Intense. Reading it feels like drowning. I think the line "on the sign was written in white ink "Rest In Peace", but the sign itself sighed, said "Rest assured, no peace" is brilliant. The sibilance in the last bit... onomatopoeic for the sigh... brilliance...
I agree with Daisy; it was very intense, as well as very well-versed with a steady pull. Your beginning was addictive, and you carried the quality through to the end. Well done.
I do admit, though, that it's slightly fuzzy for me. I believe I'm catching a few things of it here, but I'm afraid I'm not grasping the overall picture?
Your stanzaic development is remarkable. You have perfect rhymthm, flawless internal rhyme, and never once here do you seem to slip up. I wish I could offer up some criticism, but I can't. I rarely say this, but I think this is a perfect poem.
Thanks for the read. Definitely one of my favorite poems on YWS.
June =)
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
I got lost after 'down'; please, a little more guidance in the way of punctuation?
made ... trampled.
Wish on a star, I think. 'Too hazy for the smoke billowing through exhaust pipelines' -- as in the star was too hazy for the smoke or the smoke made the star hazy? That said, sheepskin trampled made me so happy.
The ...heard
'aura' just seems unnecessary and weak compared to 'nuclear armor', and 'bathed' doesn't fit 'armor', so maybe rearrange a little. And 'as insects do a dead fly' -- do insects in fact follow dead flies?
that...intended.
God dang it, I was doing so well, comprehension-wise, right up until 'a blunder to permeate a fireworks that it had never intended'. There goes all my hard work! But not my appreciation, particularly of that description of the lame globe, I should say.
No quote unquote help to give about the rest, because I am even more in love than usual, to be frank.
You're an excellent poet if I haven't made that point clear yet. You always make me scratch my brain for something constructive (and I guess I come out with something interesting if you keep requesting a review), but this is good for me. Critical thinking ftw.
Your description is fantastic as usual. I really liked the metaphor going here with the stars and such. For a while, I thought of the Magic School Bus when they would travel in the kid's body (Was it Ralphie? Or Arnold. Probably both.) But, er. Yeah.
One difficulty I had with this was the run-on sentences which probably explains some of the confusion with other reviewers here. If the sentence drags on and on, the reader gets lost and forgets what the point of the sentence was. That's somewhat against your style, I know; however I think it still could use a bit of adjustment if you reinforced the subject of your sentence and such. And with your style of poetry, losing the reader is the last thing you want. You need the reader to be on the same page as you, so try not to drag on so much that the reader forgets what you're talking about.
And the only other thing I could pick out is that your metaphor switches from the stars im the beginning to the miscellaneous comparisons in the second half. If you had an analogy that remained consistent throughout the entire piece, it would have been easier to comprehend as well. Possibly.
That's all I can think of at this late hour. (That's what I get for putting it of, hah.) I hope I gave some insight?
I really liked the title of this, definitely caught my attention! But you should make your poetry a little more... mysterious.
and toward the drier road (on the sign was written in white ink "Rest In Peace", but the sign itself sighed, said "Rest assured, no peace"
As i respect your excellent way with words, maybe you could have made your reader think a little more if you'd taken away "on the sign was written" or "but the message itself sighed, said "Rest assured, no peace". If that makes any sense at all. Anyways, beautiful work and don't stop writing! Looking forward to future work from you
This poem blew my mind. Just fabulous. The way you strung these words together was almost flawless. Your metaphors, similes and imagery in general was tangible. Just lovely.
Now, as Jabber said. Something constructive:
Your run-on sentences are quite a mouthful. They seem endless and you lose the reader in it. The reader will lose interest if you make it so complex that it swallow the reader up. I have nothing against long poetry, just that if a poet dawdles on and on, the reader does find it painful to read. Long poetry takes an experienced eye to sort out so you happen to lose a major proportion of your audience. I would remove some unnecessary details and cut up some of the lines to form sentences.
Also, what is this poem really saying? Going on and on, we lose the real point of your poem. What is it that you are trying to get across, the story you are trying to tell or the message you are sending out? You want that to be evident through the poem, because, though this is beautifully worded and flowing, we come out of it with nothing at all. No story or message to remember it by etc.
Hope that this helps. Great great job.
~Kamas
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin
