The Hospital Story

This story may be a little long, but it took me a while to write and was actually the first fictional story I wrote that wasn't for a school project.


I knew where I was at that moment, but I wasn’t sure how I had gotten there. I was lying on a comfy hospital bed, with bandages wrapped around my arm and leg. My head was throbbing. I lifted my good hand up to where it hurt and felt bandages there as well. Luckily, all my hair was still there. I couldn’t imagine losing my long, blonde hair. I looked around the room. There was a red curtain separating me from whoever was breathing loudly on the other side of it. The walls were painted a warm shade of orange. I lifted my left hand and there was a needle right in the middle of it with tape on it attached to an IV and a clamp on my pointer finger that was connected to a heart monitor. I felt very weak. I couldn’t hold my eyelids open any longer and I drifted back to sleep.
When I woke up again, my head wasn’t throbbing anymore and a nurse was wrapping new bandages around my arm. When she looked up and saw my eyes open, she jumped back a bit and nearly dropped the bandages.
“Are you alright? From what we have been told, you took some really bad damage.” She said.
“I think I’m fine,” I said feebly, “Although, I don’t remember what happened to me.” Why couldn’t I remember?
“That’s good, considering what you’ve been through. Is there anything you need that would make you more comfortable?”
“Can I have some hot cocoa, please?” I asked meekly.
“Sure. I’ll be back in a few.”
“Okay.” I lay back in the bed and took a closer look at my surroundings. The bed sheets were a pale shade of yellow. On top of it was my favorite red and blue cotton blanket that I usually kept on my bed at the apartment I lived in with Ashley.
I was trying to make out who was lying on the bed on the other side of the curtain, but it was very hard to see through.
I spotted my iPod on the swivel tray and put my headphones in. Once I’d found my favorite song---head bobbing to the beat---I picked up the first card in the stack of letters on the swivel tray. The first was a beautiful note from my older sister, Claire.
I went through the rest of the stack. They were from a lot of my family members and friends from my old college and the grad school that I went to. Each one had a beautiful, loving message and made me tear up. But the last eight cards made tears roll down my cheeks. They were from the rest of the members of Tally Hall and the Pretty Committee. I was crying by the time I read Katie’s letter, which was the last letter in the stack, and the song playing on my iPod was Just Apathy. The nurse finally came back with my hot cocoa with marshmallows. She put the cup on the swivel tray. I lifted it to my lips, hesitant so it wouldn’t burn my lips or my tongue.
“Thank you,” I said after taking a sip, “I have a question.”
“Yes. What is it? And by the way, you can call me Mina.”
“Okay, Mina. How did I get here and who brought me here?”
“Well, I was here the entire time you were brought in and I was there during your surgery. You had a friend bring you in. He told us to take you in first, but he was in critical condition as well, so we had to take both of you to the O.R.”
“Thanks. How long I have I been out?”
“About a week. It’s March 16th, hon.”
“Thank you. I have one last question. Who is on the other side of the curtain? I’ve been trying to make out who it is for a while.”
“That’s your friend who saved your life. Also you have some visitors waiting for you and they have been a little impatient about seeing you.”
“Thank you. You can let them in,” I said, shocked to find out that my friend was on the other side of the curtain and even more shocked that I had visitors. When Mina opened the door, in came my parents, Sarah and David, my sibs: Claire, Jessica, Anna, and Billy, and my friends: Ashley, Zubin, Grace, and Rob. Two tears rolled down my cheeks after everybody had hugged me.
“I’m so happy to see you guys,” I said while wiping the tears off of my cheeks.
“We are, too. You almost didn’t make it. We’re just glad you’re alive,” Claire said.
“Have you read any of your cards yet?” Anna and Billy asked in unison. They were both sixteen and getting ready to get there drivers’ licenses.
“Yes I have. They were all very beautiful and I loved every single one of them.”
“I brought your laptop, just in case you felt like writing a story, if you are able to still type,” My dad said. My mom handed me a Vera Bradley laptop case in Purple Punch. Inside was my MacBook.
“Thank you.”
“Are you feeling alright?” Asked Ashley and Grace in unison, and they smiled at each other as if saying jinx.
“I’m fine. I’ve been listening to some Tally Hall and while I did, I read all the cards.”
“What about the one attached to the rose?” asked Jessica.
“I haven’t read that one yet.”
“Why haven’t you read it yet?” asked Rob.
“I was about to, but Mina came back.”
“Ohh. Well, why don’t you read it now?” asked Zubin.
“Okay. I will,” so I picked up the rose and untied the string. I opened the letter and on the inside it said:
Dear Serena,
If you are reading this, it has probably been a while since the incident. I am having Mina write this for me because I can’t write at the moment. But, I wanted to say that I love you and that is what gave me the strength to get you all the way to the hospital. I am truly sorry for what happened. If you can’t remember it, ask Rob, Zubin, Grace, or Ashley, because I was able to tell them. I really wish I could see you right now and hear your voice again. Your sweet voice… But unfortunately, I am more beat up than you are, according to Meena. This is all I have to say and hope to see you soon enough…
Sincerely,
Joe
“It’s from Joe. What was the accident? I’ve completely forgotten what happened. Joe wrote here that Rob, Grace, Zubin, or Ashley would know.”
“Joe said you might not remember the incident.” Grace said.
“So, who do you want to tell you what happened?” asked Rob.
“Well, it depends on who he told first. Who did he tell first?” I asked.
“He told me first,” said Ashley, “He wanted to see me first because he still remembered that I was your best friend.”
“So, will you tell me what happened?”
“Yes. There isn’t that much that he told me.”
“Okay. Just tell it to me.”
“Okay. Both of you had decided to camping. But, we got a call from Joe a day after ya’ll left. Both of you had been severely attacked by what he described as two really big wolves. While you were passed out, Joe had been nearly thrown off a cliff. He wasn’t though because something from the woods distracted them and he watched them tread back through the forest.”
“Have you seen Joe yet?” asked Zubin.
“No, but I want to so I can thank him for saving my life. Have you seen him?”
They stared at one another and finally back at me.
“Yes. But we saw him about an hour and half after the surgery and he looked absolutely horrible. We haven’t seen him since then, except for once, two days ago. He looked better than when we saw him the first time. Are you sure you want to see him?” asked Grace.
“Yes. Yes I do. I miss him so much.”
“Okay. But you’ll have to be on crutches to get over there,” Said Mina.
“Fine.” Mina got some crutches while I pulled myself to the edge of the bed to sit up. She came back and she and my mom helped me up onto the crutches.
While I made my way across the room, Mina had pulled back the curtain until it uncovered Joe’s face. I scanned up and down the bed and finally looked at his face. He looked almost exactly as it did before, except there were only a few small scars on his right cheek. When I looked at his forehead, there was a bandage, like mine, on it. His eyes were closed and he seemed to be breathing just fine. He was sleeping peacefully. I leaned against the bed and let go of one of the crutches and leaned it against the bed.
“He looks just fine, except for his arm, leg, and forehead. We don’t know how either of you were able to heal so quickly.”
“I don’t know why either.” I then reached my right hand to his and placed it on his very lightly. Almost immediately, his eyes fluttered open, and his head turned until his eyes were gazing into mine.
“So you’re finally awake.” He said.
“Yes. And thank you so much for saving for my life. It’s the best thing you could’ve possibly done for me.” I said while wiping away a tear that was rolling down my cheek.
“It’s no big deal, considering all the great things you’ve done for me, it’s the least I could do. Did Ashley tell you what happened?”
