NOTE: This poem is based on entirely true events. No names or places have been changed.
On a crazy Saturday night,
four men wearing jeans and hoodies
took the one called
Promethius Jebediah Wulf III
from his hiding place in the chapel
and carried him to the Burn Pile
across camp.
Also in tow was
a gasoline can,
a sledgehammer,
a box of matches,
a bucket,
and a towel.
The leader of this group,
Pete,
placed
Promethius Jebediah Wulf III--
more commonly called "Promo"--
on the ground next to the burn pile.
The four men gathered branches
and arranged them on the ground
several yards away from Promo.
A second person in the group,
Matthew,
poured gasoline on the ends of the branches.
A third person,
Kyle,
struck a match,
the smell of sulfur twirling in the air,
and threw it in the gasoline,
creating a "whoosh" as the branches lit.
Pete then took the gasoline can
and poured an X formation onto the ground,
with Promo doused and sitting in the middle.
Pete, Matthew, Kyle, and the fourth, Tyler,
picked up their branches--
which had now become torches--
and walked to all four points of the X.
On the count of three,
they lit the points,
and tittered gleefully as
fire rushed from the points to the middle,
engulfing Promethius Jebediah Wulf III
in flames.
After several minutes of burning,
the four men kicked sand over the flames,
extinguishing them.
Tyler grabbed the sledgehammer from the cart
and took two swings,
sending sparks into the air,
risking igniting the flames again.
Tyler passed the sledgehammer to Kyle,
who also took two swings,
sending sparks and small rock chunks
into the air.
Pete came next,
breaking off Promethius Jebediah Wulf III's head.
Finally, with one mighty swing,
Matthew broke Promethius Jebediah Wulf III
into three pieces.
The four men gathered the pieces,
still warm from the fire,
threw them into the back of the cart,
and made their way to the lake.
After climbing aboard the pontoon,
the four men decided to continue their ritualism
by placing all four pieces of
Promethius Jebediah Wulf III
into the towel in Kyle's hands.
They wrapped him up,
carried him to the stern of the pontoon,
and launched him into the lake.
After the satisfying "gloop" of the water ceased,
the four men exited the pontoon
and made their way back to their cabins,
with the one called Pete muttering
"I've always hated that fucking rock"
the whole way.
