Mother, May I?

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[Footprints in the Sand-- Leona Lewis; 014. Logos]

David had, against his better judgment, gone through the drive-through window to order his strawberry milkshake. There was something markedly menacing about the people who worked at the McDonald’s drive-through, especially this late in the night, and normally he avoided them at all costs. But the last time he had left his car to order inside the restaurant, someone had picked the lock and gotten away with some cash from his glove-compartment. He’d rather hazard the monstrous bald guy at the window than risk losing the little money he had.
He sat in the parking lot with his headlights on, facing the road as he slurped. Even if there was nothing else remotely appealing about McDonald’s, he had to hand it to them; they made a mean strawberry milkshake.
He looked at his wrist, squinting. He hated analog watches. They made him feel stupid and slow, trying to tell which hand was the minute hand and taking ten seconds just to decipher the time. But this ancient Rolex had belonged to his dad, and he couldn’t bear to replace it for one of the distinctly more modern and efficient digital watches.
1:04. She was late.
He sighed and sat back in the truck, draining the last sip of the milkshake that he had intended to share with Bethany. The convent couldn’t be more than fifteen or twenty minutes away from the McDonald’s, and she had told him she was leaving early this time. He wasn't going to face the Hulk at the drive-through window again, though; she would just have to survive on the lukewarm bottled water he had tossed on the floor under the passenger seat. As he turned to try and grope around for it, he heard the low purr of and engine and looked up to see two pinpricks of headlights. They were too close together to be on a regular car.
Great. Just what he needed. A biker hoodlum to arrive when his only companion was the 6’5’’ ogre at the drive-though.
He had just locked the doors and put the car into reverse when the vehicle came into view. It wasn’t a motorcycle, which, depending on how you look at it, should have been good news.
It wasn’t.
When the golf cart turned into the McDonald’s parking lot, it took every amount of David’s self-restraint not to bang his head into the steering wheel. He breathed slowly and put the car back into park, watching the golf cart maneuver into the parking lot. Bethany had obviously not quite gotten the hang of driving it yet, because it was a couple of minutes before she had managed to back it into the parking spot while keeping inside both yellow lines.
He unlocked the truck and watched in silence as she climbed out of the cart and into his passenger seat, her auburn hair in a tangled mess. She was still dressed in the traditional black habit, a silver cross hanging from her neck, but she had left her veil and coif at the convent.
“Really, Beth.” David was torn between amusement and irritation. “A golf cart?”
“Mother Bernadine keeps the keys to the Toyota in her nightstand. Do you expect me to go rummaging around in there without her permission? What if she woke up and caught me?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Why not? Is that too sinful? Since you’re so undoubtedly holy all the time, with complete and total obedience to the good Mother in every instance.”
“David, don’t start on me,” she said sharply, closing her eyes. “I promised to come out here for you.”
“No, actually. As I recall, I promised to come out here for you at one in the morning in a desolate location and wait in my pick-up for you to surreptitiously escape your convent in a freaking golf cart.”
“I ‘surreptitiously escaped my convent’ because you told me that you wanted to talk to me!” she retorted, her voice cracking.
He looked at her, taking in the wild expression in her eyes and the way she clung to the armrest, leaning forwards towards him. Always forwards, always moving, always looking away and ahead. Never behind, never going slowly. Never trapped inside a neat set of rules and regulations and solitude, isolated from the world. Isolated from him.
