Breena (One)

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EDITED -Jayleigh

One
The rain fell down, tapping on the windows. Not just the rain, however, fell from the skies. The rain, so wet and heavy, caused the loose yellow leaves to fall from the oaks and maples. They cascaded down to the ground as if the sky was raining leaves, instead of precipitation. In an almost mesmerizing way, they seemed at peace as they slowly swayed back and forth, making their way to the dirt.
While watching the scenery outside, I missed what was going on around me. I missed the lecture the teacher droned about. I missed the notes being passed between classmates. I missed the texting girls tried to hide in their large bags. However, I didn’t miss the person who sat in front of me. Oh, no. He was way too tan, handsome, and mysterious to overlook.
“What are you doing after school?” The voice belonged to Warren, the new student that sat in front of me in Psychology. I wasn’t sure if his question was directed towards me, or my sister, Fawn. However, the familiar soft laugh that escaped Fawn’s lips answered that question before I even had the chance to glance up.
“I have to bring my little sister home.” Fawn gave me a look, a quick I-hate-you-glance.
Warren didn’t look at me. Not even a stolen peek out of the corner of his eye. “That’s too bad. I was hoping I could drive you home.”
Before I could think twice about my actions, words were slipping out of my mouth, quickly and slurred. “I have drama auditions after school. I’ll need the car anyway.”
Warren turned his head slightly, but still didn’t look at me. “What a coincidence.” His voice was hopeful but confident.
Once the teacher called class to order, Fawn turned back to me. “Listen to me, freak. Don’t listen in on my private conversations. You just screwed everything up.”
To be completely honest, I was never fluent in boy. I had no idea how I ended up messing things up between Fawn and Warren at that point. I pushed it aside and tried concentrating on what the teacher continuously droned on about.
*
“So you’re in the drama club, huh?” Once again, the voice belonged to Warren. He was standing against his locker that was conveniently above mine. The way he worded the question made me realize that it in fact wasn’t a question.
His eyes were searching my face, a broad smile flashed as I looked up at him. I didn’t feel nervous, however. His confidence must have been rubbing off. “Yes. Excuse me.”
He moved a small distance against another locker, but his leg still blocked my locker door from swinging open.
“That’s rather interesting.”
I shoved my book into my locker, annoyance growing, and grabbed another. “Why?” I asked as I stood.
“I’d picture your sister seeking the audience’s attention, but not you.” He smiled. “Let me guess, you are the stage manager.”
My face grew red. He was right about that. I could never conjure enough courage to audition for a part in the play. I was always on the crew. For a reason I could never fathom, I grew terribly angry towards the boy.
“Yes,” I said as sternly as I could. I slammed my locker closed and stormed off down the hallway.
*
I half-ran to the auditorium, eager to get away from Warren. Only then thinking of the come back, why the sudden interest in my extra curricular activities?
I put my things down behind the switch board; turning knobs and flipping switches to make the lights above the stage turn on. The room was completely empty, silent. I liked being alone in the auditorium when everything was so peaceful. It was somehow freeing.
The advisor walked in, heels pounding the linoleum walk way, a stack of papers in her hands. My heart suddenly tightened as my mellowness was wiped away. She placed them down on the table and took her seat facing the stage. She was ready for auditions.
The advisor was a middle aged woman. Her face was only hinting at wrinkles and only one visible long white hair that was tied in a bun, along with the rest of her auburn colored hair, on the back of her head. Lucky for her, she chose a profession where she hid in the dark while her puppets where on stage.
“Fayette,” she said to me, “there are several returning cast members and only a few new comers. Two new names were added to the list this afternoon. A Warren Dain will be joining our cast this year.”
My heart sank. So that was why he was so interested.
“What is the other name? You said there were two.”
She blinked at me. “You don’t know? Your sister added her name along with Warren this afternoon. Do you two ever speak?”
I shrugged. “It must have been a sudden decision.”
I stared straight forward at the barren stage. Just that afternoon Fawn called me a freak, why would she want to join the drama club? Must be all Warren’s doing to get on my nerves. He was getting really good at it.
As the time grew near, students began filing into the auditorium. I knew all the faces of the new comers. I had seen them around school and they had made it known that they’d be joining the club. A small girl, her name long forgotten, had come up to me during lunch and asked when the first meeting was. Once I told her, I watched her walk back to her table and all the girls relished over the news.
