Conforming

OK, so I'm getting a bit fed up with people taking the mick of me because I use YWS, so I wrote this poem about conforming. It's pretty accurate until the start of the fifth stanza - I don't have Facebook, Bebo, layered hair or pierced ears. I DIDN'T conform, and I'm not planning to, so don't any of you!



In the beginning,
When we started here,
I wasn’t like you,
I was nowhere near.

I did my thing,
And you did yours,
I liked to write,
You liked to draw.

Then I joined a website,
My problems began,
You laughed at me,
I turned and ran.

I tried to ignore it,
To tune you out,
But it started to hurt,
The things that you’d shout.

I did my own thing,
It got me here,
I was just myself,
You reduced me to tears.

So now I’m like you,
With plain layered hair,
Studs in my ears,
Wishing I was there.

Back where I was,
On my choice of site,
Not Facebook or Bebo,
But a place that felt right.

Its too late to go back,
I’m stuck indefinitely,
Thinking about how,
I used to be me.



I hope you like it! (I also hope it belongs in Narrative Poetry!)

Please crit!

Mia x

EDITED SO OUR AMERICAN FRIENDS CAN UNDERSTAND

[quote="


Then I joined a website,
My problems began,
You took the mickey, 1
I turned and ran.

I tried to ignore it,
To tune you out,
But it started to hurt,
The things that you’d shout.

I did my own thing, 2
It got me here,
I was just myself,
You reduced me to tears. 3

So now I’m like you,
With plain layered hair,
Studs in my ears,
Wishing I was there.

Back where I was,
On my choice of site,
Not Facebook or Bebo,
But a place that felt right.

Its too late to go back,
I’m stuck indefinitely,
Thinking about how,
I used to be me. 4


Mia x[/quote]

1 so this is very trivial, but I have no idea what a mickey is. Maybe it's a dialect thing, but maybe you could define "mickey" for those of us who are unfamilair with it.

2 using the word "things" too much is a little redundant. try utilizing a synonym when you need to repeat a concept but so frequently....see, I used "use" and "utilize"...for example.

3 again, a miniscule detail taht's really a personal preference, but I think this line would flow much better if you included an interjection or transition word at the beginning.

4 I'm a little lost with the rhyming pattern. The way you rhymed in the former stanzas was very delicate and pleasing. I wish I could accomplish this as well as you!


It's all in all, a very good poem. The things I found were really a stretch of nit-picking, at best. No careless errors to be found! I'll give you a star...

One more little thing: you use way too many commas. It's okay in poetry to have a few lines (or several and more) that don't have punctuation.


Great poem! Keep up the good work.

Cheers,

-Voxina

Hey, Mia.

I think it's great that you turned your conflict into a poem. It's always nice to see people creating something out of certain emotions, instead of just wallowing in self-pity. However, your emotions haven't been transferred to this poem well enough. There's very little that readers can get out of this, because at the moment you've just used words to describe your feelings, whereas I think you should be trying to get the feelings onto the paper instead of the words. At the moment, this is just a nice little poem about something that's apparently a touching subject to you, but it comes out as quite high maintenance instead of a moving story that people can relate to.

As for the technical part, some of your rhymes don't work very well. You'll notice these places yourself when you give it time and read the poem again and again. The reason why I'm not pointing them out to you is that I want you to learn to see them yourself.

So now I’m like you,
With plain layered hair,
Studs in my ears,
Wishing I was there.

This was the most confusing stanza for me. The first time I read this, I didn't really see how this had anything to do with anything. I think you should make the "conformism" clearer here, because I didn't get it at first, and not too much even now.

All in all, with a little bit of editing, I'm sure it will be a cute poem. The problem with this kind of poetry is that it's difficult to make it deep and get people think, which my favourite kind of poetry always does for me. Keep writing all the same!


Demeter
x

A creative way to vent out your frustration.

So now I’m like you,
With plain layered hair,
Studs in my ears,
Wishing I was there.

Back where I was,
On my choice of site,
Not Facebook or Bebo,
But a place that felt right.

The only problem understanding these two stanzas one after the other is that the narrator first says she returns to her friends old ways and than back to the site.The time when the narrator's shifting from her old self should come out more specifically.

Its too late to go back,
I’m stuck indefinitely,
Thinking about how,
I used to be me.

The last line says "I used to be me" though what you have conveyed is that towards the end the narrator is stuck with the site.Has staying with the site made the narrator different from who she used to be?At the beginning you did mention that the narrator liked writing ,so, she would still be herself despite the site.

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This poem is excellent.However the reader would feel much better if you edited it to remove the narrator's self pity.