Twilight

Okay this is my first poem, and I'm hoping it isn't as bad as that song I tried to write, well I hope you like it, please read and review.


I always stare at you, when you're not looking.

Laughing, or talking when you walk by.

Hoping that maybe you'll notice me, the way I notice you.

I know it can never be.

Were just to different, you and I.

You're loud and obnoxious.

While I'm shy and quiet.

Everybody knows your name.

While hardly anyone knows mine.

You feed on the weak.

While I'm too scared to even defend myself.

You're rebellious and never do what you're told.

While I'm obedient, and never disobey.

You're the leader of your group of friends.

While mine treat me like a slave.

I know it can never be,

We're just too different,

Were like two sides of a coin.

Or even like the sun and the moon.

Were just to different, you and I.

At night I dream about you.

They always end the same way--

with me and you together.

I always smile when I see you.

I wish we could be together,

but we are just too different.

Sometimes I wish that,

You were the day, happy and bright.

And I'm the night, quiet and secretive.

That way we could be together,

we could meet at twilight.

I always stare at you, when your not looking. "your" should be "you're" as in in you are

Laughing, or talking a little louder when you walk by. talking a little louder than what? I think you should just get rid of the phrase "a little louder" because it reads better without it anyway

Hoping that maybe you'll notice me, the way I notice you.

I know it can never be.

Were just to different, you and I.

Your loud and obnoxious. once again, "you're"

I'm shy and quiet.

Every body knows your name. everybody is one word

While hardly anyone knows mine.

You beat up nerds for fun.

While I'm to scared to even defend myself.

Your rebellious and never do what your told. you're

While I'm obedient, and never disobey.

Your the leader of your group of friends. you're

While I follow mine around like a puppy.

I know it can never. . . do you mean can never BE?

Were just to different. . .

Were like two sides of a coin.

Or even like the sun and the moon.

Were just to different, you and I.

At night I dream about you. seems like maybe a break is needed in between this line and the one before...a new stanza or something. This line seems abrupt after the previous

They always end the same way. . .

with me and you together.

I always smile when I see you.

I wish we could be together. . .

but we are just to different.

Sometimes I wish that. . .

You were the day. . . happy and bright.

And I'm the night. . .quiet and secretive.

That way we could be together. . .

we could meet at twilight. . . way too many ellipses (...) in the last few lines! If the whole poem was like this, I might be okay with it. But since it just seemed to be something you added at the last second, I would say nix most of them. It's poetry, breaking up the lines adds pause and thought without the ellipses needed. I would say you can get rid of all of them.

What I didn't like: the message was overdone and cliche. Why would someone like that kind of person anyway? THe narrator is basically calling herself a nerd and yet is in love with a nerd-basher. Regardless, this story IS overdone

What I liked: the style. I love poems that have no real format. The rhythm was mostly good. Good job on your first poem!

-Cassie

Hey Chinchilla! My name is Jon.

Every body knows your name.

Everybody is one word.

You beat up nerds for fun.

I see where you are going here, but this bit of information seems too much. Maybe you could rephrase it, maybe, : " You feed on the weak." or something like that.

While I'm to scared to even defend myself.

Don't use 'to' for this sentence, use, 'too' (the first one) 'Too' is, "too much", while 'to' is "to the store."

I know it can never. . .

You might consider adding a 'be' to the end of this sentence. Get rid of the ellipsis. (...) and add a comma.

Were just to different. . .

Once again, the ellipsis doesn't sound right here, just use a comma. Or you could possibly use a dash. (--) if you want a pause in the poem.

Were just to different, you and I.

'Were' should be 'We're' for 'We are'
Use 'too' instead of 'to'

They always end the same way. . .

Once again, just use a dash, the ellipsis is too, well, it just would be better as a dash.

I wish we could be together. . .



but we are just to different.

Get rid of the ellipsis and put a comma. 'to' should be 'too'

Sometimes I wish that. . .



