Sleeping Beauty - Part 3 [END] [Stella's Contest]

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Hello everyone! I'd like to answer on why this isn't a novel or something. I too, can see a lot of opportunities but this was meant for a contest, therefore a short story ^.^ If I have the time, I might develop this, but only might.

Have fun reading! Oh, and it starts with Aurora's POV, and then it switches to Jake's but you can notice it, so (Jake's the epilogue).

*---*---*---*

I ran, my steps echoing through the halls, without stopping. I soon reached the Lounge room, and the watchful eyes of the coach hit me.
“Report, Jones!”
“Jake’s fine, sir!” I stuttered, surprised - I’d never get used to this man.
Sitting back on my chair, Joana asked me, “Why are you all wet?” She twisted her nose, silently telling me how she did not want to be in my place.
“It’s raining outside,” I responded sharply. I was annoyed; hadn’t she noticed that was raining outside? Kinda obvious. My tone made her turn her head to the other side and stay silent. The door slammed again, but instead of a firm call from coach, there was a warm smile, something I never thought I’d see on coach. His favorite student had arrived: Jake Manson entered the room. Joana was no longer sitting next to me, I figured, after searching for her to change my attention to something other than the soccer captain. Sigh. Jake was doing the ‘bro shake’ with his other teammates, I assumed. Why couldn’t I take my eyes off him? He noticed me staring, and I quickly changed the target of my sight. I heard his teammates gossiping like old ladies, “He, you’ve got another fan!”
“Yeah, the principal’s daughter an all,” another said. They were laughing and joking around. He laughed, dismissing all commentaries.
Coach barked again at me. “Jones! Table three. Mason, go with her.”
I felt like sinking into the chair. That stupid jock kid had made me feel more confused in one school day than in my other entire school years! And I embarrassed myself for that stupid moment out in the rain – so cliche – and I’d do it again. And he was going to quick ass at the table tennis thing, for sure. Jake was now looking over at me, waiting for me to get up and walk over towards the table. To avoid his look, I got up. Reaching the tennis table, I picked up the small racket that was resting on my side, and waited for him to start. And I was right, once again. I failed to make one single point on my account. The game ended 14-2, my two points coming from his mistakes. He laughed and walked towards his ‘buddies’ again, and I sulked by a chair in a corner.
The soccer player sat rows away from me, in French class. He didn’t talk, or tried any other kind of communication with me through the whole class. That was supposed to be good! Then, why were my guts fevering up? My stomach felt like it was going to make a whole and fall out, as heavy as it was.
Lunch break passed without a single appearance of Jake Manson, something I wasn’t sure either to consider good or bad. I knew by logic it was supposed to be good, but there was that hypothetical verb – supposed - something that normally would be like that but not right now, a doubtful verb. Why did my eyes search the cafeteria for him? I bet Caroline had an answer for that, but she was sitting by the jocks once again. She seemed happy, so I shouldn’t complain. And she was. Joana joined the table, and I knew it was time to apologize on how I had treated her.
“Joana, I’m sorry. About before. I was annoyed with something” – more like someone- “and took it out on you.”She smiled, and nodded. I liked her, she was this kind of person, a forgive full one.
Lunch break was soon over, and before I could count time it was already four p.m. Math was as boring as ever, and I had to fight bravely not to fall asleep. Caroline kept text messaging me, so my Nokia’s vibration was one of the few things that kept me awake. No paper planes flew my way, and I got annoyed at myself. Why was I acting like this? More like a jealous, spoiled brat than anything else. Was I, like, used to his presence or something? Did I want him by my side? No way.
I waited, drawing again on the leaves at the end of the notebook. I should be passing the stuff from the board, shouldn’t I? Yep, probably. I started passing what would seem like equations and stuff. Ugh. I hated math.
The bell rang: it was now five o’clock. I ran up to the cafeteria and bought Oreos. I was getting hungry. I hurried up to classroom number twenty three, commonly known was detention room. After entering, the door groaned behind me. It was one of the old rooms, that hadn’t been renovated. I believed it was something to add to its punishing look. Jake was already sitting, somewhere near the left corner of the room. I decided to place myself far away, into the opposite side of the classroom.
He was staring at me. I looked anxiously at the clock; it had only been ten minutes since I entered the room. And he was still staring at me. Gritting my teeth, I looked straight and only at the wall. Was he trying to torture me? Or just trap me into a corner so that he could eat me alive later?
The teacher, someone I recognized but didn’t recall the name, was comfortably sitting behind the wooden desk, on the edge of putting his feet on the top of the said desk. Flipping the newspaper’s page, I bet he wasn’t reading the sports section, he took a quick glance around the room and went back to his reading.
I sighed and laid my head on the table, being careful as not to close my eyes. I heard some chairs move, but I bothered not to look up until the air around me shifted.
