Battle Cry

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Points 1040

Reviews 13

Thu Oct 08, 2009 3:30 pm

Tariq Muhammad says... · Thu Oct 08, 2009 3:30 pm

Battle Cry
By Tariq Muhammad

Praying Merrily In The Bushes
I Shall Await My Time To Come
We Ignore The Babies Crying
They Cry Because They Understand That They Might Not See Their Grandchildren & Those After
They Cry Because They See How Far We've Fallen
They Cry Because They Know That They May Have To Leave Their Families For War One Day
They Cry Because We've Fallen In Love With Death & Disease
We Are To Blame
For Generations, We As A Race Of Humans, Have Only Gotten Lower Into The Pit Of Hell
We Hate Them When They Are Here, But When They Leave We Miss Them
Fathers Send Their Sons Into War, Even Their Daughters
We Hand The Family Rifle To The Baby So We Won't Have To Die For Our Country
We Go Into War At The Young Ages Before Our Minds Are Fully Developed
We Return (If We Return) With Sickness Of The Worst Kind
We Can't Sleep, The Echos Of Those Who We Killed & The Echos Of The Gunfire Give Us Headaches
Praying Merrily In The Bushes
I Shall Await My Time To Come
And Until The Day I Die
I Shall Chant My Battle Cry

Last edited by Tariq Muhammad on Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:59 pm, edited 4 times in total.

"My only regret is that I didn't learn the value of life sooner"
- Tariq Muhammad

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FLyerS

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Points 240

Reviews 98

Thu Oct 08, 2009 4:34 pm

FLyerS says... · Thu Oct 08, 2009 4:34 pm

Wow. That be powerful stuff. You should watch form though. This is a narrative, not a poem. Technically.

Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.

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smorgishborg

Gender

Points 4832

Reviews 199

Thu Oct 08, 2009 7:32 pm

smorgishborg says... · Thu Oct 08, 2009 7:32 pm

Hey, fellow Minnesotan! First, the font and colors distract from the words. Second, I'd be curious to know your background with regards to all of this. Pardon me for generalizing, but with the Twin Cities housing the largest Somali population in the US, I couldn't help but assume that was your heritage. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but talk to me!

Spoiler

Tariq Muhammad wrote:Praying Merrily In The Bushes
I Shall Await My Time To Come
We Can See Clouds Of Gun Powder In Our Neighborhood

I liked this last line quite a bit. The thing that I would caution you about though, is to figure out exactly where the narrator is. Is he a child soldier? Is he a student in Minneapolis? These first lines put us out into the field, but the later bits of the poem seem to have been written from relative comfort.

Even In Our Homes.
We Tend To Ignore The Babies Crying

"Tend" is not a very evocative word. Perhaps; "We are trying to ignore..."

We Are Jealous Of them

I'm not sure I understand why. The following lines make it seem like they're being born into a pretty miserable existence.

They Cry Because They Understand That They Might Not See Their Grandchildren and Those After.
They Cry Because They See How Far We've Fallen.
They Cry Because They Know That They May Have To Leave Their Families For War One Day.
They Cry Because We've Fallen In Love With Death & Disease.
We Are To Blame.

Their instead of there when talking about possession. Also, periods at the end of every line.

For Five Generations, We As A Race Of Humans, Have Only Gotten Lower Into The Pit Of Hell

Is "five" really necessary? "Generations" alone may be more accurate.

We Hate Them When They Are Here, But When They Leave We Miss Them

Soliders?

Fathers Send Their Sons Into War, Even Their Daughters
We Hand The Family Rifle To The Baby So We Won't Have To Die For Our Country
We Go Into War At The Age Of 18, Before Our Minds Are Fully Developed
We Return (If We Return) With Sickness Of The Worst Kind
We Can't Sleep, The Echos Of Those Who We Killed & The Echos Of The Gunfire Give Us Headaches

Commas or periods at the end of every line. Also, the "18" seems oddly specific again. People go to war at all ages no? The baby is going to war even...

Praying Merrily In The Bushes
I Shall Await My Time To Come
And Until The Day I Die
I Shall Chant My Battle Cry

Nice rhyme at the end.

It's a little raw, and a little unfocused, but the emotion and importance are obvious. Good start.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic ties on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

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