“Umm. We have to go so; we’ll see you guys tomorrow. By the way, are you guys going to watch the Late Late Show?” said Jessica.
“Of course. I haven’t seen it in forever. And I am up for some laughs.” I answered back.
“Me, too.” Said Joe.
“Okay. We’ll see you guys in a while. It was great to see you after so long, Serena.” My mom said.
“It was great to see you too, mom. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I hugged her, and everybody else, goodbye. Finally, I turned back to Joe, who had just finished hugging Grace, and stared at his bandage until his eyes were glaring at me so hardly that I couldn’t help but glare back at them. We sat in silence for a few moments. But I couldn’t help but crack a smile. He had on his “Bora” expression, which was where he raised one eyebrow and lowered the other. Finally, I broke out laughing. He followed a few seconds later. When we stopped, he took my hands in his.
“I really did miss you. I love you a lot. I’m glad we’re together. And it really was no big deal, you know, saving your life. I just felt like I owed it to you.”
“It was a big deal. I love you too, Joe. I’m glad we’re together, too.” I said while blushing and I lowered my head, while another tear rolled down my cheek. Joe wiped it off. He then lifted my head up until my eyes met his. Suddenly, he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. I suddenly felt a surge go through my body and I relaxed. The kiss lasted a few seconds, but it felt amazing.
“Wow!” I said.
“What time is it?”
“It’s 10 o’ clock in the evening. Wow time flies. It’s been three hours since I’ve woken up and it passed like one.” I then leaned into him and gave him a hug. A few seconds later, he put both of his arms around me. We stayed there for about ten minutes, not wanting to let go. But we knew we had to. I propped myself up again and grabbed both of the crutches and was able to stand up on them. It only took a few strides to get back to my bed. Then I got back to my bed and put the crutches up against the wall behind it. I pulled my MacBook out of its bag, put it on the swivel tray, and turned it on.
When I looked at Joe’s face again, I remembered how much I loved him before the incident and how much more I loved him now that I found out he had saved my life. I found it hardest to believe that some of my powers had been transferred to him. I sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed the crutches and was able to stabilize myself on them. But I put one back against the wall and then the other. Finally, I just limped all the way to his hospital bed. I removed the bandage from his forehead ever so lightly and saw the cut that was almost completely healed. I really didn’t mind the sight of cuts or blood or anything medical related.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“I’m just checking on your ankle. What else would I be doing?
“I don’t know.”
“Does your ankle hurt at all?”
“No. It stopped hurting while I was asleep, I guess.”
“Yes. Now feel your forehead.” He then reached his good hand to his forehead and a shocked expression swallowed his tired face.
“I can’t believe it’s gone.”
“Yes. But there is a light scar where it used to be. You really can’t see it unless you look at your forehead a certain way or in a certain light.”
“It’s almost time for the show. Luckily, the closest people are a few doors down. So I’m going to go back to my bed.” I said, but before I limped back, I leaned towards Joe and kissed him lightly on the cheek, not caring about the rough patch of scars that was on it. He then pulled me into another bear hug and kissed me on the top of my head. We stayed like that for about five more minutes and I finally limped back to my bed and then sat on the edge of it until I found the remote on the swivel tray, picked it up and turned onto the television. I flipped through the channels until I found CBS, which was rolling the credits for The Late Show. I looked at the television on the other side of the room and it was on as well.
Over the next hour, we laughed and smiled at almost all of Craig’s jokes. We didn’t feel tired until the credits rolled, so we shut off the televisions, said good night to each other, and drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, I woke up to Meena unwrapping the bandages on my forehead.
“Hey! You’re awake! I have a question for you.” She said a little bit excitedly.
“Yeah. What is it?” I asked curiously.
“Do you have any idea why Joe’s cut has completely healed?” she asked.
“We were talking last night and he asked me to take off the bandages off of his forehead and when I did, there was a light scar.”
“Ohh. And by the way, it’s 11 a.m. We took Joe into an x-ray room about half an hour ago to check on his ankle and it was completely healed. How weird is that?”
“That’s pretty weird. But then again, he only twisted it.”
“Yeah. But anyway, are you hungry?”
“Yeah. Very. What is there to eat for lunch?”
“We have spaghetti and meatballs as the entrée, garlic bread as the side, and for drinks, you can choose from milk, soda, or iced tea.”
“Okay. I’ll have that and some Sprite.” When she left the room, I looked over at Joe and I was surprised by what he was doing. He was typing on his MacBook, but he was mainly using his left hand, yet he was still typing pretty quickly.
“How are you able to type so fast?”
“Don’t you usually ask that question a dozen times? Whenever I brainstorm, I usually end up typing fast, no matter what. Even when something like this happens.” He then smiled at me and I returned with a huge laugh out loud grin. He then slightly chuckled.
“I’ve always liked that smile. It never fails to make me laugh, or even brighten my day.”
“Aww. Thanks, Joe. But I’ve been thinking about something…”
“What?”
“How are we going to be able to perform at our concerts when our arms and legs are still in horrible shape?”
“We don’t have any shows coming that soon. The next concert won’t be until probably in May.”
“Okay, I just wanted to make sure. I’m sure our arms and legs will be healed by then.” I then smiled at him and he smiled back. Finally, Mina came back with my food, and I waited until she left the room and Joe turned back to his laptop, to devour it.
About two weeks later, Joe and I are able to leave the hospital. Claire would come to pick me up and had called me about an hour before she supposed to come pick me up. She told me that she was going to bring a surprise guest that really wanted to see us.
During those two weeks, the cuts on our arms and legs and the one on my forehead had almost completely healed. All that were left were faint scars. Joe’s parents and sisters had come to visit him a week earlier and were very ecstatic that he was still alive. They were even more ecstatic that he was almost completely healed. They were impressed that he was able to save my life and his own.
When Claire finally arrived at the hospital, we had all of our bags packed and we were waiting in the lobby, fully dressed. Claire finally came through the door with a girl that was about as tall as her thigh. The thing that really stood out about the girl was her pink hair. Her hair was styled like Rini’s from Sailor Moon…
And that’s when I realized it.
“Rini!” I squealed.
“Serena!!!” Rini said happily as she ran towards me. I took my arm off of Joe, knelt down, opened my arms, and embraced her in a hug.
“Rini, it’s so great to see you.”
“It’s great to see you, too, Serena,” she said s I let go of her.
“What about me?” Joe asked with fake sad pout as he knelt down.
“I didn’t forget about you, Joe,” she said as she hugged him. Joe then grinned as he hugged her back.
“Are you ready to have fun with me and Joe?” I asked enthusiastically.
“Always. Especially after spending time with Aunt Claire.” She said as she giggled. Joe and I chuckled as we each grabbed one of each of our bags off of the floor and headed towards the car. All in all, seeing Rini, having my head on Joe’s shoulder, and finally getting out of the hospital, I felt great. The only other things I had to look forward to were all the adventures I was going to have with the rest of the Pretty Committee and Tally Hall. And I know that everything was all right again.
Even though there would be some bumps in the road of all these soon to be adventures, but they would smoothed out eventually and I looked forward to each and every one of them. And I knew everyone else looked forward to and knew about what the future might hold for them and were going to do whatever it takes to get there.

