Love Sucks (Chapter 2)

Here you go, tell me what you be thinking


I continue to stare at the flashing computer screen.Lucas logged out on me. How dumb am I to think he would actually like me? I don’t know how long I sit there staring, and I don’t even bother to worry about how pathetic I’m being. In the end I fall asleep.

I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock.

BZZZZZZZZ, BZZZZZZZZZZ!

I turn to my side table and fumble around until I find the button that shuts off the annoying contraption. I peer to my right, and out my window. The sky is the colour worn jeans, and at the edge of my window the sun intrudes, driving the darkness away. I hear the birds sing their soothing, morning song, and glance at my watch. 7:30am who in their right mind gets up this early? I ask myself. And the answer comes shooting back a student who’s got half an hour to be at school.

I walk to my bathroom groggily and decide the best cure for my sleepy state is a quick shower. I dress casually and leave my hair un-done before running through the hall to the kitchen. Mum’s standing at the stove, making her ‘world famous’ pancakes.

Mmm… I smell the sweet, delicate aroma they create.
“Hi honey, did you sleep well?” Mum asks
“Yep” I reply, “Mmm, that smells fantastic” I say. I try to steal one right out of the pan, but mum gives me a light tap on the hand and I back off. “Hey, I wanted one of those. And you didn’t have to hit me”.
“It was a love tap” she says as if that makes hitting her own daughter any better. “And you can have one when I put one on the table for you”.
“Hmm” I grumble. And I walk to the fridge. I search for the maple syrup and put it on the table. I then reach in and grab an energy drink.
“Hey” says mum as I pop open the lid of the drink. “Those aren’t for the morning”.
“Natures perfect drink, filled with medicinal and soothing qualities” I reply with a cheeky grin.

“So, how are things with Lucas?” Mum asks, a cheeky smile meets the corner of her lips.
“Ugh, I honestly think I might hate him” I reply and flop onto the chair. Almost spilling my drink.
“Honey, what happened?” She asks in a loving mother tone.
I think about this, what did happen? I ask myself “Well, he just keeps leading me on. He isn’t actually ‘going out’ with Victoria, but he just…” Ugh, what to say. “I don’t know mum”.

She looks at me, love and concern pouring from her eyes. She embraces me in a warm, comforting hug.
I think about Tash, and her relationship with her mum. She doesn’t tell her mum anything, well except for that she has a boyfriend and his name is Justin. I don’t know what I would do without my mum.

And with that, I start crying. I sit there, crying on my mother’s shoulder, tears flowing down my cheeks, dampening her clothes.
I don’t really know why I am crying. I guess it’s a lot of reasons really. But those tears continue to stream down my cheeks, some for Lucas, some for me, some for Tash, some for my mum, and some, just because.

When I bring myself to stop, I stare into my mothers eyes, so accepting, caring, kind, and warm. “Thank you” I say with little force, my voice barely a whisper.
“I love you” she says. And with that, I pull myself gently from her embrace, and wipe the tears away from my eyes. I smile at her.
“I love you too” I reply.

I walk back to my room, after eating my pancakes. I don’t bother with make-up today. I have no reason too, why should I be trying to impress someone who doesn’t like me? I pull my hair into a messy bun. Although it is a quick fix to my hair madness, it looks sort of cool, in a spiky, punk sort of way. I slip on my shoes, grab my backpack, and walk to school.

I walk into home-room. Tash is no-where to be seen. After a quick glance around the room and a few ‘Ugh’ looks, I sit in an empty seat towards the front. The teacher gives me a strange look and I just reply with a shrug. Tash is never, ever away, I think. Oh well, I guess there’s a first time for everything.

The teacher looks at the door expectantly, and I notice some-one I have never seen before walks in. “This is Matthew” she explains. He just shrugs.

He has bright blue eyes, and defined cheek bones. His hair is blonde and arranged in a messy mop above his head, spiked in all directions, and a small rat’s tail plaited from the side of his head down to just below his shoulder. He has an ‘I don’t care what you think’ look plastered over his face, and he sits next to me, not bothering to ask it's okay with me.

Great story M.O.

Firstly I'm just kind of wondering what all the characters are like, try build on them. Is Tess dorky or just wears glasses. And where does Alissa stand socially? I'm guessing in a Love Story you want to know who's the king, queen, peasants, noble men etc.

Then Lucas, good job with him. (Nice choice of name by the way)

Maybe you should try and let us understand Alissa's history. Has she had a tragic love life, is this like her second crush ever?

You did a good job with her mother. By letting her mom be informed you made it there will always be someone she can confide in, which you can really expand on in either direction.

Maybe you should try and tie in the blood thing by maybe having Tess rant about her bad luck in everything.

Overall: It's a great story and I really like the ending, just her luck eh? The main thing you should try is character descriptions. Try tell us about Alissa and Tess like how you did with Lucas and Alissa's mom.

Great Story.

Thanks, will do. I agree with the history thing. And well yeah, it still needs a bit of work. Thanks heaps for the review.

~Mo.

Hi Mo, it's me again OxfordandOnyx... Here to review! (:

First off, I am happy to see you took more of my advice and started a separate line for each new character speaking. How much easier is it to read now? And how much tidier does it look?

I continue to stare.

I have to admit I don't really like the opening line- it doesn't hook me at all and it feels rather incomplete. Maybe expand this sentence and put what the main character is staring at... maybe she is "staring into space"?