You were the day. . . happy and bright.



And I'm the night. . .quiet and secretive.



That way we could be together. . .



we could meet at twilight. . .

Change all of the ellipsis' to dashes. In the last sentence get rid of the ellipsis and just put a period.


Okay, for your first poem, I liked it in places. You portrayed very nicely the yearning to be something different for a change. I liked that topic. You need to work on when to use, 'to' and too' and 'were' and 'we're'. Also, you use way too many ellipsis' in this poem, just try and tone it down a bit.


This was a good first try at poetry. Keep up the good work and I'll see more of your work around, yeah? My favorite part of this poem was the topic of it. Just polish it up and It should be great!


My pleasure,


---Jon---

Cassie- Thanks for the review I see what you mean about it being to over done, and all. The reason the guy is like that is because, I need them to be complete opposite from each other. Oh and I guess I kind of forgot about a format, until now.

Jon- I guess one thing you should know about me is that I have really bad spelling/putting the wrong word problems. Oh and thanks for the phrase -"He feeds on the weak."- I really like that. I wish I thought about that. Well thanks for the review, and encouraging input!

Thanks again guys here's a dancing elephant and ninja to show my gratitude!

I'll be taking the pink elephant, thanks!


You can use that phrase I made up. It's yours, I gave it to you.

I always stare at you, when you're not looking.
and this is a bit stalker-ish. :)


Laughing, or talking when you walk by.



Hoping that maybe you'll notice me, the way I notice you. This feeling sucks, no?



I know it can never be. Pessimism,



Were just to different, you and I.



You're loud and obnoxious.



I'm shy and quiet. You could have added 'While'



Everybody knows your name.



While hardly anyone knows mine.



You feed on the weak.



While I'm too scared to even defend myself.



You're rebellious and never do what your told. you're



While I'm obedient, and never disobey.



You're the leader of your group of friends.



While I follow mine around like a puppy. While mine treat me like a slave

, don't you think it's more, appropriate? I don't know, I just think leader and slave is both at the ends of the pole

I know it can never be,



We're just too different,



Were like two sides of a coin.



Or even like the sun and the moon.



Were just to different, you and I.



At night I dream about you.



They always end the same way--



with me and you together.



I always smile when I see you.



I wish we could be together,



but we are just too different.



Sometimes I wish that,



You were the day, happy and bright.



And I'm the night, quiet and secretive.



That way we could be together,



we could meet at twilight.

The only thing I could say is: Be careful with using you're and your or to or too.

And yeah, I love the imagery you've set about 'meeting at twilight', how two contrasting objects happen to meet at a distinct moment. (: Though yeah, it's a bit cliche.

The nerd and the popular dude, sometimes, it doesn't work.


-threm.

Therm- yeah I didn't really notice that till now. . . . Well anyways that feeling sucks, I guess, but hey. Oh and I like the phrase -"While mine treat me like a slave."- it does seem more appropriate. While at the same time it kind of shows how the person sees her self compared to her friends. (Why does everyone think of the good phrase! I can only think of non poetic phrases. *sigh* Oh well) I'll try to work on you're and too, but I can't make any promises. Thanks for the review!! Here take this cool smiley!

sorry i must for i can't hold it in because I know the EXACT feeling because it is happening to me right now but in quite the opposite way >>

BLAH


now for what i wanna say..

Awww!

Ok, so I think it would've been nicer if there were definite stanza's, there were times where i would read the next line and have to stop because it didn't flow with the last line. the
"While mine treat me like a slave" i don't know, it just didn't feel like the right words, i mean if you're a slave they're not really friends then right? The clicheness, well is endurable, i kinda like it lol
i think you should've mentioned something about how long twilight will last like

We will meet in twilight
those so few minutes where dark meets light
somethin like that, i'm not sure. But keep writing, you'll grow into your poetry. Try writing about a single emotion, or a scenery rather an event to switch things up.
God bless