Black

I'm currently working on a collection of love stories, each inspired by a certain color . I wrote "Black" first, and I scrapped the idea of the whole thing from a short work of prose I wrote long ago . "Yellow" will soon be finished as well ^_^. It's been a long, long time since I last wrote a short story, so this one is bound to be flawed. Please do review ^_^.

---

"Black"

I stood alone beneath the white tree, the feeling in my chest as nervous as its branches in the wind. I fixed my eyes on the undulating snow far into the distance. Every second, I wished to see a tall figure make its way towards me. Each idle moment was torment to my hopes. My circumstances were always the same in the past: waiting for a lover to fulfill his promises, and brimming with expectations that eventually die as the forests do when winter seeps into the ground. But I had to believe that this time my prayers did not fail. I had not trusted blindly to fate the whole of my heart. Indeed, I was immensely foolish and obstinate back then. But I was also in love.

And truly, with my very soul, I believed he also loved me. His moments of coldness were merely occasions of reserve. His indifference was carefully hidden affection. I repeated these things over and over in mind, until I had accomplished utterly deceiving myself. Perhaps I was the only woman ever able to achieve such self-delusion. O, the things that love makes us believe! It is like a blindfold that obscures all from sight except what we wish to see.

But I shall now return to that black day, when I waited impatiently for him by the oak. Snow poured ceaselessly from the sky onto our dreary village. The icy wind stiffened my limbs and turned my skin blue. Where was he? I heard the bell ring, signalling the time for the market to close. It suddenly occurred to me, what if he didn’t mean to come? The idea seemed to make the chill stronger. I had to shake my head and reassure myself, “No. He is not so heartless as to lure me out here in the cold like this, with no intention at all of really meeting with me.”

Very soon, the shadows lengthened, and the night overtook the light of day. I was thankful to have brought a lamp with me. I kept it close to my nearly frozen hands. The bitterness of it all weighed like a boulder on my feeble spirits. Why? Why has he lied to me? Had he not loved me? Had he not expressed his desire to marry me? A profound pain rushed through me, draining the strength of my body and of my pitiful hopes. I spun around the tree and scanned every direction with what poor light I had, but saw nothing. No one. I leaned against the tree, weak with disappointment. To my surprise, I felt a hollow portion in the trunk, and there I found a hole. A piece of paper was shoved inside.

My heart quickened. I took the paper out and saw my name written on it. In his hand writing. Shakily, I unfolded the letter and read:

“Rose,

Today, I leave for the capital to answer my calling to join the army. You know it has always been my dream to follow in my father’s footsteps. Soon, I hope to sail towards France, to embrace my fate, be it death or honour.

Do not wait for me to come back. Do not continue to dream of us being together.

Forgive me, Rose. I tried with all of my heart and soul, but I simply could not love you.

William”

I refolded the letter and put it back in the hole, the parchment stained with the tears of all that had broken in me. I then marched silently into the night, and welcomed the empty darkness.

aaaawww T_T heartfelt! it was beautiful! can't wait to read "Yellow"! i suppose that will be a much happier scene? i feel so0o0o sorry for Rose! i feel her pain! Perfect portrayal of men! lol!

Hey, BlueShift-nametwin! ^_^ I see you've already done 3 reviews, so I figured I'd stop by and give this piece of yours its own review! ^_^

I. Little Things

I stood alone beneath the white tree, the feeling in my chest as nervous as its branches in the wind.

A few suggestions for this opening sentence. I really like the comparison that you've added, but I think that you might want to make it a bit more eloquent and use a motion-adjective rather than 'nervous'. Perhaps your chest was shaking, shivering, something like that, or your body was {which would make sense with the temperature as well}. Just try to clean it up a bit. The second thought I had was to decide whether the white tree is special and specific enough to say 'the' white tree, and if it is, perhaps describe it just a little more to make that clear and not so ambiguous. ^_^

I fixed my eyes on the undulating snow far into the distance.

Using the word 'undulating' makes it seem like you just dipped into a thesaurus for a fancy word. =] You don't need to! You weave this scene carefully and beautifully, so you don't need to add in any extras. Just describe the snow as falling or something like that. Then, was the snow far in the distance, or did the character fix her eyes there? By putting 'far into the distance' at the end, it is unclear, so try to fix that. ^_^

Every second, I wished to see a tall figure make its way towards me.

