covent garden

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and the lamplighters come, one by one, putting their
iron nightcaps over the dawdling gaslights, as the morning
peels the stars from its back. weathervanes pointing their
black, accusatory fingers like viewers of a hanging, and the streets
lie in their purple veils, doorways yawning, footfall
in the alleys and the thoroughfares – the shh-ing
and readying that comes backstage before a rising curtain.

the flowergirls shuffle out, faces bowed, their basketfuls
of sloop-tongued blossoms, clustered and gossiping like busybodies –
they were gathered in the early morning, bunched and congested
in their meadows like snores, picked by rough hands and serenaded
by labor songs, their heads nodding in the baskets like
prisoners in paddywagons. the dark meridian coronating
the horizon, sneezing in their bushels, they are rudely stolen
from their stems – kidnapped, they fly their
trodden skirts.

and now, into the scrubbed london streets, they stick their tongues out
at each other, as the flowergirls haggle. some of the blossoms
still budded and knotted, unfulfilled as promises, they lie
at the bottom of the basket, swooning – maidens in the heat,
with no one to catch their weak and toppling bodies.
the more sensible posies flirt their brown-edged
petals, knowing this may be their
last chance.

pressed to noses, strewn in gutters – by mid-morning,
the flowergirls holding their warm coins, having half-emptied their baskets.
and the remaining flowers shivering, wonder
if they're next, oh please,

let me be next.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hi Kylan.

I love this.Because of that, I probably won't be very helpful, but I'll try.

Your imagery is fantastic.I especially love;
"weathervanes pointing their
black, accusatory fingers like viewers of a hanging"

"the flowergirls shuffle out"

"sloop-tongued blossoms, clustered and gossiping like busybodies"

"at the bottom of the basket, swooning – maidens in the heat,"

and

"the more sensible posies flirt their brown-edged
petals, knowing this may be their
last chance."

The personification is very effective .

My only little quibble is; "faces bowed", because you can't bow your face, just your head. I think you need the two syllables to fit in with the rhythm though, so maybe something like "eyes downcast"? or "Eyes on the ground"?

I love how you contrast the flower-girls and the flowers with alleys and gutters.

The ending is brilliant and I love how you isolated the final line. It really heightened the sense that the flowers aren't going to have their wish fulfilled.

A pleasure, as always.

Jas
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou




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Hey there! I'm here to review some poetry :)

and the lamplighters come, one by one, putting their
iron nightcaps over the dawdling gaslights,

I really like this line as a starter. I can picture it really clearly.

weathervanes pointing their
black, accusatory fingers like viewers of a hanging, and the streets
lie in their purple veils, doorways yawning,

I like the use of personification here. It makes it seem like everything is waking up, not just the people, at dawn.

the flowergirls shuffle out, faces bowed,

Like Jasmine said, I'd use a different word here. But, I'd say "Heads bowed". It keeps the same flow as faces but makes a little more sense.

prisoners in paddywagons.

I like this line a lot. It makes me smile a little (:

the more sensible posies flirt their brown-edged
petals, knowing this may be their
last chance.

Haha, I love this imagery! Sensible flowers flirting! It's perfect!

and the remaining flowers shivering, wonder
if they're next, oh please,

let me be next
.
I really love the way you end it by separating one sentence. I acutally do that quite a bit so maybe that's why I like it so much haha. It's a nice technique :)
I enjoyed the poem, and most of my comments are either suggestions or what I really liked from the piece.

~Kate~
Have you ever smelled sunshine? Have you tasted the color orange? I know how you can... post880303.html#p880303

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Hi Kylan. :) I was actually looking another poem I had promised to review, but I saw this one and decided to read it and when I'd read it, I decided to comment. Haha.

So. I liked this poem very much. I'm especially fond of it because I could see everything so clearly, it's almost as if I were there myself, inside it, with the flowergirls. The only thing that put me on tiptoes was how the first stanza starts with the lamplighters and is a general overview of the setting, and the rest of the poem focuses solely on the flower(girl)s. The whole overview in the first stanza is good, of course, but since it didn't handle the flowers at all and ends to something as distant as the rising curtain - even if it's just a simile - and all the rest being about the flowers, I was sort of expecting every stanza to introduce a new aspect to the Covent Garden thing. So even though I enjoyed reading it, it came a little out of the blue.


as the morning
peels the stars from its back.


This is so pretty it scares me.


That's pretty much all I can say, because I really liked it and you did a great job. Talk to you soon!


-Demsy
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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Kylan,

[Before I proceed to drone on about the awesomosity of this, let me warn you and say that I am overly rusty at reviewing and don't think I'll say anything comprehensive or worthwhile]

I fell in love at the beginning. You executed the opening brilliantly, Kylan; the way the words progressed the poem was simply beautiful, and coupled with the clear imagery, gave an amazingly graceful tone to the poem.

There were a few words here, namely [the more (sensible)], [half-emptied], and the likes that came off as boring; "the more" just whispered of deadwood and didn't have much significance, and half emptied is boring-- just, keep an eye on little words like that, that drag your poem back.

Also, the way you pulled off putting the ugly parts of this scenario into "pretty" words was just magnificent. I love this; it's definitely one of your best poems, dear.

Keep writing, and keep posting. ;)

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter



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