Aloha, Serena! It’s me, Roo! Get ready for the critique of lifetime!

First of all, I’d like to congratulate you---you said this was your first attempt at writing a story, right?---that’s so great! Keep it up! I’m really impressed. Keep writing and keep your chin up, you’re doing fine! Also, keep posting, because I want to read more from you, missy!

Here are a few spots where I noticed things you might want to look over:

Lying there, I wondered where I was and how I had gotten there.

You rarely ever want to use the same word in one sentence twice. The ‘there’ thing sounds repetitive, but it’s easily fixed with something like: “I knew where I was, but I wasn’t sure how I had gotten there.” With ‘lying there’, you don’t know where ‘there’ is, so it’s a bit of a brain-full to not know where there is first, and then not know how she got there too, you know?

I was lying on an unexpectedly comfy hospital bed,

I would try deleting the word “unexpectedly”. It sounds blocky, like the word is sitting awkwardly on top of the sentence instead of flowing naturally with it. “I was lying in a hospital bed with bandages wrapped….” sounds just fine.

with bandages wrapped around my left arm and right leg.

Okay, here’s me being a nag, and severely nitpicky: ‘around my left arm and right leg’ is too much of a discomfited mouthful. I might save the detail-details for later on, and just stick with ‘around my arm and leg’ to keep things very smooth.

They looked like they had been replaced not too long ago.

More nitpickiness, I feel like such a badger! You’re doing fine, but this sentence isn’t needed.

Luckily, all my hair was still there.

Haha, good! You gave us a taste of what the character’s really thinking!

I couldn’t imagine losing my long, blonde, wavy hair.

Optional: take out one adjective and save it for later, for the sake of flow. “Long blonde hair”, “Wavy blonde hair”, “Long wavy hair”, you get it.

“I think I’m fine,” I said feebly, “Although, I don’t know, or remember, what happened to me, or how I got here. Luckily, I still remember everything before that.”

For somebody so weak, your narrator seems to be blathering a bit, and using a lot of words. In my opinion, I would tone it down to: “’I think I’m fine,’ I said feebly, ‘But I don’t know what happened to me.’” -insert anxiety or stressful bout of tryingto remember, but failing, here-

“Can I have some hot cocoa, please?” I asked meekly.

Ha ha ha, wow, she knows what she wants! That’s good, strong character building.

“Okay.” I lie in the bed

Okay, you either made a tense slip-up here (past to present), or you just typoed. I think you meant something like “I laid back in bed” probably.

and took a closer look at my surroundings. The bed sheets were a pale shade of yellow. On top of it was my favorite red and blue cotton blanket that I usually kept on my bed at the apartment I lived in with the rest of the band. New paragraphI was trying to make out who was lying on the bed on the other side of the curtain, but it was very hard to see through. New paragraphI looked at the swivel tray and picked up my iPod. I put the headphones in my ears and scrolled through the albums until I found my favorite one, Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum and started the album from the first song, Good Day. I started bobbing my head to the beat and picked up the first card on the stack. New paragraph The front of it said ‘We miss you and hope you feel better soon’, with a flower in a meadow in the background. I opened the card and inside was a truly beautiful, heartfelt message. And signed underneath the message was ‘Sincerely your older sister, Claire’ with a heart next to her name.