I think you have really developed the relationship between the character and the mother in this chapter. In the first, you hinted she was close to her but now the reader sees how much the main character's mother means to her. However, you often repeat the word 'loving' or 'love' a lot when describing her mum. Try using different words or cutting the word out altogether as at times, it is unnecessary.

She embraces me in a warm, loving hug.

As in the previous sentence you have already used the word 'love', I would cut the word 'loving' out of this, as the reader already knows the mother is 'loving'. There is no need to repeat yourself.

When I bring myself to stop, I stare into my mothers loving eyes, so acceptable, caring, understanding, peaceful, kind, and warm.

The word 'loving' pop up here again! Also, you use the word 'acceptable' in the wrong context- I think you were looking for accepting.
Maybe cut out and drop some words (as this is a bit long winded), so you rephrase the sentence to, (for example!) "...I stare into my mothers eyes, caring, understanding, kind and warm."

Tash is never, never away,

I think the phrase you are looking for is never ever... "Tash is never ever absent (or 'away' depending on which word you want to use)"

He has an ‘I don’t care what you think’ look plastered over his face, and he sits next to me, not bothering to ask if I care.

There is a bit of unattractive repetition here. try re-phrasing this sentence- for example, you could use, "Not bothering to ask if that was alright with me..." or something else entirely. Just try not to repeat words!

I like your character more in this chapter, she seems much more three-dimensional and I can definitely relate to her more in this chapter than to the previous one. Although she has problems she doesn't seem so pessimistic in this.

Overall, please continue to write this story- I can see it is developing nicely and I cannot wait to read more!
Good Luck

OxfordandOnyx

I think I have fixed everything you mentioned. Thanks heaps for the review!!!

~Mo.

Hey Mo. I shall have fun dissecting your story.

The sky is the colour worn jeans

Apart from the fact that color is spelled wrong (but only because this is an American site) it should read 'The sky is the color of worn jeans.

And with that, I start crying. I sit there, crying on my mother’s shoulder, tears flowing down my cheeks, dampening her clothes.

She's a bit of drama queen. Why is she crying?

I don’t really know why I am crying. I guess it’s a lot of reasons really. But those tears continue to stream down my cheeks, some for Lucas, some for me, some for Tash, some for my mum, and some, just because.

OK, so know we know it's not all about Lucas, but why is she crying for her mum? Why is she crying for Tash? Why is she crying for Lucas and herself? I really think she needs to suck it up, this makes me lose some respect for the main character when I was really starting to like her.

not bothering to ask it's okay with me.

It should read 'if its okay with me'. I like the character, he's seems opinionated, and, judging from the rats-tail, is a very 'do-what-I-want-because-I-want-to character, even so I don't like the rats-tail. I have a feeling he will soon be the victim to Alissa's flirting, and well, I'm kind of grossed out about the rats-tail.

Over-all...

I think apart from her losing some of my respect, I think she's a really good character. I would like to see how this goes. I like the story, continue writing.

Sorry I'm being so mean I just think the story could use a little work, and this is all constructive criticism

Hi its me again. THanks for writing chapter 2. Warning: This is a pretty long (and in some places harsh :S) review


1. I Hate Grammar!!!

I don’t even bother to worry about how pathetic I’m being. In the end I fall asleep.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock.

BZZZZZZZZ, BZZZZZZZZZZ!

I would get rid of the part about falling asleep, if she's waking up its pretty obvious that she's fallen asleep waiting up for Lucas.

I hear the birds sing their soothing, morning song, and glance at my watch. 7:30am who in their right mind gets up this early?

I found something grammar-y! Its a miricle the comma i put in bold doesnt need to be there.

Mum’s standing at the stove, making her ‘world famous’ pancakes.

Hmm...perconal opinion, really, but i would leave out the quotation marks. Its almost as if ALissa is mocking the "world famous" aspect otherwise.

I think about Tash, and her relationship with her mum. She doesn’t tell her mum anything, well except for that she has a boyfriend and his name is Justin. I don’t know what I would do without my mum.

I love how she is so devoted to her mum, but this sentence has another grammatical error (im on a roll today ) you shoukld use eaither FOR or THAT, not both.

I don’t really know why I am crying. I guess it’s a lot of reasons really. But those tears continue to stream down my cheeks, some for Lucas, some for me, some for Tash, some for my mum, and some, just because.

Love that paragraph

When I canbring myself to stop,

Ok, i added a word there

Although it is onlya quick fix to my hair madness, it looks sort of cool, in a spiky, punky sort of way. I slip on my shoes, grab my backpack, and walk to school.

Added the bold words, again. It flows better i think, but then again it might just be my style of writing.

2.

WRITE MORE!!! I love the ending to this chapter! I can totally see the plot forming in my mind, but i wont say just in case its different from what you were planning. ((YOu could really expand this into a short stroy or perhaps a novel, but you'd need to add anothr interesting element to ALissa's life. ))

3.

Language, Plot, Characters...etc (the stuff i like )

Pretty much the same here as last time. I like the way its written in present tense, thats not often used and its nice for a cange, though it can be demanding if you want to extend this into a longer book.
And i immidietly like the new character you added he seems a little too rebel right now, so you could maybe add a different elemenmt to his character later as well, instead of just follwing the theme: nobody fits a stereotype exactly in real life.



Review over

I love this, keep writing it

ELla
XOX