Tangible Mirages

Travelling the mind expanse,
the outlook and span,
impressive, amazing
and gorgeous. A desert
with sparkling sands
coloured grey, a
storm of cortex
of desires and
beliefs.

Gasping for relief,
straining each muscle
to move, no slide through
this desert. Eyes bloodshot
and fear shaking you.

So many images, passing
and flying through the
synapsis, how can you
know what is real, or
merely dream, or promise
that exists between those
two peaks? Left and right,
right and left, this great
tundra, the sun striking
with it's torrid lashes.

Of castles, of temples,
you know neither what
exists, neither what is?

A hand could be a claw
or nothing more.

Can you trust the mind
or is it trick, another game
by those cruel captors as
you crawl through this
place.

Sometimes,
you have to
take a chance

Vernon wrote:Travelling the mind expanse,
the outlook and span,
impressive, amazing
and gorgeous. A desert
with sparkling sands
coloured grey, a
storm of cortex
of desires and
beliefs. This is lovely imagery. However, if you're gonna use full grammar, I'd advise substituting line breaks for periods.

Gasping for relief,
straining each muscle
to move, no slide through
this desert. Eyes bloodshot
and fear shaking you. The beginning seemed somewhat contrived. But the last line really made me shudder and keep on reading. Keep that powerful wording throughout the poem, not just here and there.

So many images, passing
and flying through the
synapsis, how can you
know what is real, or
merely dream, or promise
that exists between those
two peaks? Left and right,
right and left, this great
tundra, the sun striking
with it's torrid lashes. Again, lovely. No new nitpicks here.

Of castles, of temples,
you know neither what
exists, neither what is?

A hand could be a claw
or nothing more.

Can you trust the mind
or is it trick, another game
by those cruel captors as
you crawl through this
place.

Sometimes,
you have to
take a chance

Let me say that I enjoyed this somewhat. But you need better word-choice and so on...

Grade: D+

with sparkling sands
coloured grey, a
storm of cortex
of desires and
beliefs.

Nice brain landscape image here.

Sometimes,
you have to
take a chance

Indeed, if all of reality is just a set of waves and impulses to be filtered into the brain, shaped to our pleasing, and the only way anyone can say what is real is by group majority, then what are you, who sees that life can literally be what you make of it? It's hard for some to conform to mass hysteria, but it's not exactly a choice on the strictest of existential limits.

Sorry if I'm not much one for commenting on the poignancy of poetic form, I just really like the ideas.

Hey, Vernon! Let's see what I can come up with for you.

I Can Has Grammar Check Plzkthxbai

I'm going to skip a grammar check, but I think that's one of your weakest points here. Someone mentioned your wording, but I think it's more than that. For example:

Of castles, of temples, you know neither what exists, neither what is?

This is a sentence in your poem, for those who aren't quite sure where I pulled it from. But just taking this sentence and writing it out like this, I can't make sense of it still. So whether it's split up into lines or written in one sentence, there's something grammatically wrong with it.

So try to go through, read each line carefully, and shape it up as best you can. Maybe someone will come along and do a thorough grammar check for you/me. Or I can just PM one to you later, if you wish.

Give It Some Meaning

Well, you did. Your poem has a cool meaning that gave me chills (and that's always a good sign). I like it when poems end like this! But I don't think you hinted at it enough. I read it two or three times to see if what I thought made sense, so we'll see how it comes out in words.

You give lots of description, painting a scene before you actually get to the point (which is really cool), but I think you could do better. Someone mentioned your wording could use improving. When you go back to look at some of the words/grammar, try to change some words to hint at your "Take a chance" message. Words like daring, courage, and plenty of others that one could use in such a situation as "taking a chance."

The Structure Of Poetry

Linebreaks are weird, and it really depends on the poet's style of poetry; so there's not much I can say. Only suggestions. And from what I read, you had so many linebreaks, I found myself stopping every five words. Linebreaks naturally give a pause, and it takes some careful wording (or just practice reading it) to get rid of those pauses. So maybe you could find a way to get rid of some linebreaks or work your words around them so the reader doesn't get a headache trying to follow?

Overall

I love your pictures. I told you that already, but your description is marvelous. And if you could adjust some of the wording to reflect not only the picture but the message you're portraying, it'll be golden.

If you have any questions/comments, you know how to contact me! I'm always willing to help.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey Vernon! Very nice by thway, loved it!

Okay, I think I noticed only a couple punctuation errors, firstly. Secondly, I'd break up the poem up into several paragraphs, just because there are retards like me who can't read well:). And my third thing to say is I like the way your words painted an image in my brain:)!

Nice job Vern!

0(o.o)0

i didn't like it...i saw 3 different scenes with no way of knowing how i got there...that annoyed me... granted its probably there to help add to some chaos ? but.. i still didn't like it..other than that i did like it... thats the only real thing i have agianst the poem itself..

now onto the message ?

ehh its true all aspects of the mind can be fooled.. you just gotta learn what real and whats not..i am sorry i don't have much to say..

silented1