The above block of text has a lot of telling rather than showing going on, which is a BIG problem I have, too. Things that sound like what you would say to your Mom when she asks ‘How was your day at school?’ are Telling things, not Showing things.

Like: “I looked at the swivel tray and picked up my iPod. I put the headphones in my ears and scrolled through the albums until I found my favorite one, Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum and started the album from the first song, Good Day”. That was a long and pointless sentence, unless Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum or the song ‘Good Day’ are going to be a large part in the plot of your story. Remember, less is more. Keep unneeded details trimmed into nice round shapes like: “I spotted my iPod on the swivel and put my headphones in. Once I’d found my favorite song---head bobbing to the beat---I picked up the first card on the stack”.

The card also, and its description, was unnecessary in moving your story along. Your reader doesn’t need to know about the picture on the front or the heartfelt message if we do not get to read it. Leave it at: “The first was a beautiful note from my sister, Claire”.

I had put on a coat of the strawberry-flavored, red-tinted lip-gloss.

Whoa. Random. This detail isn’t needed and it’s completely off topic in that paragraph, girly. Delete!

But considering the state he was in, he was about to pass out and his ankle was twisted, a cut on his forehead like yours, and severe cuts on his left leg and right arm, we had to take you both in at the same time and you both went straight to the OR to get all the gunk out of your arms, legs, and heads.

First of all, this sentence is waaaaaay too long! Don’t worry, I’m the queen of run-on’s, and this is nothing compared to some of mine! Plus I feel like there’s a lot of mindless blabbing going on with details that don’t sound legit coming from the nurse’s mouth. Here’s what I mean, like, the nurse never actually says how your narrator got into the hospital---a car wreck? Then she’s all factual and going on and on when she’s like “He was about to pass out, his ankle was twisted, a cut on his forehead, severe cuts on his left leg and right arm, blah blah blah”. Keep it simple, keep us interested, keep the story moving. (Sorry I keep saying that!!!) Try: “He told us to take you first, but he was in critical condition, too, we had to rush both of you to the O.R.”

“Thank you, Mina. What’s today’s date and what time is it? And where am I? Am I still in New York City?”

Lotsa questions… How about: “Thanks. How long was I out?” And that’s when Mina says, like, “A week, it’s March 16, hon.”

“Thank you. You can let them in. < ------ Comma, not period!” I said,

shocked to find out that my friend was on the other side of the curtain

I can’t tell if you just never say “the friend’s name” or if you’re keeping it a surprise, but from this point it just seems like everybody just keeps calling him “friend” and she knows who that is, but isn’t disclosing that information… Am I just being dim-witted?

When Mina opened the door, in came my parents, Sarah and David, my sibs: Claire, Jessica, Anna, and Billy, and my friends: Ashley, Zubin, Grace, and Rob. The first people to come give me a hug were Jessica and Claire. They engulfed me and I nearly busted out crying. They leaned back until they were standing again. Then my parents hugged me and it was like a big bear hug. Anna and Billy were twins and seemed very eager to hug me. Ashley, Zubin, Rob, and Grace engulfed me in a group hug, and two tears rolled down my cheeks.

Information overload!!! You’ve got to give us people in pieces, let us get to know them over time and not all in one big glob of names and who hugged first and how… Again, this is telling instead of showing. Use your word-power, love.

“I’m so happy to see you guys. < ---- Oops! Comma, not period!” I said

“We are, too. You almost didn’t make it. We are just glad you’re alive. < ---comma” Claire said.

“I brought your laptop, just in case you felt like writing a story, if you are able to still type. < --- Ha ha, commas, love, not periods.” My dad said.

they smiled at each other as if saying jinx.

Good simile!

Dear Serena,

Aha! Your namesake.

You and Joe had decided to go camping two weeks ago. You were going to be gone from Friday until Sunday afternoon, and then you would come back.

For me it sort of seemed like she had most of her memories, just not of the accident. So, it seemed sort of strange when her friend tells her what they were doing. She might say “when you went camping two weeks ago, blah blah blah…” Also, the dates are very unimportant and bulky, trim them off, or at least have your main character interrupt and say “How long was I camping for?” or something, if you reallywant to let everyone know that they were s’posed to be gone from Friday to Sunday, which I don’t know why you would… Ha ha, okay, I’m rambling. I’ll stop.

They had knocked you out, but luckily he was able to make it and he wasn’t hit as hard as you were when you got knocked out.

Twice in one sentence, see? This one’s easy: just trade out one ‘knocked out’ for a different word for it. There are plenty, unconscious, passed out, fainted, etc.

So he carried you to his car, drove all the way here, and carried you in. He’s in worse shape than you because he was guarding you from the wolves. They nearly threw him off the cliff, but they dropped him a few feet from the edge because a noise distracted and they treaded back through the forest.

I really like this description of what happened up until ‘but they dropped him a few feet from the edge because a noise distracted them and they treaded back through the forest.’ It’d be simpler if you left it at: “They nearly threw him off the cliff”. It sounds much more impressive. Also, in normal conversation, people don’t usually use verbs like ‘treaded’ lightly.

He also told me you might know why the wolves were so big. We couldn’t figure out why.”

“I do know why. Those weren’t normal wolves. And I just know that they weren’t mutated. They were werewolves.”

I thought she didn’t remember this incident though… why does she know that they’re werewolves all of a sudden…?

“Okay. But you’ll have to be on crutches to get over there. < ----- I think you know what I’m going to say… Comma! Not period! ” Said Mina.

pulled back the curtain until it covered up < --- ‘Uncovered’ maybe, covered doesn’t make sense Joe’s face.

When I finally got to bedside and looked at his face, I gasped. His face looked almost exactly as it did before, except there were only a few small scars on his right cheek.

If he looks the same except for a “few small cuts”, why does she gasp?

When I looked at his forehead, there was a bandage on it, like mine, [s]on it.[/s] [/quote

“Oh. Really? Thanks for figuring it out.” He adjusted himself in the bed until his face was level with mine. “It was a good thing you read New Moon, or we would’ve never been able to figure out what they really were.”