Suddenly, Marcia, the advisor, stood at my side. She walked down the isle of the house towards the orchestra pit where the cast members had congregated. They all fell silent as she began her welcome speech.
She had only gotten a few words out before the door opened, Warren and Fawn stepping over the threshold.
“Hope we aren’t late,” she said.
Marcia waved them down to join the rest of the people, neither of them seeing me as they walked past.
I tuned out Marcia’s speech and most of the auditions. When Marcia called out Warren’s name, I shifted uneasily in my seat. Having him on my cast could turn out unbearable.
As if by second nature, Warren stood center stage, looking not at the audience but just above. His lips parted as the sound of a piano and violins gracefully filled the auditorium. He began to sing Music of the Night from the play to be performed. He strutted around the stage as he sang to the audience.
My eyes bugged out. Who knew he could be so talented. I had never heard anything like it before in my life. It wasn’t the way pop stars sing. Andrew Lloyd Weber’s version couldn’t even compare. It was just beautiful and calming.
My jaw dropped as he ended in a soft pitch. The students sitting in the first few rows began clapping and cheering him. Even Marcia started clapping, a wide smile on her face. I just sat, transfixed.
I jumped about a mile when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I didn’t turn to see who it was. The strong scent of her designer perfume gave away who it was.
“What do you want?” I asked sharply. My eyes were still glued to Warren as he bowed his way off the stage.
“I need your help.”
I turned to her. Her brow was creased with worry. “With?” I pushed.
She leaned down to whisper in my ear. Her soft brown curls fell in my face. “I need you to sing for me.”
“Excuse me?”
She rolled her eyes. “You and I both know you are way better at singing than me. And I can not embarrass myself, especially in front of Warren.” She paused for a moment, then continued. “I don’t want the part. I just want to look impressive. Okay? So you don’t have to worry about casting me. It will be just like at home, when we use to put on our own plays.” She blinked a few times, no doubt trying to bat her eyelashes. I have to hand it to her, she could be pretty persuasive.
“Look,” I said as stern as I could. “If I do this, you have to stop calling me a freak in school. Got it?”
She smiled and squealed in my ear as she wrapped her arms around my neck. “Thank you! Thank you!”
Without Marcia’s notice, I turned on microphone one and turned off the stage microphone on the switch board. That way, Fawn will be lip syncing to my song.
I walked back stage next to Fawn and we decided on a song from the play. Luckily, she has been so obsessed with the movie when it came out; she knew enough of the words to sing along.
I stepped behind the curtain, out of sight of the audience. The soft music started. I sighed as Fawn looked back at me and winked. I turned the microphone on and brought it to my lips.
I closed my eyes, pretending I was the one on center stage, not Fawn. But I could not. Seeing the faces of the audience as they are repulsed by my voice, I couldn’t bear it. I never took lessons, so I knew that I was off key a little, but I was good at mimicking sounds.
I let the air flow through my lungs as I sang. I pretended I was on stage, singing to the Phantom, actually being Christine.
As I came to a quiet end, the audience began to clap. And clap. And clap. Fawn bowed a few times, but received a standing ovation.
“Again!” they cried. “More, more!”
But of course, Marcia walked down the isle and they suddenly became hush. “Fawn, darling. Please come down here.”
Warren stood and reached a hand to Fawn and she took it as she jumped down off the stage.
I quickly turned, my face flush. I switched the microphone off and ran down to the orchestra pit to stand by Marcia’s side.
“We will be posting parts in the lobby this afternoon. You may see them tomorrow when you arrive to school. Each of you has your script. Once you know your part, I want you to start memorizing lines and songs.” She paused to clear her throat.
I spoke up then. “I will be handing out CDs to anyone who is playing a part with a song. That way you can learn the way it is supposed to sound. We will have private rehearsals for each person who is going to be singing so you can learn your part well. You all did very well today. I am shocked at the outcome. It will be a great show.”
A few of the students smiled and started talking to their friends. I walked back up to the switch board to grab my things. I didn’t hear anyone follow me, but as I was about to leave, Warren softly grabbed my arm.
I turned to him. He had a wide smile on his face. “Why did you do that?”
“Do what?” I asked, the annoyance clear in my voice.
His smile faded. “You just let Fawn cheat.”
I shrugged. “She didn’t really want the part. What does it matter to you?”
He shrugged, mocking my tone. “I guess I picked the wrong twin, didn’t I?”

