preface : paradise gone wrong
Here I sit the blade poised above my wrist. The chill of the water does not affect my already numb skin. All I can think about is you. You with your charming smile, your easy going attitude to life, your honest personality. All but a pack of lies. How was I supposed to know your real selfish self hidden behind a curtain of lies? When all you showed was your acted performance. I really must applaud you for giving such a stunning performance. You must have been laughing at me all the time, all the time I blindly fell for your irresistible charm. ‘Did you really feel nothing for me?’ I had asked my voice barely audible. ‘After all the time you have spent with me, by my side everyday doing the things I had thought we had both loved together, you…you never cared?’ My voice dropped to a whisper. My gaze lowered in shame as the full impact of what had happened finally hit me. You had not only left me , you had used me like some play toy to use and when it has no use anymore you leave it in some remote corner and forget that you even had a toy like that. You have left me in the same way. A smirk appears on your perfectly carved face,’ I have never cared for you or your pathetic wishes and dreams you kept on ranting about. All that shit I said about about you being the best thing in my world and the love of my life was nothing but shit. Let’s face it honey you and I both knew the truth, we were both young looking for some fun. You wanted some excitement and so did I so what’s all this drama about, crying and coming to me, asking all this unnecessary questions?’ A pause fell between us, the tension mounting to the extreme. ‘Oh I see you are one of those, eh? Okay then,’ he reached inside his coat pocket and produced a bundle of cash. ‘Here you go,’ his voice floated ‘get the cash and get out of here,’ with a careless toss the bundle fell to the ground in front of my feet. ‘Do you think this is a joke?’ I shouted the anger flaming in my words. I tried to control myself but I couldn’t help it. I slapped you as hard as I could. The noise echoed eerily on the walls and haunted me in my mind. You looked up at me slowly, a trickle of blood showing at the side your lips. ‘Oh mama, I haven’t felt your hand for a long time,’ you smile at me with bloodshot eyes. ‘Shouldn’t you be happy darling, I gave you a little present,’ he says staring pointedly at my stomach. My hand unconsciously goes there only to feel a round bump. It slowly sinks in I am pregnant. Which explains why I had lately spent my dys vomiting in the bathroom? I slowly sink to my knees. ‘Guards, come and throw out this woman,’ he shouts the voice unexpectedly loud in the small space guarded by four walls. A few minutes later I am being hauled to my feet and being firmly led outside. You stand there, with that little smile playing about your lips. I will never forget. I can feel my body involuntarily shuddering. A soft moan escapes my lips. How could you do this to me? How will I raise the life growing inside? Why am I the mother? Why didn’t I know what you were in the first place? Why did I have to go through all this? Do I deserve it? All questions unanswered, racing through my mind. But I have no answer. Why do I even care? I slide the cold metal gently over my wrist. Is this what death feels like? Are these the things which goes through the mind of someone who is about to die? I have no answers. With my eyes fluttering close I imagine what paradise looks like. I imagine a gentle breeze swaying the leaves of the coconut tree. Colours of rainbow in the sky. The sun barely visible behind the shadows of the mountains. A strange music plays with a bittersweet tone. I see myself in vibrant colours embracing the water like a dear friend. With a few graceful strokes I find the sea bottom gradually dropping away. I am finally in paradise. As I go further out, I find that the colour of the sea has changed to a deep rusty red. The more I swim the darker it gets. As I lift up hand to shout for help a chill settles eerily in my stomach. A thin line blood emerging from my wrist runs its way down my hand and into the water. I open my mouth to scream but try as I may no sound can be heard. I am drowning in my own blood!! I panic and gasp for air for I feel as if something were pulling me down. Something splashes up beside me. It is you, it can’t be you? Why you? Your eyes are bloodshot; you look towards me grinning evilly. Why are you here? I ask to myself. Why are you the only one that appears in my beautiful paradise gone wrong? The sun is getting hotter, blazing on my body till I can take it no more. I let myself go, sinking through the depths of the water. Tiny bubbles on the surface of the water are the only remainder that a human life exists. You are not here anymore, the silence has been restored. My eyes remain open, even though I can feel my heartbeat eventually slowing down till I am no more. A lifeless body floating on the water surface.
If it was like this,