A song for my (ex) guy

I wrote this for my ex boyfriend when we had been going out about five and a half six months, and we broke up very recently and I never showed it to him. I regret that now, but hey, here goes! Any help with punctuation would be appreciated (:

For You.

Look at the stars shine for you,
I think they know, our love is true.

Hear the waves lap at the shore,
I think they know, we both want more.

Listen to the nightingale sing it's theme,
Telling us to forget, what we've seen.

Feel my heart, It's beating steady,
Oh I think you know, we're both ready.



I feel your shaking hands on me,
And you hear my silent plea,
As you touch all you can see,
For a moment, we both feel free.



Look at the birds as they rise in fright,
They know that what we did is right.

Hear my heartbeat in your ear,
It knows you'll always hold me near.

Listen to the lyrics of this song,
Telling us we did no wrong.

Feel our bodies- entwined together,
I think you know - I'll love you forever.

*First of all, this makes me really sad that you wrote such a lovely poem, with forever love, and now you guys have broken up. I'm sorry about that.
*Butttt, that brings me to my second point: I really think this is more of a poem than a song. Songs usually have a refrain, bridge and choruses. This seems much more like a beautiful love poem. I might think abuot changing that description if I were you.
*Next, I think you're reaching to hard for a couple of rhymes.

"Listen to the nightingale sing it's theme,

Telling us to forget, what has been."

That is the one that really bugs me, along with the one where it calls it a song, but we've mentioned that before

Well that's all really I can say! I'm still sorry about the breakup, hope it wasn't messy

Hey, nice song, it's really sweet and unlike some songs, you can actually imagine it being a real song... if you know what I mean. Here's a few comments.

Listen to the nightingale sing it's theme,
Telling us to forget, what has been.

• This is a very iffy rhyme. Unless you pronounce "been" like "bean" the rhyme doesn't work. I'm sure you could find a better word for "song" besides theme. Anyway, the whole rhyme is actually kind of shaky. Your wording suggests you had to pull a word from the dark to rhyme this stanza, but unfortunately, I can't tell which one was randomly pulled. In other words, the wording is bad. Try something like "Listen to the... sing it's tune" and then "Telling us to forget what has flown too soon" or something like that.
• Also, the comma between "forget" and "what" is unnecessary.

Hear my heartbeat in your ear,
It knows you'll always hold me near.

• This is kind of a weird comment... brace yourself. This stanza says that the guys' heart will always hold you near, but since you broke up, you're not quite sure of yourself here. Don't put it so frankly and try to approach the topic differently. Since you aren't sure if the guy has honest feelings for you, you may want to say something like "I hope it knows you'll always hold me near" or something like that. (Don't use that exact line, it's kind of bad.)

--
This is a really good song and it holds a lot of true meaning in a few simple words. I hope you'll take what I suggested into consideration... Anyhow, good job and good luck.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Thanks so much for all the helpful guys (:

the thing, 'forever Thenody', you say "Telling us to forget what has flown too soon" . The thing is when I wrote this poem/song ( might have to change it!) We weren't forgetting us, we were forgetting other things which the other had done. If that makes sense, I wanted this poem to come across as if nothing had happened, and we still loved each other, because that's how I wrote it originally.
I did however love the line "Listen to the... sing it's tune" so I will try put something like that into it!

Thanks 'Silversun' I'll change it into the poem section, even though when I wrote it it did have a chorus and bridge, but that didn't come across in the layout on the website :/
And it wasn't really a messy breakup, just a sad one, he fell in love with someone else. typical love story. sucks to be me!

thanks x

Oh man, you saying that makes me really sad. The guy I'm currently in love with is going to ask out a forgein exchange student tonight. I got to hear all about it. He told me all about it, it's like, please stab me, once more please. So, I'm really sorry to hear that. That's a douchebag move on his part.

aww that sounds really harsh. you should tell him you love him!
yeah the worse part is, the girl he 'loves' is my best friend. But i got over it all really quickly! writing helps soo much (:

Now im confused. YOu said you had lyrics for both of them on here... but clearly this is Alex aswell.

And Oh God i was reading this, whilst listening to untouched and the combination is so sad

I dont know why... but thats me for you

Does he still?

Xx

still love sophie? no idea. I dont talk to him. The last one was luke. this is alex. xx

Ah i understand about Luke vs Alex now.

He LOVED Sophie? I didnt know that. I thought he just asked her out... ah poor beth. Poor Sophie. Im tempted to say poor Alex...but no... he kind of deserves it, if you think about it.

And he still does?

But this is about Luke. Very confusing. It could be Alex, the style and the mood is very similar. WHo are the next lot about?

X

noo this one is alex. this one. the just this guy oen is luke.

well alex told me 'he loved someone else' and then sophie told me he told her he fancied her a teeeny bit. pfft. guys. xxx