“Sorry, sorry,” he muttered, taking the bottle of water and throwing it into the back. “I just want to be with you, okay?”
It was, apparently, the right thing to say, because she sighed contentedly and leaned into his shoulder. For a while they just peered through the sunroof at the stars, pointing out constellations that they recognized every so often. The night was hot and muggy as the breath of the devil.
David shifted slightly. “Has anyone at the convent noticed your weekly excursions?”
“I think Sister Margaret knows.”
“Has she said anything to you?”
“No, but she found your notes under my mattress while changing the sheets. She looks at me funny, now. Like she thinks I’m possessed by an unclean spirit.” She chuckled at the end of this, as if being possessed was such an outrageous possibility that it was comical.
“Aren’t you?” he joked.
She raised an eyebrow and lifted her head from his shoulder, shaking her bangs out of her eyes. “That’s for you to judge, not me. But I need to know soon, because I figure that the Mother won’t let me take my vows if I’m not wholly clean of demons.”
My vows.
David despised those two words with all of his heart, hated the deadline that they stood for. Her vows were only a couple of days away. She was only a couple days away from being completely off limits, too holy to be a part of anything that didn’t involve the good Lord’s will being carried out. He clenched one fist around the steering wheel and rubbed is eyes tiredly with the other. “Bethany, why are you doing this?”
Her good humor deflated. “David, we’ve been through this.”
“This isn’t you. You can’t live there for the rest of your life. You don’t realize what you’re about to commit to.”
“I do realize!” she cried, grasping him desperately. “I do realize what I’m committing to. I’m committing to something I believe in, David, can’t you see that? Can’t you respect that? I’m committing to a life for the Lord, committing to making a difference—”
“There are other ways to make a difference, Bethany.” His voice was strained, as if with everything she did, she wrapped his emotions tighter and tighter around his words until they came out achy and frantic.
She bit her lip, raising a slender hand and running it through her hair.
“I know what I’m about to do. I’ve known since I was a little girl. I want to set an example, to do something for someone other than myself for once. That’s what Mother Bernadine says. I've prayed so much about this, David. I've asked her so many questions. This is what I want.”
He vaguely felt the vibration of a text message in his back pocket, but ignored it. “Is this what you want, Beth?” His voice was soft. “Because I thought you wanted me.”
There was a moment of tender silence, and then she leaned in gently, brushing his cheek with a kiss. It was a familiar gesture to him, but for some reason the movement sent goose bumps down his arms. It held a certain air of finality; the phrase, ‘kiss of death’ came to mind.
When she spoke, her voice was faraway and almost inaudible. “I’ve always wanted you, David. But over my lifetime I’ve wanted a lot of things I can’t have. I’m going to stand up for God in this way, and according to the Church, I have to do that without a man by my side. Can you accept that?”
“I don’t want to.” The words were raspy, choked.
She smiled, her eyes crinkling around the edges. “Neither do I, love. Neither do I.”
After she had gotten back out of his pick-up, climbed into her golf cart, and disappeared around the bend of the street, he went back around the drive-through to pick up another strawberry milkshake. His phone vibrated impatiently in his pocket-- another text that he would ignore, something else to be put off and procrastinated. When he tried to scrounge around the glove-compartment for a couple of dollar bills, the tattooed Hulk behind the window shook his head. His piercings jangled at the motion.
“Don’t bother, kid. Looks like you’ve had a rough night. This one’s on me.”
David looked up at the man in surprise, and noticed that he wore a crucifix around his neck.