'A tall figure' is a phrase that seems so impersonal. Surely the character knows exactly which tall figure she wants to see, so let her describe it a bit -- something she knows and loves about his appearance.

My circumstances were always the same in the past: waiting for a lover to fulfill his promises, and brimming with expectations that eventually die as the forests do when winter seeps into the ground.

Wait, so she has done this many times before? That adds an air of unimportance to the whole piece, because now it is not the single example of when her heart breaks, but only another in a long line of disappointments.

I had not trusted blindly to fate the whole of my heart.

The inversion in this sentence makes it pretty confusing to the reader {or at least to me}. To make it flow better, you could write it this way:

I had not blindly trusted the whole of my heart to fate.

That way, it still keeps all the intense words you used, but it makes it a lot easier to read. ^_^

It is like a blindfold that obscures all from sight except what we wish to see.

I think you could definitely make this into a metaphor. You have to, however, specify what 'it' you're talking about, because the preceding sentence doesn't make it clear. Say 'Love is the blindfold that...'. =] I think that would make it more powerful! =D

But I shall now return to that black day, when I waited impatiently for him by the oak. Snow poured ceaselessly from the sky onto our dreary village.

Sticking in the whole awkward announcement thing ruins the beautiful flow you had constructed. Why not start this paragraph like this?:

While I waited for him by the oak, snow poured from the sky onto our dreary village.

I will take this time to clue you into a little secret as well. -looks around to make sure no one is listening- Adverbs are EVIL! We like to use them because we think they add new dimensions to our writing, when really we should not be relying on fluffy words to make our writing excellent. Without the adverbs in that sentence, you still have a beautiful description. The verb you used was especially powerful, which is fantastic, so that you don't even need to fix it other than take out the adverbs. Try going through this piece to pick out other unnecessary adverbs and adjectives! =D

The icy wind stiffened my limbs and turned my skin blue.

The description of the effect on the wind could be powerful, but I believe what you have is overly intense. Try describing goose bumps or a different texture that came to the girl's skin, perhaps. Turning blue should be reserved for very intense coldness. xD

It suddenly occurred to me, what if he didn’t mean to come?

Well, I think this sentence should be reworked into something like 'It suddenly occurred to me that there was a possibility he didn't mean to come.'

The idea seemed to make the chill stronger.

That, my friend, is beautiful. The link between the situation and the emotion is excellent. <3

I leaned against the tree, weak with disappointment. To my surprise, I felt a hollow portion in the trunk, and there I found a hole. A piece of paper was shoved inside.

My heart quickened. I took the paper out and saw my name written on it. In his hand writing.

1. Why did you separate the last sentence from the penultimate? Was it an attempt to build the tension with choppy sentences? You don't /need/ to! ^_^ Just connect them. The tension will still be there because the words are still there.

2. I didn't quite get the image here, though. How would she, by leaning against a tree, be in the position to feel a hollow there? Would she lean forward against it? Try clearing this up or changing around the situation. Perhaps a messenger brought the letter or something. -shrugs- Just a suggestion to consider. ^_^

I tried with all of my heart and soul, but I simply could not love you.

Okay, this part with the letter was kind of confusing. Either he was torn away because of the war OR he tried and could not love her. Personally, I think the war thing is just a /bit/ cliche, while this line is very interesting and should be elaborated upon. More to come about this in overall. ^_^

II. Overall

Overall, I think that this is a really well-written concept. =D You obviously have talent, but you just need to refine it a bit. First of all, think about the character. The only hint we had at her character was the fact that she'd perhaps done something like this too many times before. It was skillfully woven in, but because it was never elaborated upon or supported with anything, it seems out of place. Add some more support to the woman character. ^_^

Also, I think you could develop the plot just a little more. /Why/ did the man leave the woman waiting there? As I mentioned before, the concept of trying and failing to love her is really interesting and I think you should expand on that as it's more original than the war excuse. =] This has really great potential! I can't wait to see more of your work. PM me whenever you post more. ^_^

Also, let me know if you have any questions. <3

-Hannah-

@bailecielo: haha, well, I can't say this was really drawn from experience. I don't think I had ever been so dejected as Rose .