“Actually, we would have. Laurel has read New Moon and the rest of the Twilight series.”

Ooookay. Does Joe really accept that there are werewolves so quickly? Seriously? Just because she’s read ‘New Moon’? Okay, I’m having a lot of trouble with this. It’s like: ‘Oh, by the way, it was werewolves.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘Sounds good, they’re real because of New Moon.’ ‘Kthxbai.’ You might want to look over this one and rewrite some things, reconsider, you know? I loved Twilight, too, but you need to have your own kind of werewolf, girly.

“Wow. I didn’t think that could happen. It could only happen if you had a child that came from two magical parents.

Erm… “Gee I have magical powers, no big deal” is sort of what I’m getting from this. I’m trying not to sound to evil, but you need to really think about this. Werewolves and magical powers aren’t topics that are discussed like the weather or what sounds good for dinner… Topic = huge, reaction = huge.

Over the next two hours, I spent most of my time talking to friends over AIM and Facebook until I finally decided to be time to say my goodbyes. When I looked over at Joe, he was fast asleep. I noticed on his swivel tray, he had his Mac Book, a science fiction novel about Hawaii, and his iPhone.

This paragraph isn’t really necessary, delete it if you want to.

“How are you able to type so fast.”< --- Question mark

When Claire finally arrived at the hospital, we had all of our bags packed and we were waiting in the lobby, fully dressed. Joe wore relaxed jeans, a white button down golf shirt, and some beige, semi-beat down flip-flops. I wore a black skirt, a red v-neck shirt, and my favorite gold high heels. When we saw Claire’s yellow and black Mini Cooper pull up, we stood up and I put one arm around Joe’s shoulder because my leg still hurt a bit and was still bandaged up. We each had one bag slung on our shoulders. There were four bags on the floor next to us. Claire came through the door with a girl that was about as tall as her thigh. The girl wore black shorts, a red cap sleeved, flare out shirtdress, and white wedges. The thing that really stood out on her was her pink hair. Her hair was styled like Rini’s from Sailor Moon…

Whoa. Detail overload. You don’t need most of that sentence, just chop it all out…

“Serena!!!” Rini said happily as she ran towards me. I took my arm off of Joe, knelt down, opened my arms, and embraced her in a hug.

“Rini, it’s so great to see you. I see you still wear your silver crystal on whatever you wear.”

“Of course. But where’s yours?”

“I have it hidden somewhere special. Are you ready to have some fun with me and Joe?”

Mmkay. Your reader has no idea who Rini is, what these crystal things are, or if suddenly this is an episode of Sailor Moon. Is this a Sailor Moon-ish fan-fic-thing? If yes, then you should have made that known from the beginning. If not, then….. I’m confused. Ha ha, or maybe I’m just stupid. But you do need to make something more clear, because I have no idea where you’re going with this.

Even though there would be some bumps in the road of all these soon to be adventures, but they would smoothed out eventually and I looked forward to each and every one of them. And I knew everyone else looked forward to and knew about what the future might hold for them and were going to do whatever it takes to get there.

This is a good wrap-up paragraph. It’s thoughtful, leaving your reader to think about what’ll happen, the adventures Serena will have, in the future. Nice.


Character Development:
Serena seemed like a pretty level-headed, thoughtful girl, who was very likeable. It was obviously that people cared about her---her family, friends---and she won over the nurse, too, which showed that she had charisma and amiability. She keeps a keen eye out for detail in everything---other people, herself, her surroundings---that’s a good trait to have. From what I saw of Serena, she seemed optimistic and poised and loveable, good job. One of her shortcomings is that in a piece so small, it’s hard to get to know a character, so you’ve really got to pour her into the story even in the small time that you have. You need to incorporate Serena as a person, even if we can’t have 350 pages to get to know her, in a smaller dosage.

Dialogue:
I have mixed feelings about the dialogue in this story because sometimes you handled it fabulously and sometimes you seemed to struggle with it a little bit. In order to keep speech from sounding false, stuffy, or unrealistic, try reading the words aloud (use voices, it’s funner! ) to make sure they sound like something a real person would actually say. Make sure you keep the right amount of emotion in their script as well.

Description:
You really know how to describe things, and you always keep your eyes opened, looking for things that might be missed. Excellent! One of the problems I think that you have (Don’t fret! It isn’t a bad one!) is that your keen eye for details sometimes goes from well-described to too descriptive. You need to sort out what is and isn’t necessary to moving the story along, what’ll bore your readers or what’ll keep them entertained, and what is useful detail and what is just blah detail.

Plot:
Overall, good plot, good solid in-hospital story. I felt like some parts (you know which ones I mean, from my nitpicks) you need to look over and reconsider to make them seem more realistic, dear, but don’t beat yourself about it.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Very clean grammar, just watch out for those commas, hahaha!
Yay, Serena! This was your first story and you handled it beautifully! Polish this baby up and it’ll shine! PM me with any questions or concerns, or if you post anything new that you want reviewed! I’d [u]love[/u[ to do it for you anytime, dear. I hope I wasn’t too harsh for you, I think this might be your first critique? I feel sort of evil now… (MUHAHAHA! ) Er… ha ha, it was fun reviewing this for you, Serena, you’re going to be a great writer.

Here’s my love: Congrats, team mate!

<3,
-Roo

Aloha, Serena! It’s me, Roo! Get ready for the critique of lifetime!

First of all, I’d like to congratulate you---you said this was your first attempt at writing a story, right?---that’s so great! Keep it up! I’m really impressed. Keep writing and keep your chin up, you’re doing fine! Also, keep posting, because I want to read more from you, missy!

Here are a few spots where I noticed things you might want to look over:

Lying there, I wondered where I was and how I had gotten there.

You rarely ever want to use the same word in one sentence twice. The ‘there’ thing sounds repetitive, but it’s easily fixed with something like: “I knew where I was, but I wasn’t sure how I had gotten there.” With ‘lying there’, you don’t know where ‘there’ is, so it’s a bit of a brain-full to not know where there is first, and then not know how she got there too, you know?

