Solace From The Shadows (Chapter 3)

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“Evie!”
“Evie, where are you?”
She curled up tightly, ignoring the calls. please, leave me alone. Just go away and leave me alone
The tears were still falling thick and fast and she didn’t think she could bear explaining to anyone why she was such a mess. Especially not Will or Sophia. Hearing them call out for her, knowing they were looking for her, made her feel even more ashamed.
“There you are! Will, over here! We looked every-. Are you ok?” Sophia hovered above her, not quite sure what to do. Hearing heavy foot steps Evie closed her eyes and buried her face deeper in to her folded arms.
“Please,” she whispered, “just go away.”
She heard Sophia move slowly away from her.
“Soph, go make sure no one is coming.” Will whispered distantly.
“Sure. Should we-?”
“Soph, go on.”
Evie tensed slightly as she heard the heavy footsteps come closer. The leaves rustled slightly as Will sat down on the grass beside her. He raised his hand hesitantly, before balling it into a fist and letting it drop to his side again. Glancing around, he chuckled.
“Good hiding place. It was pretty hard to find you.”
“Maybe that’s because I didn’t want to be found.” she said, raising her head slightly.
“I’m just too good at hide and seek, Evie.”
Evie laughed softly. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said wiping her eyes. Tipping her head back, she took a deep breath. “What time is it?”
“It’s ok, lunch isn’t over yet.”
Staring up at the sky she waited for Will to ask what was wrong or why she ran out. He said nothing. She looked down slowly. Will was twirling a twig between his fingers. He obviously wasn’t going to say anything about it until she did, and that suited her. Wiping her eyes on last time she moved to get up. Will stood up quickly and started wiping grass from his jeans. Holding out his hand he smiled slightly. Ignoring it, Evie got up.
“Is there anyone we could call to-?” Will started
“No.” She replied firmly. There was no way she was going home half way through her first day back at school. She could just imagine what they would say if they found out. This was something she needed to do. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she started walking back towards the school.
Pausing to adjust her bag she sighed as Will and Sophia swiftly joined her.
“Geography next,” Sophia noted quietly, as the bell rang.
“I’d better go, I have chemistry and I can’t be late again.” Will said reluctantly. “Are you-,” he hesitated, then seemed to change his mind, “have fun in geography, Evie. Soph, mum wants us to get a few things after school, I’ll meet you at your locker if you want.”
Sophia nodded. “See you later.”
With a final smile he was gone. Following after him, Sophia by her side, Evie nervously picked at her nails. Almost everyone had seen her swift exit at lunch. She cringe slightly as she thought of what they must be thinking. Ducking down to fix her shoe, she mental berated herself. She had never cared about what people thought of her. She had remained unfazed by the whispering that had surrounded her when she had turned up at the try-outs for the hockey team. Everyone present was somewhere between amazed and horrified that she would want to play a game like field hockey.
They were even more shocked when she walked to the half way mark in the muddy field and hit the puck directly into the goal on her first attempt. A slight twitch of her lips was the only sign that she acknowledged her feat.
So, why now could she not bring herself to walk into that room. Glancing to her left, she reminded herself that she wasn’t alone. Sophia walked along beside her, telling her about what they had covered in geography and what the teacher was really like. Despite her chattiness, Sophia was fully aware that Evie was paying absolutely no attention to her; and pausing for breath, as she looked at Evie still slightly pale, the only sign of her anguish, she realised, she didn’t mind.
“Here we are.” Sophia said quietly.
Nodding, Evie smiled slightly. “Thank you.”
Sophia smiled back, knowing that she was thanking her for more than just showing her to the classroom.
Walking in Evie ignored the whispers and handed the teacher the note. Nodding he pointed to the table next to Sophia and handed her a book.
Holding her head high she walked to her seat, promising that never again would she leave herself vulnerable.
Last edited by Dark Eyed Pixie on Fri Dec 18, 2009 5:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Meet me here beneath the burning skies....




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Hey! The long awaited chapter three! Bare with me, I'm reviewing as I go...

"The tears were still falling thick and fast and she didn’t think she could bear explaining to anyone why she was such a mess." This seems a bit too explanatory it needs to be a bit more personal.
Especially not "to" Will or Sophia.

"She could just imagine what they would say if they found out." I'm guessing they is her parents.

Pausing to adjust her bag "," she sighed as Will and Sophia swiftly joined her.

She cringe"d" slightly as she thought of what they must be thinking.

she mental"y" berated herself

"Everyone present was somewhere between amazed and horrified that she would want to play a game like field hockey.

They were even more shocked when she walked to the half way mark in the muddy field and hit the puck directly into the goal on her first attempt. A slight twitch of her lips was the only sign that she acknowledged her feat. " I think this should stay together as one paragraph. And "A slight twitch of her lips was the only sign that she acknowledged her feat." this seems awkward to me. Maybe it's how I'm reading it but... I also think there should be more of a personal connection in this.

Love the ending sentence!

Overall, fantastic! You presented so much character formations and atmosphere is and very skeletal ( but great) way! In some parts though, I though there could be a little more personal/ descriptive. But it ways brilliant never the less! You got me still hooked in. I want more of Will and Evie with dialogue and more info on what this guys did to Evie...

Come on with chapter Four! Congrats,

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I shall but love thee better after death.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning




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(Let's get right down to it, shall we?)

The beginning chapter grabbed me. I liked it, bar a few grammatical errors and such, and wanted to read more. After that, it kind of spiraled. I skimmed it, found the dialogue vaguely interesting but not really, and altogether felt disappointed that while you started out sort of cliche, but still rather well, you had somehow found a way to ruin it.

I've done this before, and people have pointed it out to me, certainly. Usually I can fix it, go over it and keep the same feel of exciting, yet clearheaded intrigue I had at the beginning. It can be tough, but it's worth it in the end. Keep an eye out for missing links of coherency and, as I said, that continued sense of intrigue, and you'll be fine. ; )

Your characters aren't very well-developed yet--try to work on that. For instance, if your MC died right now, I wouldn't even care. Because I don't have any way to relate to her, see? She's not particularly funny, or smart, or interesting, or anything. She's just a normal teenager who claims to have been traumatized in some way on the ride/walk back from a party. It's an old theme I've seen tons of times before, but you still have time to make it fresh if you want. Don't do what your first inclination is, keep us guessing.

Gotta go. Any questions or anything, just drop me a PM. Good luck!

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest



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