Temptation's Charm

***to be read with INCREASING PANIC!

Temptation.
Temptation.
I know what it is
I’ve heard of its dangers
And it charm…
It’s shiny, drawing charm
I want it, I want it
Though I know that I fear
I fear it and desire it
To know it and avoid it
But bask in its presence
Drawing me closer
Drawing me in
Can’t get away from it
Temptation.
Temptation.
Like falling into a pit
Its colors are bright
Is depths are dark
Its shine
Falling, falling or
Flying,
Flying!
Blinded by its colors
No longer I can tell
I have it, still fear it
But have it with me
Now only to hide it
Get away from it
Temptation.
Temptation.
It’s made me crash
I’ve felt its burn
I’ve seen its shiny eyes
And the away it lures
Don’t tell that I’ve held it
Don’t tell that I’ve wanted it
Hide from eyes unaware
Forgive me for it
Please forget I’ve done it
Temptation.
Temptation.

Hi there Dream!
I'm Kamas here to review.

I really enjoyed your poem, it was quite nice.

Somethings I noticed:

Flow

It seems to me that the flow in this poem is a bit of a mess *Sorry for the harshness* Sometimes some lines rhyme nicely, then it's totally gone then it comes back and then it's gone again. It makes it hacked up and harder for the reader to read it smoothly. Try to either keep a rhyme or make the words flow together even if it doesn't rhyme. This is always the hardest part in poetry I find.

Breaks

The repetition of the word Temptation gives a nice effect to the poem and makes a perfect break line. It looks nicer when there are breaks and makes it seem like less of a run-on sentence.

Something like this:

Temptation.
Temptation.
I know what it is
I’ve heard of its dangers
And it charm…
It’s shiny, drawing charm
I want it, I want it
Though I know that I fear
I fear it and desire it
To know it and avoid it
But bask in its presence
Drawing me closer
Drawing me in
Can’t get away from it
(Break Here)
Temptation.
Temptation.
Like falling into a pit
Its colors are bright
Is depths are dark
Its shine
Falling, falling or
Flying,
Flying!
Blinded by its colors
No longer I can tell
I have it, still fear it
But have it with me
Now only to hide it
Get away from it
(Break Here)
Temptation.
Temptation.
It’s made me crash
I’ve felt its burn
I’ve seen its shiny eyes
And the away it lures
Don’t tell that I’ve held it
Don’t tell that I’ve wanted it
Hide from eyes unaware
Forgive me for it
Please forget I’ve done it
(Possible Break Here)
Temptation.
Temptation.

As for the last Temptation, Temptation I find it doesn't matter if you break or not. I think it would give a nice closing effect to your poem.

Grammar

I have found no spelling mistakes or grammar issues! Yay!
It always makes me happy when people use the spell check.

Overall

Lovely poem! I really enjoyed it. There are some things to work on but you did a great job. Congrats and keep writing!

Yours Truly,

Kamas

Well, really, everything that Kamas has said has covered it all.
It was interesting how you described temptation and I enjoyed reading it. Recently, I've read the play, The Crucible, and all through your poem, I kept thinking of John Proctor and Abigail. Wow, this one poem basically sums up that entire affair in a few powerful lines. Still though, I enjoyed this poem and keep up the good work.

Hi.
Overall, a very charming poem.
I'm not sure was tempting you, but I had something in my life that was tempting. I love you do not say what exactly "it" is, because then the readers have their own images.

As Kamas said, there weren't many grammar mistakes, although I think these are two...

Dream_Catcher wrote:I want it, I want it
Though I know that I fear
I fear it and desire it

I know that I fear it

Dream_Catcher wrote:Its colors are bright
Is depths are dark

Its depths

Again, it is a very nice poem. I wish you the best of luck in publishing it (if that is what you choose to do).

-McMourning