I was lying on an unexpectedly comfy hospital bed,

I would try deleting the word “unexpectedly”. It sounds blocky, like the word is sitting awkwardly on top of the sentence instead of flowing naturally with it. “I was lying in a hospital bed with bandages wrapped….” sounds just fine.

with bandages wrapped around my left arm and right leg.

Okay, here’s me being a nag, and severely nitpicky: ‘around my left arm and right leg’ is too much of a discomfited mouthful. I might save the detail-details for later on, and just stick with ‘around my arm and leg’ to keep things very smooth.

They looked like they had been replaced not too long ago.

More nitpickiness, I feel like such a badger! You’re doing fine, but this sentence isn’t needed.

Luckily, all my hair was still there.

Haha, good! You gave us a taste of what the character’s really thinking!

I couldn’t imagine losing my long, blonde, wavy hair.

Optional: take out one adjective and save it for later, for the sake of flow. “Long blonde hair”, “Wavy blonde hair”, “Long wavy hair”, you get it.

“I think I’m fine,” I said feebly, “Although, I don’t know, or remember, what happened to me, or how I got here. Luckily, I still remember everything before that.”

For somebody so weak, your narrator seems to be blathering a bit, and using a lot of words. In my opinion, I would tone it down to: “’I think I’m fine,’ I said feebly, ‘But I don’t know what happened to me.’” -insert anxiety or stressful bout of tryingto remember, but failing, here-

“Can I have some hot cocoa, please?” I asked meekly.

Ha ha ha, wow, she knows what she wants! That’s good, strong character building.

“Okay.” I lie in the bed

Okay, you either made a tense slip-up here (past to present), or you just typoed. I think you meant something like “I laid back in bed” probably.

and took a closer look at my surroundings. The bed sheets were a pale shade of yellow. On top of it was my favorite red and blue cotton blanket that I usually kept on my bed at the apartment I lived in with the rest of the band. New paragraphI was trying to make out who was lying on the bed on the other side of the curtain, but it was very hard to see through. New paragraphI looked at the swivel tray and picked up my iPod. I put the headphones in my ears and scrolled through the albums until I found my favorite one, Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum and started the album from the first song, Good Day. I started bobbing my head to the beat and picked up the first card on the stack. New paragraph The front of it said ‘We miss you and hope you feel better soon’, with a flower in a meadow in the background. I opened the card and inside was a truly beautiful, heartfelt message. And signed underneath the message was ‘Sincerely your older sister, Claire’ with a heart next to her name.

The above block of text has a lot of telling rather than showing going on, which is a BIG problem I have, too. Things that sound like what you would say to your Mom when she asks ‘How was your day at school?’ are Telling things, not Showing things.

Like: “I looked at the swivel tray and picked up my iPod. I put the headphones in my ears and scrolled through the albums until I found my favorite one, Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum and started the album from the first song, Good Day”. That was a long and pointless sentence, unless Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum or the song ‘Good Day’ are going to be a large part in the plot of your story. Remember, less is more. Keep unneeded details trimmed into nice round shapes like: “I spotted my iPod on the swivel and put my headphones in. Once I’d found my favorite song---head bobbing to the beat---I picked up the first card on the stack”.

The card also, and its description, was unnecessary in moving your story along. Your reader doesn’t need to know about the picture on the front or the heartfelt message if we do not get to read it. Leave it at: “The first was a beautiful note from my sister, Claire”.

I had put on a coat of the strawberry-flavored, red-tinted lip-gloss.

Whoa. Random. This detail isn’t needed and it’s completely off topic in that paragraph, girly. Delete!

But considering the state he was in, he was about to pass out and his ankle was twisted, a cut on his forehead like yours, and severe cuts on his left leg and right arm, we had to take you both in at the same time and you both went straight to the OR to get all the gunk out of your arms, legs, and heads.

First of all, this sentence is waaaaaay too long! Don’t worry, I’m the queen of run-on’s, and this is nothing compared to some of mine! Plus I feel like there’s a lot of mindless blabbing going on with details that don’t sound legit coming from the nurse’s mouth. Here’s what I mean, like, the nurse never actually says how your narrator got into the hospital---a car wreck? Then she’s all factual and going on and on when she’s like “He was about to pass out, his ankle was twisted, a cut on his forehead, severe cuts on his left leg and right arm, blah blah blah”. Keep it simple, keep us interested, keep the story moving. (Sorry I keep saying that!!!) Try: “He told us to take you first, but he was in critical condition, too, we had to rush both of you to the O.R.”

“Thank you, Mina. What’s today’s date and what time is it? And where am I? Am I still in New York City?”

Lotsa questions… How about: “Thanks. How long was I out?” And that’s when Mina says, like, “A week, it’s March 16, hon.”

“Thank you. You can let them in. < ------ Comma, not period!” I said,

shocked to find out that my friend was on the other side of the curtain

I can’t tell if you just never say “the friend’s name” or if you’re keeping it a surprise, but from this point it just seems like everybody just keeps calling him “friend” and she knows who that is, but isn’t disclosing that information… Am I just being dim-witted?

When Mina opened the door, in came my parents, Sarah and David, my sibs: Claire, Jessica, Anna, and Billy, and my friends: Ashley, Zubin, Grace, and Rob. The first people to come give me a hug were Jessica and Claire. They engulfed me and I nearly busted out crying. They leaned back until they were standing again. Then my parents hugged me and it was like a big bear hug. Anna and Billy were twins and seemed very eager to hug me. Ashley, Zubin, Rob, and Grace engulfed me in a group hug, and two tears rolled down my cheeks.

Information overload!!! You’ve got to give us people in pieces, let us get to know them over time and not all in one big glob of names and who hugged first and how… Again, this is telling instead of showing. Use your word-power, love.

“I’m so happy to see you guys. < ---- Oops! Comma, not period!” I said

“We are, too. You almost didn’t make it. We are just glad you’re alive. < ---comma” Claire said.

“I brought your laptop, just in case you felt like writing a story, if you are able to still type. < --- Ha ha, commas, love, not periods.” My dad said.

they smiled at each other as if saying jinx.