Umm. So. I'd love any and all help on this, my wonderful shredders. As well as alternative title suggestions?
Last edited by Evi on Sat Oct 03, 2009 7:01 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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Overall, I thought that this was a very nice story and i hope that you would make it continuous. No, no,

wait. You have to make this continuous, or else it will be one of the worse stories I have ever read. This is

one of those stories where you can't cut it off or skip five years ahead. I, as a reader, want to know what

David will do next. Will he go through some dangerous risk to pull Bethany away from the school? Will he

try to find someone new? And what about this six foot five ogre guy- can he play a role no one would

guess? There's so many questions that you'll have to answer by the end of the story. Remember- always

ask 'what if'. Don't always settle for practical or expected. :)

Also, it would be great to learn a little more about Bethany. Sure, she's dedicated to the Lord and sure,

she's going to commit herself by choosing to not marry. But there has to be a bigger meaning for this

change. I can't imagine her just wanting to be a nun on the spur of a moment. And there's no way she

can just detach herself from everyone she loves- *cough* David *cough*- that easily and nonchalantly.

We know David's pain, now let's expand a little more on Bethany's.

Doing great! Ask what if! :wink:
"The important thing is to not stop questioning."- Albert Einstein




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Hey Evi! I told you I would review it! (and all points go directly to you) :D

David had, against his better judgment, gone through the drive-through window to order his strawberry milkshake. There was something markedly menacing about the people who worked at the McDonald’s drive-through, especially this late in the night, and normally he avoided them at all costs. But the last time he had left his car to order inside the restaurant, someone had picked the lock and gotten away with some cash from his glove-compartment. He’d rather hazard the monstrous bald guy at the window than risk losing the little money he had.
He sat in the parking lot with his headlights on, facing the road as he slurped. Even if there was nothing else remotely appealing or redeemable about McDonald’s, he had to hand it to them; they made a mean strawberry milkshake.

Okay, I thought this was a weird way to begin this story. Especially how the first paragraph goes into the second paragrah. It sounds kinda weird. Just, that transition there. Weird.

“Mother Bernadine keeps the keys to the Toyota in her nightstand. Do you expect me to go rummaging around in there without her permission?”

I like how Bernadine kinda looks and sounds like Benedict. Just thought I'll point that out.

He looked at her, taking in the wild expression in her eyes and she way she clung to the armrest, leaning forwards towards him. Always forwards, always moving, always looking away and ahead. Never behind, never going slowly. Never trapped inside a neat set of rules and regulations and solitude, isolated from the world. Isolated from him.

This whole paragraph here bothers me. It's just, it doesn't fit anywhere else in the story. And it doesn't seem to describe Bethany that well, from what we have seen in the story. It just doesn't fit, I think.

He vaguely felt the vibration of a text message in his back pocket, but ignored it.

To me, you just stuck this line in here and left it. I think, if you mentioned something about it in the end, it would wrap up the whole thing nicely. But right now, it's just hanging there, lonely. Try adding more to that! Give it more purpose!

M'kay, now on to the fun stuffs. :D


Characters :arrow: Okay, I'm really digging David and the drive-thru dude, but I don't really like Bethany that much. She just...doesn't really fit as a nun to me. She's not that well completed as a character. That's the way I feel, at least. And that paragraph before confuses me even more.
She just wasn't potrayed that well, here, darling.

The ending :arrow: I thought the ending was pretty good, but I would like to see the text message tied in it somehow.
But, yeah. The guy at the drive-thru was awesome in that last scene.

Overall :arrow: I really like your stuff, and this is probably one of my favorites from you. It's just, Bethany and that text message.

Good job, though, darling. :wink:

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.

*Lin
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)




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*pops in*
'Ello! I'd like to review your story. =}
David had, against his better judgment, gone through the drive-through window to order his strawberry milkshake. There was something markedly menacing about the people who worked at the McDonald’s drive-through, especially this late in the night, and normally he avoided them at all costs.

I, unlike Lin, liked this as an opening sentence. I like how you made McDonald's sound so evil and scary. x[}

Noww, since I can't find anything else I really want to look at: it's time for character judging!

David: I'm enjoying him. He looks like a great character. I love the way he's trying to stop Bethany from doing this. Totally lights it up.
Bethany: I LOVE her. I love how even though she sounds rebellious she's going to dedicate herself to the Lord and His church and everything. I love that about her. Great character!
Drive-thru Dude: Totally unexpected twist. I enjoyed him as well. =}

Overall: This story was REALLY good. I enjoyed it a lot. As stated before, try to elaborate more on Bethany's personality--even though I liked her character, I felt you lacked some in describing her. You must make more! =[}

Love & Blessings,
Aushy
formerly ZlyWilk

Finally achieving my dreams. Dive into a unique horror story.




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Eeeek! Another story by our wonderful Evi, I must read it or else I may fall into a great abyss of not knowing.

So first off, I love your stuff Evi, I’m a fan, really I am because you always have such interesting ideas.

Okay, any of the simple nitpicks have been nitpicked so I won’t make mention of those but I do want to say that I love the ending just because of the way you wrote the beginning. I don’t eat meat so McDonalds is just sort of a very looming figure of indigestion in my mind. But the way you wrote it, it was so relatable and I understood where your character was coming from. Then at the end, that little twist made all the difference and I definitely got a laugh out of it. I love to read about those imposing looking characters who are actually very kind at heart.

One of my favorite examples of these kinds of characters is in the book A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore. There is a man in the book named Minty Fresh (no, I’m not kidding, he was named after tooth paste) but on the outside he seems like a very physically imposing man yet he’s actually a very good-hearted guy.