“Jake,” I whispered, too unconsciously. It’s not like I’ve met him or anything. What is wrong with me? I changed my mind about him in a split second!
“Ah, so the beast has settled,” he muttered, running his fingers through his hair.
“What is that supposed to mean?!” I asked, undignified, raising my torso off the table.
He chuckled, and dismissed the thought. I raised my eyebrow at him, but quickly went back to dozing off. I closed my eyes; I was too tired to care. If I fell asleep, so be it. Caroline or my parents would come and wake me up, but all the feelings flying around and emotions were too much to bear and I needed a break. Seriously, it had been a freaking wicked day.
Pressing my chest against the wooden desk, I fell asleep. For real. Now this part of the story was told to me later, so I’m not sure about the details such as me talking in my sleep, something I highly doubt so I’ll take that out.
I fell asleep and none could wake me up. The students around me panicked, and so did the teacher. Apparently, and I’m trying my best not to roll my eyes at this part that Caroline told me, Jake took me to the infirmary in his arms. Pffft, nonsense, I tell you. A few minutes after reaching the infirmary, Caroline stepped in, called by one of the senior teachers that knew about my ‘problem’.
“Who are you?” Jake asked, his voice rough and intimidating. Caroline didn’t flinch at the big guy, and walked past by him.
“Best friend,” she said, closing the curtain that separated the bed I was laying on from the rest of the infirmary. She took my hand, and kissed it, as usual.
My eyes were open in a split second and I was more aware of everything around me more than I was in the History class.
“Oh, no…” I raised my hand to my temples, feeling guilty. I had dragged her out of the classroom and ruined my facide. Now what?! How was I going to explain why no one had managed to wake me up? To the teacher, my parents would explain shortly, but to the other people in classroom. Actually, it was lucky I fell asleep in detention and not in a normal class, since detention had fewer people. I could say I had a break down! Perfect.
“I was bored, so thanks Aurora!” Caroline was happy, and cheerful, compared to my new found depression.
The white curtain flew open, with a brusque movement, to show Jake standing with a worried expression. I sat up, and motioned to get up, but was stopped by Caroline.
“Not so fast,” she contradicted my wishes, and laid one of her arms on top of the covers of the bed.
“She’s awake?” Jake asked Caroline, as if not seeing the obvious. Duh.
“I’m right here.” I didn’t liked it when people talked of me in third person.
I tried to get up again.
“Don’t do it, Aurora. Do you want me to say it?” Her eyes were wide, and her eyebrows slightly rose while she threatened me. She won’t… won’t she? Would she say it? I bet my expression told her I was not trusting that threat and her eyebrows raised a bit more, as if changeling me.
“Say what?” Jake asked, from behind Caroline.
Caroline’s lips turned into a huge, Machiavellian smirk. Now that he asked, she was going to tell him. I let my head fall back and land on the pillow, and covered my face with my wrist, in pain. “Her middle name. Ain’t that right, Rossie?”
I let out a cry of pain and mortification, and I heard Jake fall into a burst of laughter. Oh God.
“Why are you here, anyway?” I snapped at him, my irritation palpable in my voice. Jake stopped laughing, but his smile remained.
“You passed out or something in class. Actually, how did she wake up?” He asked, turning to Caroline.
My best friend looked at me before answering and I gave her my consent to answer him. Why I did, I had no idea but I did so, and today I couldn’t be any gladder about that.
“I kissed her hand.”
“You what?”
“Kissed her. When she falls asleep, you have to kiss her to wake up.”
He stared at us, blankly; Caroline’s expression didn’t change. “Seriously?” He took one step forwards.
“Hum, yeah.”
“I’ll be leaving now,” Caroline announced, and before either of us could say anything she was no longer there. I tried to look everywhere else than to Jake, but I failed miserably. I was amusing him, with my denial I guess, because that playful smirk he wore when around me emerged again.
“So, you’re a freak.” He had his hands in his pockets, and said one of my most dreadful fears with a simple tone.
“Yep, pretty much,” I replied, sighing. There was no stopping it now; how could I have forgotten Jake was some kind of jock? Everyone would know this in a few minutes by chain messages. Oh, now I hated technology. I closed my eyes, my face facing the ceiling, and felt it again. The numbness took over me, and I was on the edge when something soft touched my hand. My eyes immediately popped open, and I stared at Jake, while he still held my hand between his warm ones.
“Testing nº1.”
I couldn’t help but smile, and he grinned at me too. Jake kissed my wrist nest.
“Testing nº2.” Okay, now I was turning red as he moved up my arm and reached my neck, touching it lightly with his lips completing ‘test nº5’. What would he do next? I really believed he was going to kiss me, but no, he stopped by there. My heart was pumping blood so fast I thought I was going to explode, and my stomach was doing back flips again.
“But I’m a freak,” I stated. Why was he doing this, if he already knew my secret? How I was?
“I’ll be here to kiss you every time,” Jake replied. I felt like sinking into the bed, and my face turned scarlet. How could he not even be slightly embarrassed? Oh, yeah: jocks, naturally playful.
Eh, whatever. I liked him.