(AUTHORS NOTE: This part is being debated. It may come out and be used later in the story)
Last edited by jayleighsmith on Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:05 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities."-Damen




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Hey, I'm just going to jump right into the review!

“What are you doing after school?”


Not the best beginning. It didn't really draw me into the story.

To be completely honest, I was never fluent in boy.


Haha, I loved this line. I'm not fluent in boy either. :smt005

“So you are in the drama club?”


Would sound better as: "So are you in the drama club?"

I wasn’t nervous by his eyes that were searching my face.


This sentence doesn't really make sense to me. Do you mean that she wasn't nervous, even if his eyes were searching her face?
I shoved my book, annoyance growing, and grabbed another.


I shoved my book into my locker, annoyance growing, and grabbed another.

“Yes,” I said as stern as I could.


"Yes," I said as sternly as I could.

Only then thinking of the come back, why the sudden interest in my extra curricular activities?


Ohhh, I so hate that! I always think of comebacks when it's too late! :mrgreen:

He shrugged, mocking my tone. “I guess I picked the wrong twin, didn’t I?”


Haha, cute!

The only question I have is: Is this a short story or is it the beginning of something longer?

Dialogue is your strongest point. Also, lines like Fawn gave me a look, a quick I-hate-you-glance make your story funny and easy to relate to (I've gotten the I-hate-you-glance multiple times). You just need to work on a better hook. Oh, I almost forgot! What do your characters look like?! I didn't see a lot of description.

Other than that, good job and I hope I helped.

Sasha.
You told me not to break down. It's the only promise I plan on keeping.




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Hi Jayleigh,
I'll be reviewing you for today.

“What are you doing after school?” The voice belonged to Warren, the new student that sat in front of me in history. I wasn’t sure if his question was directed towards me, or my sister. However, the familiar soft laugh that escaped Fawn’s lips answered that question before I even had the chance to glance up.

I think you should put, "-or my sister, Fawn."
Since when Fawn started speaking I was like, wait who's that?

His voice was hopeful but confident.

I think you need to take one out, either hopeful or confident.

“Yes,” I said as stern as I could. I slammed my locker closed and stormed off down the hallway.

I don't understand why she'd be so angry just because he guessed right.
Maybe you should expand on that.

She blinked at me. “You don’t know? Your sister added her name along with Warren this afternoon. Do you two ever speak?”

I have no idea why but that just surprised me, I was thinking some other random person
was going to show up.
I let the air flow through my lungs as I sang. I pretending I was on stage, singing to the Phantom, pretending to actually be Christine.

She already mentioned she was pretending, try not to repeat things too often.

He shrugged, mocking my tone. “I guess I picked the wrong twin, didn’t I?”

Bahahaa! indeed he did!

***
Overall, this was interesting!
I like the setting and I like the characters. I thought it was funny how Warren didn't
even notice Fayette in the beginning.
I also enjoyed your writing style, it let Fayette's character leak through
without too much thinking. I can't explain it very well-but I liked it.
Keep up the good work!

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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hey, i liked the story and im really looking forward to more. i like your characters though you should make it clear about warren's actions. in some places i felt that you rushed the story not taking time to describe whats going on but it was still okay. in the next chapter you can follow up on these points. overall it was nice... but you can do better
any questions pm me
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Cool. I really liked this - especially the twin bit (just thought I'd mention I'm a twin). I think you should make it a bit more obvious that Warren and Fawn are together (I'm not quite sure). Apart from little bits it was pretty good.
Whats the MC's name? (Am I stupid for asking? Did I miss a line because I don't recall learning her name?). :smt119

PM me when you write more, I would love to read more :D

~Mo. :D
Mo. was here. :) mwahahaha




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Hey there! Sorry I'm a little late on this - I see you've already edited it but I'll go over and see if I can add anything.