Good simile!

Dear Serena,

Aha! Your namesake.

You and Joe had decided to go camping two weeks ago. You were going to be gone from Friday until Sunday afternoon, and then you would come back.

For me it sort of seemed like she had most of her memories, just not of the accident. So, it seemed sort of strange when her friend tells her what they were doing. She might say “when you went camping two weeks ago, blah blah blah…” Also, the dates are very unimportant and bulky, trim them off, or at least have your main character interrupt and say “How long was I camping for?” or something, if you reallywant to let everyone know that they were s’posed to be gone from Friday to Sunday, which I don’t know why you would… Ha ha, okay, I’m rambling. I’ll stop.

They had knocked you out, but luckily he was able to make it and he wasn’t hit as hard as you were when you got knocked out.

Twice in one sentence, see? This one’s easy: just trade out one ‘knocked out’ for a different word for it. There are plenty, unconscious, passed out, fainted, etc.

So he carried you to his car, drove all the way here, and carried you in. He’s in worse shape than you because he was guarding you from the wolves. They nearly threw him off the cliff, but they dropped him a few feet from the edge because a noise distracted and they treaded back through the forest.

I really like this description of what happened up until ‘but they dropped him a few feet from the edge because a noise distracted them and they treaded back through the forest.’ It’d be simpler if you left it at: “They nearly threw him off the cliff”. It sounds much more impressive. Also, in normal conversation, people don’t usually use verbs like ‘treaded’ lightly.

He also told me you might know why the wolves were so big. We couldn’t figure out why.”

“I do know why. Those weren’t normal wolves. And I just know that they weren’t mutated. They were werewolves.”

I thought she didn’t remember this incident though… why does she know that they’re werewolves all of a sudden…?

“Okay. But you’ll have to be on crutches to get over there. < ----- I think you know what I’m going to say… Comma! Not period! ” Said Mina.

pulled back the curtain until it covered up < --- ‘Uncovered’ maybe, covered doesn’t make sense Joe’s face.

When I finally got to bedside and looked at his face, I gasped. His face looked almost exactly as it did before, except there were only a few small scars on his right cheek.

If he looks the same except for a “few small cuts”, why does she gasp?

When I looked at his forehead, there was a bandage on it, like mine, [s]on it.[/s] [/quote

“Oh. Really? Thanks for figuring it out.” He adjusted himself in the bed until his face was level with mine. “It was a good thing you read New Moon, or we would’ve never been able to figure out what they really were.”

“Actually, we would have. Laurel has read New Moon and the rest of the Twilight series.”

Ooookay. Does Joe really accept that there are werewolves so quickly? Seriously? Just because she’s read ‘New Moon’? Okay, I’m having a lot of trouble with this. It’s like: ‘Oh, by the way, it was werewolves.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘Sounds good, they’re real because of New Moon.’ ‘Kthxbai.’ You might want to look over this one and rewrite some things, reconsider, you know? I loved Twilight, too, but you need to have your own kind of werewolf, girly.

“Wow. I didn’t think that could happen. It could only happen if you had a child that came from two magical parents.

Erm… “Gee I have magical powers, no big deal” is sort of what I’m getting from this. I’m trying not to sound to evil, but you need to really think about this. Werewolves and magical powers aren’t topics that are discussed like the weather or what sounds good for dinner… Topic = huge, reaction = huge.

Over the next two hours, I spent most of my time talking to friends over AIM and Facebook until I finally decided to be time to say my goodbyes. When I looked over at Joe, he was fast asleep. I noticed on his swivel tray, he had his Mac Book, a science fiction novel about Hawaii, and his iPhone.

This paragraph isn’t really necessary, delete it if you want to.

“How are you able to type so fast.”< --- Question mark

When Claire finally arrived at the hospital, we had all of our bags packed and we were waiting in the lobby, fully dressed. Joe wore relaxed jeans, a white button down golf shirt, and some beige, semi-beat down flip-flops. I wore a black skirt, a red v-neck shirt, and my favorite gold high heels. When we saw Claire’s yellow and black Mini Cooper pull up, we stood up and I put one arm around Joe’s shoulder because my leg still hurt a bit and was still bandaged up. We each had one bag slung on our shoulders. There were four bags on the floor next to us. Claire came through the door with a girl that was about as tall as her thigh. The girl wore black shorts, a red cap sleeved, flare out shirtdress, and white wedges. The thing that really stood out on her was her pink hair. Her hair was styled like Rini’s from Sailor Moon…

Whoa. Detail overload. You don’t need most of that sentence, just chop it all out…

“Serena!!!” Rini said happily as she ran towards me. I took my arm off of Joe, knelt down, opened my arms, and embraced her in a hug.

“Rini, it’s so great to see you. I see you still wear your silver crystal on whatever you wear.”

“Of course. But where’s yours?”

“I have it hidden somewhere special. Are you ready to have some fun with me and Joe?”

Mmkay. Your reader has no idea who Rini is, what these crystal things are, or if suddenly this is an episode of Sailor Moon. Is this a Sailor Moon-ish fan-fic-thing? If yes, then you should have made that known from the beginning. If not, then….. I’m confused. Ha ha, or maybe I’m just stupid. But you do need to make something more clear, because I have no idea where you’re going with this.

Even though there would be some bumps in the road of all these soon to be adventures, but they would smoothed out eventually and I looked forward to each and every one of them. And I knew everyone else looked forward to and knew about what the future might hold for them and were going to do whatever it takes to get there.

This is a good wrap-up paragraph. It’s thoughtful, leaving your reader to think about what’ll happen, the adventures Serena will have, in the future. Nice.


Character Development:
Serena seemed like a pretty level-headed, thoughtful girl, who was very likeable. It was obviously that people cared about her---her family, friends---and she won over the nurse, too, which showed that she had charisma and amiability. She keeps a keen eye out for detail in everything---other people, herself, her surroundings---that’s a good trait to have. From what I saw of Serena, she seemed optimistic and poised and loveable, good job. One of her shortcomings is that in a piece so small, it’s hard to get to know a character, so you’ve really got to pour her into the story even in the small time that you have. You need to incorporate Serena as a person, even if we can’t have 350 pages to get to know her, in a smaller dosage.