Epilogue
Waving my friends and teammates off, I approached Aurora, who, for a change, was around one of the vending machines. With her back facing me, I had already guessed what she was doing.
“Leave the poor M&M’s alone.” I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. “Or at least give me some.” Opening my hand in her direction, Aurora reluctantly put three blue M&M’s in the center of it. I couldn’t complain; even though she didn’t give up many chocolates, she gave me my favorites – surely, the blue ones were the best.
Aurora sat by the bench near the vending machine, where her backpack already was, and I followed her. I eyed the M&M’s: she had bought five of those in the last three days. She found me glaring, and sight.
“Jake, I’ve been sleepy…”
Oh, so that was it. That wasn’t good. Aurora yawned.
“And the M&M’s kept you from sleeping so now you’re slaughtering them?” She gave me a weak laugh at my joke, and rested her head on my shoulder. Her blonde hair fell as a curtain, hiding her face and her ocean blue eyes. I counted one second. She was struggling against it, the urge/command to fall asleep. Her hand reached up and grabbed my coat, and I wondered how much control it must have taken her to do that. Then, I knew I’d have to blown off my friends and stay there with her. I tucked her hair behind her ear, and whispered, “I’ll be here to wake you up.”
I saw blood rush to her cheeks, but they remained a soft pink shade. How cute.
Last edited by *writewatiwant* on Sat Oct 03, 2009 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Kat!!
Can this be any more cute?! I loved it. It's so beautiful the narration was great. I like how you made this so original and could put in an everyday teenage situation.


now some nitpicks.
“It’s raining outside,” I responded, sharply

I don't think you need the comma before sharply, I think it's good enough without the comma.

