Hey, its IR here to review this story. I hope you find it helpful.
I think the present tense is a blessing and a curse. It is very original and separates this story from everything else but it also works as a stumbling block to readers. Maybe its just because I've only ever really read past tense, but it just reads awkwardly. And it's not the writing either, its just different.
I did like the story though. It was cool and full of twists. One thing i felt was that it was pretty rushed. I felt like i was in Jesse's head, but i couldn't see and smell anything she did, only hear her thoughts. Maybe that is part of your style but maybe you should slow it down and add more description to add depth to it.