Dialogue:
I have mixed feelings about the dialogue in this story because sometimes you handled it fabulously and sometimes you seemed to struggle with it a little bit. In order to keep speech from sounding false, stuffy, or unrealistic, try reading the words aloud (use voices, it’s funner! ) to make sure they sound like something a real person would actually say. Make sure you keep the right amount of emotion in their script as well.

Description:
You really know how to describe things, and you always keep your eyes opened, looking for things that might be missed. Excellent! One of the problems I think that you have (Don’t fret! It isn’t a bad one!) is that your keen eye for details sometimes goes from well-described to too descriptive. You need to sort out what is and isn’t necessary to moving the story along, what’ll bore your readers or what’ll keep them entertained, and what is useful detail and what is just blah detail.

Plot:
Overall, good plot, good solid in-hospital story. I felt like some parts (you know which ones I mean, from my nitpicks) you need to look over and reconsider to make them seem more realistic, dear, but don’t beat yourself about it.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Very clean grammar, just watch out for those commas, hahaha!
Yay, Serena! This was your first story and you handled it beautifully! Polish this baby up and it’ll shine! PM me with any questions or concerns, or if you post anything new that you want reviewed! I’d [u]love[/u[ to do it for you anytime, dear. I hope I wasn’t too harsh for you, I think this might be your first critique? I feel sort of evil now… (MUHAHAHA! ) Er… ha ha, it was fun reviewing this for you, Serena, you’re going to be a great writer.

Here’s my love: Congrats, team mate!

<3,
-Roo

Sorry I double-posted, Serena! My computer was being a baby!

Hey I'm Gen, and it will be my pleasure to review your work.:smt003

Only a few things

But unfortunately, I am more beat up than you are, according to Meena. This is all I have to say and hope to see you soon enough…

How come Mina writes her name wrong on a letter she's writing?

While you were passed out, Joe had been nearly thrown off a cliff.

It should read 'nearly been' not 'been nearly'.

I also noticed you changed tenses once or twice, IN THE SAME SENTENCE, and you also did a little repeating of yourself. I would like to know more about Rina, and what are Selena's powers? Can she heal fast? Is that all? You changed the spelling of Mina's name half way through the story, and I thought I would point that out. It's not really that long, and if you ask me, you should expand. I liked it, and enjoyed reading it

Hey! I'm Kelly and, uh, I'll just get to the thing now...

Well, cool story. Are you planning to write another? If not then you've a few to many loose ends, but the end kind of suggests that it is the end. If so, this is a really good starting block. =] Only a few things that Roo2 didn't cover...
Um, when you say "Pretty Committee" and "Tally Hall", are you referring to Uglies&Series, or is it just you having your own pretty committee? If its and Uglies, maybe clarify it a bit more, but i doubt it. If it's your own pretty committee, maybe rename it? That totally threw me off. And the thing about her power, how did she get it, is she a super race or is it like a virus that kind of took over her immune system, please clear that up.

so hardly that

change hardly to hard.

=]M Kelly

Hey Serena, sorry it took me so long to get to this! ^^

I knew where I was at that moment, but I wasn’t sure how I had gotten there.

I don't think this is quite effective enough as an opening paragraph. Try for something that gives us a bit more information about the character and her situation. If all else fails, describe where she was at that moment.

Also, as a quick note, check out this tutorial on Dialogue Punctuation. For example:

"Your shirt is blue," said Mary.

The 'said' needs to be un-capitalized, and there's a comma after 'blue'. You might want to just brush up on some your conversations' grammar.

Okay, so. I'm not really buying Joe and Serena's relationship. Everything they say is very formal, very distant. The narration just seems too plain. You're rattling off events, dialogue, description, facts. There's nothing distinctive about the writing right now-- which is fine, especially since this is your first story? --but you'll want to start working on adding some extra pazazz to your prose. How? Metaphors. Analogies. Your description here is basic-- color, size, what everything looks like. But we're not getting any of that deeper, interesting stuff. How do the cards smell? Like friends who care about Serena? Like the pungent scent of blood? What do the sheets feel like? Warm and comforting, keeping her safe? Or like they're strangling her, trapping her in a hospital bed? What emotions does she see in her friends' expressions, besides relief?

There are far too many tears rolling down Serena's face/cheek throughout this story, dear. That's a fine expression to use once or twice, but you need to find some other way to symbolize overwhelming emotion. It gets repetitive. xD

I'm wondering about her reaction to the news. She's in the hospital. They said she's had severe damage. She was out cold for, what, a week? That's a lot of time to lose. I think Serena's being a bit too calm for the whole situation. When Mina (whose name you start spelling Meena halfway through, by the way) doesn't tell her immediately about the accident, Serena just asks for cocoa. xD Which is awesome! That's good characterization. But, still, she'd want to know NOW. And Mina would tell her NOW. And her friends wouldn't keep beating around the bush, asking who she wants to hear it from. They'd probably all tell it, sentence by sentence. And she seems all to calm after hearing the news, too. When she sees Joe, she's all like, "Oh, yes, thanks for saving my life. Now let's watch The Late Show!" It's just not realistic enough. This is big. She could have died, and that leaves its mark on a person.

Your dialogue right now is pretty good. All of your characters seem to be level-headed, none of them jokers. My only suggestion here is to work on defining personalities through dialogue. Right now they all talk the same, which isn't any fun.

The part with Rini doesn't really make any sense. You mention Sailor Moon, and then both of their characters have the same names as those characters, and the pink hair? Is this a fanfiction? If so, you probably need this in fanfiction. If not...if not, I'm a tad confused. xD And what's the Pretty Committee and Tally Hall? Is that a reference to the Uglies series?

So, this just needs to be zapped with a tad more believability and some extra oomph with your descriptions and dialogue! Not bad at all. ^^ PM me for anything else!

~Evi