@Hannah: wow, that's a great review . It revealed to me dimensions of the story that I haven't even considered. That's a lot of very helpful input. Thank you! I will definitely work harder on this short story ^_^.

Hi there!

I stood alone beneath the white tree, the feeling in my chest as nervous as its branches in the wind.

The metaphor does not make much sense. Perhaps say something like, "The feelings in my chests fluttered like the branches in the wind above me." It doesn't really make sense for branches to be nervous, y'know?

Every second, I wished to see a tall figure make its way towards me. Each idle moment was torment to my hopes. My circumstances were always the same in the past: waiting for a lover to fulfill his promises, and brimming with expectations that eventually die as the forests do when winter seeps into the ground.

I agree with Hannah; this whole section seems really impersonal. By saying "tall figure", she could just be talking about any old person. There's nothing memorable about "tall figure." Describe some of his qualities, perhaps something along the lines of "The tall figure, with his wistful eyes and sad half-smile" (just a really bad example).
Also, by saying that she's done this before, the reader becomes detatched. If love is something that's everyday to her, then it's nothing special and we just don't care anymore. Plus, it makes it seem like the character doesn't care; like there's nothing differentiating this guy from any other guy.

brimming with expectations that eventually die

You mix up your tenses, dear. Die should be died.

But I had to believe that this time my prayers did not fail. I had not trusted blindly to fate the whole of my heart.

Did should be would, because you are speaking of an event that has not yet happened in the story. And trusted should be entrusted.

I repeated these things over and over in mind, until I had accomplished utterly deceiving myself.

Add a my between in and mind. And the second part of that sentence is a bit wordy. Try "until I had utterly decieved myself."

when I waited impatiently for him by the oak. Snow poured ceaselessly from the sky onto our dreary village.

Adverbs are iffy. They make the sentence drag, and when you read it, you just go, "Ouch..."

The icy wind stiffened my limbs and turned my skin blue.

This makes it sound like she's literally freezing to death. Typically, when it's cold, your skin turns red long before blue.

Why? Why has he lied to me? Had he not loved me? Had he not expressed his desire to marry me?

Again, you mix up your tenses. Should be "Why had he lied to me?" Also, by making your character self-pitying, the reader loses pity for her. Talk about her pain, but don't say that she's angry with him for standing her up. That just makes her seem... well, angry. If she really loved this guy, she'd accept it and say he deserved better anywayz.

My heart quickened. I took the paper out and saw my name written on it. In his hand writing.

Why do you break those last two sentences up? It would read a lot easier if it were on sentence.


Overall: This was really nicely written. The connection between Rose's pain and the weather was flawless. Nice symbolism. Also, you had some lovely imagery, but try not focusing on sight so much; it's such an overused sense. For your piece, I'd recommend hearing and touch (i.e., she hears the wind howling, she feels the wind biting at her skin, etc). And you should develop Rose's character more. All we gathered from her is that she is in love and that she's eloquent. Give her traits that we can relate to (such as witty, clever, dark, etc). Other than that, great job! With a little tweaking, this has the potential to be an exquisite piece.

@Explosive_Pen: ah, thank you for noting my problem with tenses @_@. I tend to do that a lot ^_^'. And you're right, Rose's character is lacking depth. Her persona will definitely be reworked .

Hi again BlueShift -

You've already recieved some very lengthy good reviews but i just wanted to add a few things.

Firstly I really like your idea of the colour inspired love stories. Looking forward to reading 'Yellow'

So a couple of teeny things:

But I had to believe that this time my prayers did not fail.

I'm not sure exactly what it is about this sentence, but it doesn't work very well. I think maybe it's your use of the verb 'to do'.

And truly, with my very soul, I believed

I don't like the very. Do you need it or can you replace it with something else?

It is like a blindfold that obscures all from sight except what we wish to see.

Maybe you could remove the 'like'. I think it would read smoother like that.

what if he didn’t mean to come?

This is kind of confusing. Maybe you could change it to something like 'what if he never meant'

The ending is great. I actually gasped.

Good job. When is 'Yellow' arriving?

Double Think

I think that the whole color thing is a really cool idea. The story is also very heartfelt. There are a few grammatical errors but i think the other replies pretty much took care of that. Good job. Definitely continue with this idea.