Him or the gun

K, thanks guys for all the comments! I'll try reply to each of you at the bottom of the page. Obviously I don't want to completely change my poem but really, I can't believe I didn't notice some of those problems!

I think I have fixed what I can without making the poem feel different, but I've probably missed stuff again. Comments are welcome (just not harsh ones! )


Him or the gun

A man, he stands before you;
There’s a pistol in your hand,
He has killed and hurt and tortured-
But the gun is in your hand.
You remember haunted faces,
As the gun lies in your hand,
Of people murdered, shot
by the same gun in your hand.
So, what will you do; with
the power in your hand.
You’ll be a stronger person,
Drop the gun and take a stand

Hum... I'll try and go easy on you. Here ane some things that caught my eye.

He’s killed and hurt and tortured,
But the gun is in your hand

I think maybe you should take out an and, and replace it with a comma.

The power's in your hand?
You’ll be a stronger person
Drop the gun and take a stand

I'd lose the question mark, it seems like your not sure about it. It might be a typo, too.

Right here you choose to rhyme, it doesn't make sense!

Hope that helped!

Hi there, Tranquility! Like awesome user name I'm Kat - *shakes hand* - nice to meet you! I'll be your reviewer for today.

I. Grammar and Punctuation

A man, he stands in front of you

This is more of a personal opinion than anything. So, at first sight, this line is just fine. But, in my opinion, the tense could be improved. Improved as in choice of tense. In my opinion, I think Present Continuous would do better here, so something like ' A man, he is standing in front of you,'. Also, this line is slightly awkward, due to the use of 'a' and 'he', I think. If you try to turn the 'A man' to 'the man' or something I think it would flow better.

He's killed and hurt and tortured

Actually, I'll have to disagree with the previous reviewer on this one. I think the two ands give it a more dramatic touch and it influences how you read it. My advise is to ad a comma before the last and. Also, he's killed? As in dead? The why would you need a pistol? I think you should seriously consider the verb choice, since it creates some confusion.

But the gun is in your hand

Aaah, this line calls for a period in the end

You remember the dead people

Comma at the end. Also, this is such a simple line that I think you could spice it up so much in different ways. Example: The sight of slaughtered humanity,
you remember it
Again, only an idea. Keep in mind these are only suggestions

By the same gun in your hand

Here, is a very awkward and confusing line. So, did this man took the pistol from the other? If not, you should turn it to something like 'by a gun just like yours'.

So, what will you do; now
The power's in your hand

Two advices here. First, if you turn 'power's' to power is it would flow better. And, the second capitalized sentence is just... wrong. That now calls, screams, for a dis-capitalized sentence! I know some people say every line should be capitalized, but I do not agree with that. Poetry's free style, unless you choose to do a sonnet, or a villanelle, or something of the sort, and I personally don't capitalize every single line. There are some that are good just left alone xD

You'll be a stronger person
Drop the gun and take a stand

I like this ending. Leaves the reader pending. However, I think it would work better as a question, so you'd just add a question mark at the end and dis-capitalize the last line. Also, for a question, you'd have to turn the start ot 'would you be a stronger person' and I think you should revise the use of stronger. There are many other words that would play better there

II. Message
I really liked this. Even though it was simple, very simple, it had meaning, depth. I could see it all play in front of my eyes; the inner dilemmas, the situations, everything. Great work on that! I think this could definitely have a part II, or something. So, good work!

Hope I've helped, and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me
- Kat

Your poem is really good. I'm crap at poems and really admire people who are good with them.

Mkay, well you poem flows nice, but i have to say i lost interest by how many times you repeated the word 'hand.' you repeating the same words sort of bored me! Sorry to be harsh like that. I did like your poem; it was meaningful and well thought out. I'd say keep writing! Just figure out other ways to stretch your vocabulary!
~Classy