“What are you doing after school?” The voice belonged to Warren, the new student that sat in front of me in history.

This is no biggie, but it might be better if you said "who sat in front of me".

The way he worded the question made me realize that it in fact wasn’t a question

This is a little awkwardly worded. Maybe you could say, "The way he spoke made me realise that it wasn't a question."
Ok, so that might not be the best example but you get what I mean?

For a reason I could never fathom,

"could never" seems to mean that she has tried for a long time, that it's in the past or something. Just say "couldn't"

heels pounding the linoleum walk way

Heels don't pound. They clack, click, tap or something along those lines.

Once I told her, I watched her walk back to her table and all the girls relished over the news.


Again, kind of awkwardly worded. Maybe you could say "and saw all her friends relish over the news". Just makes more sense.

So, my advice to you would be go through your piece, read it all out loud and really finecomb it.
You have a really good piece of work, it just needs some tiny tweaks and edits. But, I really enjoyed it!
Feel free to PM me when the next chapter arrives, I'd love to read it!
~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

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Hi Jayleigh! I'm a little rusty so I apologize in advance.

“What are you doing after school?”
The only problem with this that I have is that it doesn't grab my attention right away. You could write a scene to put before this and keep this in, if you wanted. Maybe try describing how well she and her sister didn't get along? Something like "Fawn and I never got along. At least not now. We did when we were younger. But now? Forget it." Maybe?

the new student that sat in front of me in history.
This doesn't flow all that well. Try what Aqua suggested?

To be completely honest, I was never fluent in boy.
Good line. :)

“Let me guess, you are the stage manager.”
I would change "you are" to "you're" so it flows better.

I could never conjure enough courage to audition for a part in the play. I was always on the crew. For a reason I could never fathom, I grew terribly angry towards the boy.
Watch the bolded words. Having two words like that in a paragraph usually isn't a good idea. I think it may be a good idea here but just be careful in the future.

As someone else said, try describing things more. Other than that and one of the "sterns" you have in there that needs to have an "ly" added (I can't find where, otherwise I'd point it out to you), it's good. I'm interested to see how the story plays out. :)

I don't have time to review the other two parts (mandatory TV with my Mom and a book to finish) but I'll get to the other two by the end of Friday.

Happy writing and feel free to PM me for anything. :D

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i justed wanted to say I'm impressed with your idea, it's the first time I've read a romance story and have no clue how it's going to end. I really enjoy your writng and I'm looking forward to see what other pieces you've written




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Hey Jayliegh!
I can't do a full-on review but I can give you some tips and well, stuff.
Okay, amazing job on the introduction!
It sounds much better than it did before.
I noticed you tweaked a few things here and there, which is good.
I didn't exactly spot anything else. . .
Oh and for the ending, (in my opinion) I think you should use it for later.
That is if I'm thinking what you might be thinking. =]
But I might be wrong.


~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
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I really enjoyed this piece. There was a little cheesy-ness and a little cliche but still awesome. In my opinion all good stories have a little cheese and cliched material. The theater aspect of it was great and it may have been my obsession with the phantom of the opera that drew me to this story. I adore the theater and I adore musicals even more. So hearing about a musical in a great piece of writing makes it even better. :) It was well written and I can already see a great deal of depth to the characters. Things were explained subtly with out being totally obvious and it left me wondering and wanting more. great job! I cant wait to keep reading.
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Jayleigh -

Hello, I wanted to say first off that I was immediately hooked from paragraph one! You placed in vivid descriptions of the scenery and atmosphere. (I kinda felt I was in there, too) :D

I don't remember where, but when you used the word mellowness, I immediately thought of marshmallows. Hey, I should go eat some...hehe.

Okay, you probably do know or don't that when you mentioned The Phantom of the Opera, I freaked! I seriously saw that movie but haven't read the book, yet. My mom is the biggest fan of the phantom (Gerald Butler) and the film. So, I thought that was kind of cool you had that play in here. (have you seen the film and/or play?)

The other thing is, is the title Breena going to be explained through out your novel? I'm just curious... :smt003 Well, that's it for now.

Farewell!

Mary Ellen

P.S. I like marshmallows...
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