losing time

Sitting 'neath the willow, said he,
fresh tears stained his ruby cheeks, "me
Mama told me 'go to bed, ye'"
words explaining his despair

though childish his thoughts may sound
from tear stained boy layed on the ground
a deeper meaning yet be found
in feelings wiser share

for this young boy, and every other
knows that cold will follow summer,
sees that nights pass days, and other
goods in life that time will doubtless mar

just as the wise, the youth attest to
the fleeting goods in life, and ask you
when time is there to rest when life's too
short? the youth are sure to care!

and, in his mind, this "go to bed, ye"
steals sweet gems of time from him, he
cries for time lost while in bed, see
the source of his unhappiness lies there.

I LOVE IT!!! This poem was very good, the rhyme scheme was very well organized and the poem flowed very well. I really enjoyed reading your poetry, KEEP WRITING!!!
P.S. i really liked the meaning as well, the child understanding that life is short better than the adults was very cleaver

Very nice. Very very nice.

This poem has a nice message to it. Some suggestions:

1) This poem is a bit of a huge run-on sentence. There is only a period and the end of each stanza, meaning the reader doesn't stop to take a natural breathe, they have to breathe at a random time which hacks up the flow.
Periods please, having comma after comma after comma still makes it a run on sentence.

Example:

Joey went to the park and played with the tennis balls,*tiny pause* the swing, *tiny pause* the slide,*tiny pause* the jungle gym and he had lots of fun at the park until he got tired and went home to his mom and dad. *breathe*

That's the most painful thing to read. So you want to give your poem natural long pauses so the reader can take a breath

2) Capitalization!
There are next to no capitals in this poem. When you start a new stanza the word should be capitalized Which in almost all the stanza's it isn't. If you add the periods like I suggested they should be at the end of a line to that in the next line of the stanza starts with a capital letter.


I hope this is helpful to you! Good luck!

Kamas

I like the way this written, the language really fits this piece. my only nit-pick would be that there is no capitalization. other wise i think it is very beautifully written.