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i really liked your story! it was really cool and nicely depicted the sort of thing one feels when in that situation. do write more!

Hi, I'm OxfordandOnyx, just read your story and thought I might as well drop a small review. It's kinda late now so it might not be very detailed, as I'm really tired and tomorrow, I'll probably forget to come back to this!

Well, I like the way you open into the story, it's very chatty and I sure know I can relate to this!

Then you go on to introduce the character to us, there's where I have a problem.

I am beautiful; I have good curves, and a pretty face.

Already, this girl is sounding pretty arrogant to me! Is this a part of her character or not? It seems to me you've tried to create a girl next door type character but saying she is 'beautiful' is giving me no picture of her at all. All I see in my head is a tanned blond doll, nothing else. If she is a pretty girl, describe her in more detail. Has she got full lips? Arched eyebrows? Whatever. Don't just leave your reader with 'beautiful'. I know how it is. All you want is for character to be 'pretty' right? I've made this mistake a million times before but it doesn't add any realism to the character if you giving us one word descriptions.

boys don’t seem to take much notice of me

So, in spite of the face she is beautiful no boy pays her any attention? Are we suppose to sympathise with the poor dear? The character is sounding like self pity in a jar and it isn't a very attractive trait!

She has soft blonde hair down to her shoulders and ]she is very beautiful

Tash is tall and gorgeous with ‘to die for’ legs... she looks stunning

So, I guess everybody in this story is beautiful or stunning then? Think about how unrealistic this is; there is no one person in you life- whether it be a carer or a friend- that is 'ugly' or 'average' or even 'normal looking'. Your readers will relate to characters alot more if they looked like normal people usually do. Maybe a nose to small for their face, thick rimmed glasses maybe limp hair with no volume? I'm not saying you have to make every character 'ugly' but if your writing about the real world (which I assume you are) make your characters look as us everyday people usually do!

The guys gawk at her as she sits down next to me, but she takes little notice and smiles politely, though she has little interest in any of them.

This sentence a little bit messy, it just needs some cleaning up. You use the word 'little' twice and in two separate sentences that convey a very similar meaning!

“Damn” I say under my breath as I walk to History.

Ok... What is she cussing about? Give us more information!

Overall, You need to seriously think about character development, I do not connect with this girl at all right now, everybody just seems too perfect for my liking! However, this story does have some potential, I can especially see a lot of people (including me) enjoying your style of writing but which is chatty and informal (:

Good Luck with this and keep writing!]

OxfordandOnyx (:

Thanks for the tips. I really appreciate it and I agree, I wasn't quite sure how to make her pretty, but not pretty at the same time. Thanks

Since you removed the content, I may as well lock this thread. Let me know if you change your mind.

Thanks.