I’m just rambling now but I just wanted to scream:

GOLD STAR FOR EVI!!!!!

Oh, and as far as titles go, I actually really liked this. Yeah, I didn't really know what to expect but I really love getting to read something that catches me off guard.
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Hey, Evi. I loved the ending. It's something you wouldn't have expected, but still a very good ending. Plus, I also love the way you wrote the story. It was simply fantastic. :roll: :smt001 :smt002 :smt003 :smt004 :thud: :smt005 :mrgreen: :elephant: :wink: :D :) :P :lol: 8)
Sometimes two people fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.




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Hey evi
, i really don't have much to say but i had to congratulate you. i love this idea.

i mean it was great also nice ending. bye

are you going to continue this?

please pm me if you are
"It is better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self."




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Youreit here, ready to review!

This was a very interesting piece. I liked the forbidden love, and I thought you displayed that very well. Bethany is a very interesting character, and I see a lot of ways you could make her character change. I want to know why she is so devoted to the convent. Was there an event in her childhood that made her not trust people, but completely trust God? Why is she throwing away her love for David? He obviously returns her love, and we all know how unlikely it is for that to happen.

David is a very well rounded character. I liked seeing him struggle with his need for her verses the love that makes him let her go. I think you did a great job with that. Also, I liked the way you depicted McDonalds as a scary place to be.

Overall, I liked this a lot. Are you going to post more? If so, PM me!

-youreit
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Ahhh! This was so great.
I'm going to have to be really nitpicky to find anything wrong with it. :)

The first paragraph is a little off. It doesn't flow quite right, and I think it's because of the length of the sentences. When I'm reading something, if two or three sentences in a row are very long, it's harder to follow.
There was something markedly menacing about the people who worked at the McDonald’s drive-through, especially this late in the night, and normally he avoided them at all costs. But the last time he had left his car to order inside the restaurant, someone had picked the lock and gotten away with some cash from his glove-compartment. He’d rather hazard the monstrous bald guy at the window than risk losing the little money he had.

So, you might want to break it up a little, so it's not just a string of words, if you know what I mean? Like, for example placing a period after "in the night," and starting a new sentence at "normally."

I really love your choice of words. They're very vivid.

Even if there was nothing else remotely appealing or redeemable about McDonald’s,

Also, now this is just a matter of opinion, but you might want to cut out appealing or redeemable. They mean two different things, so it works, but having both of them just adds an extra wordiness to it.

I loved the bit about analog watches. :)

The night was hot and muggy as the breath of the devil.

I really just wanted to compliment you on this. With the whole forbidden love/religious theme, it just rocked my world. :)

“There are other ways to make a difference, Bethany.” His voice was strained, as if with everything she did she wrapped his emotions tighter and tighter around his words until they came out tense and stressed.

The second she in "...everything she did she wrapped his emotions..." could be cut out. It makes the sentences a little repetitive and disrupts the flow. Also, and this is just my opinion too, "...tense and stressed." doesn't seem to pop the way the rest of your words do. Maybe experiment with a few others?

“I know what I’m about to do. I’ve known since I was a little girl. I want to set an example, to do something for someone other than myelf for once."

Ahh, just a little typo there. You forgot the s in myself. :)

Everything after that is great. The only thing I question was the text message. It seemed a little out of place, but you did tie it together in the last beefy paragraph. So I don't really know if there was more of an importance too it, or if it was just a filler. Maybe elaborate on it or cut it out?

I like Bethany, but it seems strange how she's so devoted to the Church but at the same time rebelling a little with David. I don't know a huge amount about Nuns, but aren't the celibate and don't marry/love at all? So it's a little confusing, even though the kiss on the cheek was pretty chaste. Maybe expand a little on the internal conflict?
This is kind of just an add on thought.

As for a title, I'm not really sure. Mother, May I? applies, but I don't know if it's the perfect title. Ahhh, sorry. I suck at titles.

Anyway, I really liked this. :)
{emryn}
:)



I should infinitely prefer a book.
— Mary Bennet, Pride and Prejudice