I was annoyed; hadn’t she noticed that was raining outside? Kinda obvious

Now, I think the semicolon should be replaced by a comma


Sigh. Jake was doing the ‘bro shake’ with his other teammates, I assumed. Why couldn’t I take my eyes off him? He noticed me staring, and I quickly changed the target of my sight. I heard his teammates gossiping, like old ladies, “He, you’ve got another fan!”

I think you should so a complete sentence instead of putting just the sigh. Now, the 'bro shake' part, i think you should rephrase it to make it more interesting and sort of engage us to the story by Aurora's P.O.V a little more.
You could put it like this: I saw him go to his other teammates and do his usual bro shake with a killer rock-star style. How could he look so good even doing bro shakes? I wondered. Why couldn't i take my eyes off him?
just an example.

I heard his teammates gossiping, like old ladies

I also think that comma here is quite not needed.

The soccer player sat rows away from me, in French.

lol. Quite not understanding what French has to do with the rest.

And she was.

I don't this is necessary, since, at least for me, the picture is quite clear because you already said she seemed happy. Maybe adding a little more related to her happiness would be better.

Caroline kept text messing me

Messaging you meant, right?

The bell rang: it was now five o’clock.

You should put a comma instead of a colon.

It was one of the old rooms, that hadn’t been renovated.

And here get rid of the comma. Also, I think some more description of the room and why it was 'punishing looking' would add some imagery o the story.

Overall
The story is lovable, very cute. The characterization was very good, you make the reader learn something more from Aurora in every part and make aurora's attitude very visible by her thoughts. There were some punctuation issues that can be easily corrected.
One thing i would suggest is that you should start a new paragraph every time a person speaks like.
"hi"
"HI, how are you"
Is just easier to understand.
And...
I loved it, it would be interesting if you make a longer story out of it.

XOXO
Pudin
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

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This was very nice. I loved how it ended and good for Jake for sticking with her. How did you do in the contest?
Great story, nice ending and I wish it was going on longer but it was still good. Keep it up=)




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hey im here to review,
what a funny take on one of my favourite storys. by the way this is like me judging the entire story because i really dont have enough time to judge everthing though i would have loved to. i love the story. i laughed at the idea at first and then i read it and i was like 'oh my god' its serious. and then i just loved it . a little too fast for my liking but i loved it. anyways got to go bye.
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Here for the final part!

I. NITPICKS

hadn’t she noticed that was raining outside?


that it was.

to quick ass


kick

Jake Manson,


Mason.

commonly known was detention room.


as...

Ain’t that right, Rossie?”


Do you mean Rosie? I don't particularly understand this... why does it matter so much?

Okay...

II. CHARACTERS

I would have liked to see more development in Caroline and Jake. Aurora herself is pretty interesting, a little flat, but not overly so. But Jake. What made him want to run in the rain, and why is he so fascinated by her? He needed a bit of fleshing out- he's halfway there, but needs to get the full way before I can sympathise with him at all...

III. PACING

I mentioned this in the last part- this moves extremely fast. Sure, it's possible to have all this happen in one day, but for the two of them to fall in love? In a love/hate relationship, it's going to need more time than that. Maybe she knew him beforehand, and hated him then, and today is the day her feelings change? I just felt that it moved too quickly. As I said, I realise that it was a fairytale, but all the same...

IV. OVERALL

Again, I want to say how much I love your voice, and there were some ultra-cute moments here at the end. However, I would have liked to see you stick slightly closer to the original. You kind of did away with the evil Chemistry teacher- maybe the foil could have been that her classes were so boring they put Aurora asleep? And you only made one mention of roses- as someone who loves the part roses play in fairytales, I would have liked to see more of this as well- even if, say, the curtain in the infirmary was printed with them or something. But overall, I did enjoy it, it was light-hearted and cute and nicely written.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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woo! I loved this!
Jake's character is a little unrealistically sweet, but sadly, that's what i want to read about! I loved this version of Sleeping beauty! Bravo
~Classy



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