Except him as he has excepted you. I think you mean "Accept him as he has accepted you."
Your days will no longer feel like nights.
So let him guide you into the light.

He will lead you to the truth.
Just believe in him as he believes in you.

Happiness and love wait for you above.
Can't continue living without being forgiven. Here's another forced rhyme.

Don't wait to long. This should be "Don't wait too long."
Before your chance is gone. Here's another fragment. Just cut the comma at the end of the last sentence.
Is it worth your next life,
feeling the pain of a death that never dies?

***

Okay, please don't take all of the above as a personal attack. I'm not saying that you shouldn't write a poem on this subject, but (as part of your target audience) I think that the heavy-handed, cliched preaching isn't going to work very well. I think it would work much better if you were more subtle and original about it. Focus on your language more and use more original turns of phrase - something to make the reader remember your poem - and instead of hammering in your point every chance you get, let the reader come to the conclusion that they should accept Christ, or whatever your particular message is, themselves. It's much, much more powerful that way.

I'd be interested in reading a revised version of this.

Good luck!

I pretty much agree with above commentor, in the end, people will not enjoy reading a poem that sounds like an acuustaion or attempted indoctrination by a radical. I think a better approach would be to talk about God's love and guiding hand, instead of shoving the idea down the audience;s throat. As far as the actual contents of the poem, I think it was decent. My impression of this, was that you just attempted to fit alot of cliched lines into a poem and cram in together with a rhyme scheme..my opinion.

Good Effort
Keep Writing!